Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL!
by Hisa-Me Kurai
Summary: If it's an Anime or Manga chara, Shinigami Goumon will bash the crap out out of it!NO CHARA IS SAFE! Nuff said!
1. IT'S SHOWTIME!

(A/N: Hey all! Welcome To my free for all fic! Where if it's an anime/manga chara, I'll bash the crap out of it! I'll take requests and suggestions from reviewers only and with that said...IT'S SHOWTIME!)

* * *

In a darkened studio, a dark figured loomed ominously 

"**_Keh-heh-heh-heh-heh-_HAKHAKHAK!**"

The figure doubled over, convulsing in a huge coughing fit.

So much for dramatic tension.

"_Damn cold._" The figure sniffled, wiping it's nose.

"Lady Goumon, we're ready to begin if you are." A stage hand said.

"_Alright then._" Shinigami Goumon cackled, rubbing her hands together, "_Let the fun begin._"

* * *

"**_Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Humans And Demons! Welcome to_ Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL!**" 

The mobs in the stands erupted in deafening cheers.

"**_I'm your host! Shinigami Goumon! AKA, The Disembodied Voice!_**" she cried from behind the one way glass ofthe booth, "**_The first victim for our little wooden stool is_**…**_SON GOKU!_ COME ON DOWN!**"

The pumped up Saiyan dashed down, people patting him on the back as he foolishly grinned, having no idea what was in store.

He situated himself on the stool and a fanfare of spotlights began to circle on and around him.

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Son Goku…he went behind Chichi's back and slept with Bulma!"_

"**WHAT?**" Goku cried as his enraged wife and Vegeta fought their way through the crowds to get to him, "**Ch-CHICHI! VEGETA! THAT'S _NOT_ TRUE!**"

"**_BASTARD!_**" Chichi screamed bashing him over the head with a frying pan, "**_How dare you do this to me?_**"

"This time you **DIE!**" Vegeta roared, "**NOBODY** touches my wife!"

"_HEY! No destroying the studio!"_

A hidden catapult beneath the pair sent them flying head first through the roof.

* * *

"_Now then…Son Goku…his favorite pastime is getting French manicures!" _

"Muh-manicure?" Goku stammered in a not so innocent way, hiding his perfect, non chipped nails behind his back, "Wh-what's that?"

"_You're a horrible liar, Goku! Heh!"_

"So I take care of myself! Big whoop!" Son Goku huffed, "It's nothing to be ashamed of!"

"_Hey Goku? Want I should introduce you t' Ryan Seacrest?"_

"Ooo! Ryan Seacres-HEY!" Son Goku yelled.

"_Heh heh heh! Son Goku…he's in the closet!"_

"No I'm not!" Son Goku shouted, preparing to power up.

"_Yes you are."

* * *

_

Before the monkey man quite knew what was happening, a closet had appeared around him.

It was very dark.

And cramped.

And he wasn't alone.

"Ooo! You're quite the looker, arentcha?" a voice said seductively, "I can't wait to see what color YOUR blood is!"

"**GLAAAAAAAUGH!**" Son Goku screamed, breaking out of the closet in his attempt to flee a sex starved Jakotsu.

"You can run, but you can't hide, sexy!" Jakotsu snickered, chasing after him, Jakotsutou drawn.

* * *

"_Pffft! Hee hee! Son Goku…he's on the lamb from his ex-lover, Jakotsu!"_

"You mean_** future!**_" Jakotsu called, chasing Goku round and around the stool.

"**_Not even in your_ DREAMS!**" Son Goku yelled.

_"Son Goku…He and his ex are about to get back together and go on a lonnnnng trip, courtesy the stool!"_

"Eh?"

"Eh?"

The stool suddenly rose up and catapulted both of them headfirst through the ceiling.

_"Now you know...Son Goku."_

As the debris rained down, everyone's thoughts were the same.

Who would be martyred next?

* * *

Shinigami Goumon's eyes scanned the audience. 

So many worthy candidates.

All ripes for the picking.

So pure, so innocent.

So in need of having their brittle psyche's crushed to powder.

But which one...

Which one...

**_AH-HAAA!_**

* * *

"**_Our lovely stool's nexttarget will be_**…**_HOUOJI FUU!_ COME ON DOWN!**" 

The Legendary Magic Knight of Wind stumbled blushing to the stool.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Houoji Fuu…she bought her sword off of e-Bay!"_

"Mm?" Fuu said mildly, "I'm afraid you are mistaken. My sword was made for me by Prese-"

"_Hey, Fuu...I never knew that thing could be used as a back scratcher!"_

Fuu's face turned bright red.

"_Houoji Fuu…she once swallowed an entire chess set!"_

"I most certainly did **NOT!**" Fuu cried out crossly, "I only swallowed two of the pawns…but that was only because Mokona knocked them into my ice cream!"

"_Yeah, yeah…sure thing."_

"It's the truth!" Fuu cried out huffily.

"_Uh-huh. I'm soooo sure."

* * *

_

"_Houoji Fuu…she's in love with a sock puppet!"_

"Wh-what?" Fuu cried, obviously taken aback, "I beg your pardon?"

"_What? Ya pass gas, Wind Girl?"_

"N-no!" Fuu cried indignantly, going red out of anger, "I have not, nor will I ever, be in love with a Sock puppet!"

From the Audience, something grey and obviously made of cotton fibers, buttons and magic markers popped it's head up sobbing.

"I thought what we had was special!" it sobbed, storming out of the building.

"**_AH!_** _**Shun!**_ **WAIT!**" Fuu cried, leaping off of the stool, "**IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING!**"

She tore out of the studio after him...it...whatever.

"**Y-YOU T-T-TWO TIMING WH-WH-WH-_WHORE!_**" Ferio shouted after her, sobbing like a little girl into his Tickle-Me-Elmo doll.

* * *

Shinigami Goumon spun in her office chair. 

This was going far easier than expected!

Who to choose next?

She wanted a challenge.

Someone tough.

Someone who, when their itty, bitty subconscious shattered that it would be heard and felt in China.

Who?

**Who?

* * *

**

(A/N: So who will it be? I'm not quite sure yet? Can you guess? R&Rpeeps! I'm out!)


	2. Stolen Muffins and Child Molesters

(A/N: Ahhh...my lovely reviewers...how I love thee! With out further adieu, here's the next chappie!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon chewed the eraser of a random pencil that had popped out of seemingly no where. 

Finding the next object of ridicule was proving more difficult than originally anticipated.

She gazed through the one-way glass.

"_Victim, victim_…" She murmured, "_Gotta find a vict-AH-HAA!_" she cried gleefully.

Her eyes zeroed in on her next target.

"_There you are._"

* * *

"**_Our next fatality-koff-I mean contestant is_**…**TATSUKI! _C'MONNN DOWN!_**" 

The harisen wielding flame head dashed down the stool and sat down hard.

"**Bring it on!**" he yelled, "**_Gimme whatcha got!_**"

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Tatsuki…he has the world's worst case of Pyrophobia!"_

"What did you-**_Where the HELL_ ARE YOU, _BITCH?_**" he yelled, "**_I_ DARE YA _TA COME OUT HERE AND SAY THAT!_**"

_"It's so sad…ever since his brother threw his teddy, Mr. Timothy Tudwell, into the fireplace…"_

"**_I AM_ NOT AFRAID OF FIRE!**" Tatsuki roared, jumping up and down, "**_IMMA_ FIRE USER _FOR GODSAKE! AND WHO TH'_ FREAK _IS TIMOTHY TUDWELL?_**"

"_Hey, Tatsuki…your sleeve's on fire."_

"Oh chyeah ri-**YAAAAAAAAAH!**" Tatsuki screamed, frantically slapping at the flames that had poofed out of nowhere.

_"Who's not afraid of fire now?"_

"Sh-shut uuuup." Tatsuki growled, blowing cool air onto his singed arm.

* * *

"_Heh…Tatsuki…he wishes that Lord Hotohori would look his way! If only once!"_

"**_I do_ NOT _YOU SICK, TWISTED_ FUCK!**" Tatsuki roared, "**_That's _NURIKO, NOT ME!**"

_"Don't lose heart. Tatsuki! If you just show him your true feelings-"_

"**I'M NOT GAY DAMMIT!**"

_"Its okay, Tatsuki! We live in a far more liberal day and age! You don't have to deny who you are!"_

"**_I LIKE _MIAKA_ GODAMMIT!_**"

_**-BRAK-**_

A stage light collided with his head.

"Repeat that." Tamahome snarled, dangerous red ki glowing brightly around him.

"I…d-don't like anyone, d-d-damn it." Tatsuki stammered, blood dripping from the huge head wound.

"That's what I thought you said." Tamahome smirked, sittimg back down.

* * *

_"Heh heh…Tatsuki…He secretly curses the Gods for having made him a man!"_

"**What?** _**NOOOOO!**_" Tatsuki shouted, ripping out larges chunks of his hair, "**_IMMA _MAN _AN' _DAMN _PROUD OF IT!_**"

_"Hey Tatsuki? Do and Nuriko share clothes?"_

"**_SHUT-UP-SHUT-UP-SHUT-UUUUP-YOU-DISEMBODIED-VOICE-FROM-NO-WHERE!_**" Tatsuki sobbed, beginning to crumble.

_"Do you have Miaka do your make up? Or is it Yui?"_

Tatsuki was now in the fetal position, sobbing like a two year old.

_"I think we're done here. Now you know_..._Tatsuki."_

"Jeezus Tatsuki." Tamahome groaned, picking the weeping man up under the arm, "Yer makin' us all look bad."

"I thought I told you to keep that a secret." Nuriko snarled, smacking Tatsuki across the back of the head as helped Tamahome carry him away.

* * *

"_That was fun!_" Shinigami Goumon whooped, spinning around in the office chair, "_Hee hee! Instant Tatsuki! Just add water! Hee hee hee!_" 

Crushing his teeny tiny little mind to powder had been ever so much fun.

No...wait...

Putting the Chinese warrior thru the grinder had been awesomely-fantastically fun.

Which gave her an idea.

Since she was on theChinese, why not just keep on pickin' on them?

"_Hee hee hee!_" Shinigami snickered, "_And I know just the one._"

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_**…**SHAMPOO!** **_COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The purple hair Amazon pranced down bouncily, waving frantically to Ranma.

"Ranma-darling!" She called, giving a big smile.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Shampoo…she thinks that Ranma is the most vile, foul, despicable creature who ever walked God's green earth!"_

"W-what?" Shampoo cried, pinking slightly, "**_That _not_ true! Shampoo _love_ Ranma-Darling!_**"

"_Then how come you tried to kill him through half of Vol. 3?"_

"Shampoo was not knowing is same Ranma!" the poor Chinese girl sputtered.

_"A likely story."_

"Is true!" Shampoo cried.

* * *

"_Shampoo… she's afraid of cats!"_

"_**I no afraid of cat!**_" Shampoo said huffily, "Husband is afraid of cat!"

"**Oh, thanks a BUNCH, Shampoo!**" Ranma shouted from the audience, "**Tell the world why doncha?**"

"_Which means she afraid of herself!"_

"You no listen to me?" Shampoo cried, "**_I no afraid of cat!_**"

"_**He's not your husband!**_" Ukyo yelled, lobbing several spatulas at the cat girl, "**_Ran-chan is_ MINE!**"

_"The poor, poor underprivelaged girl. Tsk. Sucks ta be her."_

"Why you no listen?" Shampoo wailed.

"Oh _**SO**_?" Kodachi cried, bringing down a mallet millimeters away from where Ukyo stood, "**_Ranma sir is_ MY _sugar baby!_**"

_"Of all the springs you had to fall into, huh? Wow your unlucky!"_

"**I not afraid of cat!**" Shampoo cried, on the verge of tears.

"**WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!**" Akane yelled, ripping up an unoccupied bleacher and swatting the pair away like flies.

* * *

_"Shampoo…she's madly in love with Mousse."_

"**SHAMPOO!**" Mousse cried, leaping up from the audience, "_**At long last, my feelings are reciprocated!**_"

"**NO _LISTEN!_ NO _LISTEN!_**" Shampoo shrieked wrenching away from him, "**IT LIE! IT _LIIIIE!_**"

"**SHAM_POOOOO!_**" Mousse shouted, chasing after her, running into several sound and light guys who put the nearsighted fighter back on the right track.

"_Now you know…Shampoo!"

* * *

_

"_La la la la la!_" Shinigami sang, spinning at Mach 5 in her office chair, "_Such fun! Such fun!_"

She came to an abrupt stop when she realized-

"_My muffins_…" Goumon growled, "_Who's the sick, twisted, fuck who ate MY chocolate muffins?_"

She spotted Happosai through the one way glass distributing **_HER_** muffins throughout the audience.

"_GRRRR!_" Shinigami snarled, as she watched their putrid disgusting teeth tear into _**HER**_ muffins, "_DIE BIATCH!_"

She slammed a hand down on a little magic button (red, btw).

Bolts of lightning electrocuted the majority of the audience.

* * *

Ash Ketchum and Pikachu strolled back from the Little Pokemon Master's Room to see the audience charred and smoking. 

"So…whad we miss?" Ash asked brightly

"Nothin' much." Misty replied, immune to such shocks after paling around with Pikachu and ash all these years.

After the quick thinking of the stage crew, Shinigami Goumon had more muffins in her possession and was ready to continue.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant, all the way from the great country of Wales issss_**…**NEGI SPRINGFIELD! _COME ON DOWN, YA LITTLE CUTIE!_**" 

A rather flustered ten year old stumbled down the stairs to the stage, blushing at the fangirls screams and almost tripping over his robes.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Negi…he harbors a huge vendetta against his staff!"_

"I beg your pardon!" Negi sputtered, reddening slightly, "I most certainly do not! I like my staff very much!"

_"Then why did I happen to see you attempting to break it in half over a boulder before the show?"_

"No comment." Negi said quickly.

_"Heh heh heh…Negi…he likes gerbils…"_

"Yes!" Negi said, looking rather relieved, "Their quite cute!"

_"…with ketchup and mustard!"_

"**NEGI!**" Asuna shrieked, "**_That's disgusting!_**"

"How could you!" Nodoka sobbed, "The poor little things!"

"_**It's**_ **NOT** _**true, Nodoka!**_" Negi yelled, "**Don't listen to her!**"

_"Hey Ayaka…didn't you used have a gerbil named Mr. Twinkle Toes that "mysteriously" disappeared?"_

"_**Mr. Twinkle Toes!**_" Ayake bawled, "**NOOOO!**"

"**Don't listen to her lies!**" Negi cried.

An avalanche of tomatoes and rotten food plummeted on his head from seemingly no where.

"**ACK!**" Negi squealed.

_"That was for the gerbils!"

* * *

_

_"Negi…he's actually a fifty-two year convicted child molester by the name of James Crenshaw!"_

"**How did you know?**" Negi cried, his voice deepening.

_"I am the all mighty voice! I know all! By the way, you should know that many of the members of our esteemed audience our police officials!"_

Negi's eyes went wide.

_"I'd start running, ya midget MJ wannabe!"_

Negi hopped off the stool and out of the studio, an army of Officer Jenny's on his heels.

_"Now you know…Negi!"_

"**_We'll be back after this short commercial break! So don't go away!_**"

* * *

(A/N: Next Chapter Will have a short bit for totally made up commercials! Who will get bashed next? R&R) 


	3. Commercials and Stagehand Choices

(A/N: Heya! Sorry about the wait! Here's the next chappie!)

**

* * *

000000000000000000000000000000 **

**Jounouchi and Yugi were traveling through the hot deserts of Egypt, the sun mercilessly beating down on their backs. **

**Well, Yugi's anyway.**

**"So…damn…hot…" Yugi complained.**

**All of a sudden, four skimpily clad women burst out of the desert sands. The first wore red, the next orange, the one after that wore yellow, and the last one in purple. Each was carrying a bottle of soda.**

**"Wanta Fanta, doncha wanta Fanta?" the women were singing out as the first two were latching their arms around Yugi and forcibly pouring soda into his mouth while the other two were waving their asses in Jounouchi's face and pouring their soda on his face. **

**Yugi was looking uncomfortable while Jounouchi was blushing as much as a human being could blush**

**"_Hey you guys_**

**_You're looking sporty_**

**_Drink some Fanta _**

**_Faster shorty!"_**

**"WHO ARE YOU CALLING MICROSCOPIC!" Yugi roared as he broke free and drew a card from his deck. **

**"I SUMMON SLYFER THE SKY DRAGON!"**

**The red beast appeared and blew the women away, leaving Jounochi with a rather disaponted look on his face.**

**0000000000000000000000000000000**

**Wanta Fanta?**

**00000000000000000000000000000000**

"**Half-brother trying to steal your sword? Demon who killed your lover trying to slay your loved ones? Call Inuyasha's Full Protection Service! We'll do ya up right!"**

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**Fanfiction authors who don't know the meaning of the word "Spell Check": Plenty**

**Fanfiction authors who create Mary-Sues: Too many to count**

**Fanfiction authors who employ stale, overused plotlines: Enough to make your head explode**

**Fanfiction writers who realize they royally suck as authors: Priceless**

**There are people in life without talent in creative writing. For everything else, there's flames.**

**Accepted by hard to please reviewers worldwide.**

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000

* * *

**

"**_ANNND were back to Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL!_**"

"**_I'm your host, Shinigami Goumon, AKA The Disembodied Voice! Lets get the ball rolling!_**"

"**_Our next victim isss_**…**SERGENT KERORO!** **_COME ONNN DOWN!_**"

The midget frog hopped down the stairs and onto the stool, wearing little more than a commando helmet and a smirk.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Keroro…he wishes nothing more than for absolute peace and harmony throughout the universe!"_

"**WHAT?**" the alien frog shouted, hopping up, "**I DO NOT! I WISH FOR UNIVERSAL _DOMINATION!_ ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE-!"**

_"Ain't that sweet?"_

"Are you **listening** to me?" Keroro cried, "**I wanna _take over_ Popoken!**"

"_Hey Keroro? Does this sound familiar? 'Just giiive peeeeace a channnnce!'"_

"Hoooo no you**_ DIDN'T!_**" Keroro roared, "You did **NOT** just compare me to that limp-wristed pansy **KERMIT!**"

* * *

"**WHY DONCHA COME UP _HERE _AND SAY THAT YA _RETARDED TADPOLE!_**" Ms. Piggy shrieked from the upper rows of bleachers. 

_"Heh. And if I did? Whadd're YOU gonna do about it?"_

"**I'll find and** **_DESTROY_ YOU!**" Keroro yelled, "…once I find out where you are."

"**Piggy! _Calm down!_**" Kermit cried, "…after the show."

_"Fat chance of THAT ever happening, ya shrimpy Shrek wannabe!"_

"**WHY WOULD I WANNABE _THAT_ FAT LOSER?**" Keroro screamed.

A mass of green promptly came hurtling down and did a rather impressive elbow drop on the mouthy frog.

"Mind repeat'n tha'?" The Scottish ogre mildly asked the green pancake that was Keroro.

"N-no sir." Keroro managed to squeak

"Tha's wha' Ah thah'." He smirked, returning to his seat next to an ogre-ized Fiona.

* * *

_"Heh heh…Keroro…he's harbored a ten year vendetta against Frogger!"_

"**SCREW THAT ROAD HOPPING BASTARD!**" Keroro shrieked, suddenly re-inflating.

His eyes widened and he clamped his webbed hands over his mouth.

"Did I just say that out loud?" he asked sheepishly.

"**_RRRR_BBUT!**" A loud voice croaked as Keroro was tackled by a green blur.

_"Oh…my god! It's like, Frogger, dude!"_

In her booth, Shinigami Goumon snickered evilly, a cell phone held between her thumb and index finger.

"**GO FROGGER! GO!**" Kermit yelled form the audience.

"Kick his ass!" shrieked Keropi Frog.

"**_KILL'M!_**" Fiona roared.

The green blur fought its way offstage and into the night (even tho' it was the middle of the afternoon)

_"Now you know…Keroro!"_

* * *

"_Who's next? Who's next? Maybe I should do Puu next!_" Shinigami sang, spinning around in her chair. 

That last one had been fun!

Hee hee!

Just like a car wreck!

You couldn't help but watch!

"_Which one? Which one?_" Goumon said thoughtfully, "_OI! TOUDA!_"

"Yes ma'am?" replied one of the stagehands.

"_I can't decide!_" Shinigami said, her face contorting with glee, "_They're all just too perfect! You do it for me!_"

"Huh?" Touda blinked, "Well…okay. Howabout…him?"

Goumon followed his finger and her face filled with joy when she saw whom he had chosen.

She tackle glomped him.

"_YOU'RE A GOOD SUBORDINATE!_" She squealed.

* * *

"**_Next on our stool's blacklist is_**…**TSUZUKI ASATO!** **_COME ONNN DOWN!"_**

The purple eyed Guardian of Death walked down the stairs, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Tsuzuki…he secretly married a squirrel!"_

"Wuh-**_WHAT!_**" Tsuzuki cried, "**NO**, I **didn't**!"

Under his breath, "_Shut up before HISOKA hears you!"_

_"Aww…but Tsuzuki! Cheating on your spouse is considered infidelity, isn't it?"_

"Shut up!" Tsuzuki hissed.

"_Which is a sin!"_

"**I'M _NOT_ MARRIED TO A _SQUIRREL_ GODDAMMIT!**" Tsuzuki shouted.

_"Ooo! Taking the Lord's name in vain! Strike two, mutha fucka!"_

"Y-you're…**_you're_** **MARRIED?**" Hisoka cried, "**YOU _BITCH!_**"

Sobbing, the green eyed Guardian of Death dashed out of the studio in tears.

* * *

"**_ACK!_**" Tsuzuki cried, "**Hi-Hisoka! Honey!** **_WAIT!_** Now see what you've done? **COME _BACK!_** **She's nothing but a lying** **_WHORE!_**" 

"**Tsuzuki**." Tatsumi said sharply, "You will **sit back down** and **do your time** or **so help me**, I'll **_cut your pay in_** **HALF!**"

"Wuh-**WHAT?**" Tsuzuki cried, "Ta-Tatsumi! **You jerk!** **_I hate you!"_**

"Yes, yes." Tatsumi drawled, "Now _**SIT** **DOWN!**_"

"_Hee_ _hee!_" Shinigami giggled from her booth, "_Ah the joys of paying off the Secretary of the Ministry of Hades!_"

* * *

_"Now then…Tsuzuki…he longs for Dr. Muraki to take him away!"_

"**_I most certainly do _NO-!**" Tsuzuki never got the last word out because Dr. Muraki was at his side, a bouquet of red roses overflowing his arms.

"My dear Mr. Tsuzuki…" he murmured, "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say those words."

"**I DIDN'T SAY THEM!**" Tsuzuki shrieked, "**_SHE_ DID!**"

_"Tsuzuki…he's about to get seriously molested...heh."_

"**_AAAAAAAAUGH!_**" Tsuzuki screamed as Dr. Muraki hefted him over his shoulder, "**I HATE YOU! HISOKA! _HISOKA!_ HELP _MEEEE!_**"

_"Now you know…Tsuzuki."

* * *

_

"_Pfft! Hee hee hee!_" Goumon laughed.

So much fun!

But why should Touda be the only one enjoying himself?

"_Oh, Koyooooooori!_" she sang.

"Yes Lady Goumon?" a female stagehand asked mildly.

"_Touda picked the last one!_" Shinigami grinned, "_Your turn!_"

"Huh?" the girl blinked, "Oh! Okay! Howabout..."

_**TBC!

* * *

**_

(A/N: Who will Koyori pick? Stay tuned to find out! R&R!)


	4. More Stagehand Choices & EW THAT'S GROSS

(A/N: Hey all! Your Mad, Mistress of Mayhem, Shinigami Goumon here! All I can say is WOW! Thanks for all the positive responses! And now, without further adieu, here's the continuation of last chappie!)

* * *

Koyori glanced around until her eyes fell on one in particular that she felt would please her boss. 

"How about her?" Koyori asked pointing to a girl in the audience.

Shinigami Goumon looked where her help had had pointed and a twisted grin filled her face.

"_GREAT WORK, GIRL!_" She screeched, glomming the girl.

"**_AAAAAUGH!_**" Koyori screamed.

* * *

"_**Our next casualty will be**_…**KIDO SAORI-HIME!** **_COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

Saori strode down with a confident regal air, one befitting a princess.

Well…all **THAT** was about to change!

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Saori…she's afraid of her own shadow!"_

"I most certainly am NOT!" Saori snapped coolly, "Do not trifle with the reincarnate of Athe-"

_"Hey Saori! Don't look down, kay? Wouldn't wantcha runnin' out on us THIS early! Heh heh!"_

"Rrr…" Saori growled…before taking a deep breath to calm herself, "I am not afraid of my shadow, Mysterious-Voice-From-No-Where. You should really check your sources next time."

* * *

From behind the one way glass, Shinigami Goumon twitched. 

Saori was gonna be one tough nut to crack…

Which was why she was gonna bring out the big guns!

* * *

_"Saori…she's in a Not-So-Secret-Anymore alliance with the Akatsuki!"_

"**WH-WHAT! _WHOTOLDYOU?_**" Saori shrieked.

_"Oh-HO! So you admit IT then!"_

A boot was thrown at her head.

It connected with a rather empty **_-KLUNG-_** sound.

* * *

"**DON'T BLOW YOUR COVER AGENTM!**" Kisame shouted. 

"She didn't…" Deidara sighed.

"Yes…" Itachi growled, "You just went and blew it **_FOR HER_ SHIT FER BRAINS!**"

**_-THWAK-_**

"_**OWWIE!**_" Kisame howled.

* * *

_"Saori…she believes she invented the apostrophe!"_

"Huh?" Saori glanced around, with look on her face vaguely similar to that of a small child who has just had its toy taken away, "But I **_DID_** invent the apostrophe!"

_"Of coooourse, Saori. I'm sure you did."_

"I did!" Saori cried, stamping her feet like a child.

_"Uh-huh. Riiiiiight."_

"You suck, you **meanie-weeny-foe-feeenie!**" Saori sobbed, wiping away tears with her fists, "I**_ hate_** you! Don't think you've heard the last of me!"

_"Aww…break my heart why doncha…NOT!"_

"_**BWAAAAAAH!**_" Saori howled as she dashed out of the studio, tripping over her skirt and face-planting as she went.

_"Now you know…Saori!"_

* * *

"_AHAHAHAHAHAHA!_" Shinigami Goumon laughed, replaying Saori's face-plant over and over again on the recording the security tapes had made. 

"Lady Goumon?" Touda asked tentatively.

"_Mm?_" Goumon replied distractedly, snorting as she watched Saori's face connect with the cement again.

"You have to continue the show ma'am." Koyori said gently, not wishing to incite her boss's wrath.

After watching the fall one more time, she ripped her gaze away.

"_Alllllright._" Shinigami sighed, scanning the audience.

"_Victim_…_victim_…_vict-AH-HAAA! GOTCHA!_" Goumon cried.

* * *

"**_Our next sacrificial lamb will beee_**…**HAMUTARO! _COME ON DOWNNN!_**" 

The tiny rodent skittered down the stairs and up on top of the stool.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Hamtaro…he thinks Hiroko is a sadistic whoremonger who needs to burn and die!"_

"**What!**" Hamutaro cried indignantly, "_Kuush kuush!_ I **_LOVE_** Hiroko! She's a **WONDERFUL **person!"

_"Hey, Hamutaro? After you kill her…what do you plan to do next?"_

"Well I-**_Wait!_ NO!**" Hamutaro shouted.

"**HAMUTARO! _HOW COULD YOU!_**" Hiroko shrieked, bursting into tears.

"It was a **mistake!**" Hamutaro wailed, "She messed with my head!"

* * *

_"Hamutaro…he and the rest of the Ham-Hams are in a conspiracy with the Teletubbies to take over the world!"_

"_SHHH!_" Hamutaro hissed, "Keep it down! We're tryna keep that a secret til next year!"

_"Hamutaro…he and the Teletubbies are Barney's bitches!"_

"Not so loud!" Hamutaro squealed, "He's _right…there!_"

The purple embodiment of all things evil sat in the third row, flipping a quarter…somehow…someway.

"_**Hamutaro!**_" Hiroko bawled, "How could **lower** yourself like this! Where did I go **wrong?**"

_"Hamutaro…he's about to get capped if th' bitch don't run!"_

Taking the hint, Hamutaro hopped off the stool and hauled ass to parts unknown, Barney and the Teletubbies hot on his heels.

_"Now you know…Hamtaro!"_

* * *

"_WOO-HOO!_" 

Goumon spun around at lightspeed in her chair.

"Lady Goumon…what are you doing?" Koyori asked delicately.

"_Getting the blood to floooooow to my head!_" Shinigami squealed.

"Well that's all very nice, but you have a show to d-"

Touda never got his retort out because Shinigami Goumon flew off the chair and slammed into him.

"_Thanks for catching me!_" she grinned.

"Catch…nothin'…" he groaned.

Goumon slid back into her chair and randomly selected a victim.

* * *

"**_Alright, ladies and germs! The next victim for the Hot Seat is_**…**KOENMA-DAIOH!_ COME ONNN DOWN, SHRIMP!_**" 

"Watch your mouth!" Koenma snapped on his way down the stairs.

He took his seat, legs a-swingin', and his roasting began.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Koenma…he once befriended a pig named I. B. Kosher!"_

"I most certainly did not!" Koenma growled.

"**_Reegh-reeegh!_**" a pig squealed indignantly from the audience.

"_SHHH!_" Koenma hissed.

_"So you say."_

"That's right!" Koenma huffed.

"**_REEEEGH!_**" The porker squealed angrily.

"**Hey!** I only played with you the one time cuz I felt sorry for ya!" Koenma cried.

* * *

_"Koenma…he's a heartless bastard, who doesn't treat our bovine brethren with the respect they deserve!"_

"But he's a **PIG** for Gods sakes!" Koenma wailed.

"**REEEEEEGH!**" the pig screeched angrily, "**REEEGH**-**_REEEEEEEEEEEEEEGH!_**"

_"Koenma…doesn't know the difference between a hog and a boar."_

"**WHAT?** **You're a** **_GIRL?_**" Koenma screamed.

"Ree." The pig nodded, looking rather irked.

"_Koenma…doesn't know that the I. stands for Ikuyo!_" 

"Hey, I'm sorry…ya wanna go somewhere with a little more…air?" Koenma said, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

"**Ree-_eegh!_**" The pig, eh-hem, _**Ikuyo**_, nodded enthusiastically.

_"Koenma…practices beastiality!"_

"So what?" Koenma drawled, "It's a free world."

"**YOU'RE _SICK_ MAN!**" Kuwabara shrieked from the audience, clutching Eikichi tightly to his chest.

_"Now you know…Koenma!"_

* * *

"_Three down!_" Shinigami said cheerfully stretching in her chair, "_Ahhhh_…_it never gets old!_" 

She scanned the audience.

Who'd be next.

Which one?

Which one?

* * *

(A/N: Who's up for Round Five? Stick around to find out! R&R!) 


	5. Never Mess With The Voice

(A/N: Heya! Shinigami Goumon here! Thankies for all the reviews! And without further adieu, LET THE BASHING COMMENCE!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon searched the audience for her next vict-koff-contestant! 

Her eyes came to rest on a girl with long black hair, pulled into a ponytail, currently bashing the crap out of a verrrrrrrrrrrrrry sexy red head with bokuto.

"_Oh No-No-Nannette!_" Shinigami smirked viciously, "_No one abuses bishounen in MY omnipotent presence…no one except ME that is_…**_ke ke ke ke ke!_**"

Touda and Koyori ducked down behind a mixing board, quaking in fear.

* * *

"**_Our next fatality is, all the way from Kamiya Dojo_**…**KAMIYA KAORU! _COME ONNNN DOWN, YA RACCOON FACED SLUT_!**" 

"What did you say?" Kaoru snarled, stomping down the stairs, bokuto gripped in one hand, Kenshin gripped in the other, being dragged along by the ponytail.

"_Drop the bishounen, bitch!" _

A pair of mechanical hands dropped down from the ceiling and punched Kaoru in the face, sending her flying into a wall some twenty odd feet away.

Kenshin was then tenderly scooped up by said hands, retunred to his seat and given a neck massage (I mean, COME ON! HOW can you NOT love a guy who goes 'Oro?'?)

* * *

"Oh…oh…gods…ouch." Kaoru moaned, staggering back to the stool.

_"Huh? Oh. Still alive, huh Dog Face?"_

"What th' HELLS was THAT FOR?" Kaoru shrieked, attempting to staunch the blood gushing from her nose.

_"For assaulting a bishounen who obviously has to be made of marshmallows!"_

"Marsh…mallows…?" Kaoru asked, thoroughly confused as blood poured between her fingers.

_"Because anyone that squishy and sweet and glompable can NOT be human! Therefore, he's made of marshmallows!"_

"…ooooooookayee." Kaoru said skeptically.

_"But enough of about sweet, squishy, glompable, obviously-made-of-marshmallows Kenshin! On to your MEGA BASHING!"

* * *

_

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Kaoru…she's been a crack-cocaine dealer for the past five years!"_

"Whuh-what are you talking about?" Kaoru asked nervously, eyes flitting through the audience at all the Officer Jenny's who began palming their batons,"N-no I'm not."

_"Hey Kaoru? D'ya still have that great blow that killed Beluchi?"_

"Sure do, but it'll cost y-**_EEP!_**" Kaoru squeaked, clamping both hands over her mouth as the Officer Jenny's began to rise to their feet.

"_Now, now Officers. You'll get your chance."_

Grumbling slightly, the police squadron sat back down.

* * *

Kaoru's face was white with panic…and bloodloss. 

She attempted to make a break for it, but a metal manacle clamped around her thighs, pinning her to the stool.

"_Nice try, Kamiya. Better men than you have tried to escape the stool's almighty grasp and all have failed. Heh heh heh!"_

Karu's nosebleed finally stopped, but her face remained pale with fear.

"_Now then…Kaoru…She works for a drug lord named Flippy the Shark!"_

"**Where do you _come up_ with this shi-!**" Kaoru cried only to be cut off by the Disembodied voice.

"_Hey Kaoru? Couldja ask Flippy ta cut me a deal on some ice?"_

"**RRRRR!**" Kaoru growled, **"I DON'T _KNOW_ ANYONE NAMED FLIPPY!**"

"_Howabout some African Black?"_

"**_SHUT UP_ YOU ANONYMOUS VOICE FROM NO WHERE!**" Kaoru roared.

"_Some Heroin perhaps?"_

"Whyyyy wont you **shut _uuuuuuuuuup?_**" Kaoru moaned, rocking back and forthfrom the confines of the stool.

* * *

"_Kaoru…she believes that buttering ones zori is good for the soul!"_

"**WHAT?**" Kaoru cried, looking truly repulsed, "**_NO I DO-!_**"

"_Oops! Wait! Sorry! That was a typo!"_

"Finally admitting your wrong, eh?" Kaoru Smirked.

"_You have no soul!"_

Kaoru's eyes went wide with anger.

"**I DO_ SO_ HAVE A SOUL, YOU SICK FUCK!**" Kaoru screamed.

"_This comin' from a soulless crackwhore!"_

"**_I AM NOT SOULLESS!_**" Kaoru shrieked.

"_Tell Flippy I said hi!"_

"**ARE YOU _STILL_ ON THAT?**" Kaoru roared.

"_Now you know…Kaoru."_

"_By the way…Officer Jenny Squad? Have at her!"_

The shackle around Kaoru's thighs was released and the Jenny's charged.

"**YEEEEEEEEEE!**" Kaoru shrieked, taking off in the opposite direction.

* * *

From her booth, Shinigami watched with vindictive pleasure as the mob of Officer Jenny's captured Kaoru and began bashing in her skull. 

"_Heh_…_heh heh heh_…_that'll teach her._" Goumon snickered, "_The only one doing the bashing on this show_…_is me!_"

"**WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

"**_Waaaaah_**…Lady Goumon is so scary." Koyori whimpered.

"**Shh!** She'll hear you!" Touda hissed.

Shinigami had already spotted her next victim and had brought her microphone back to her lips.

* * *

"**_The next participator for our sizzlin' hot Hot Seat issss_**…**DUO MAXWELL! _COME ON DOWN!_**" 

The cocky Gundam pilot strutted down the stairs confidently, braid swishing behind him.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Duo…he once stole one Relena's favorite dresses-"_

"THAT WAS YOU?" Relena shrieked, shooting out of her seat..

"_-put it on and danced around to Aerosmith's, "Dude Looks Like A Lady"!"_

"**IT WAS ON A _DARE!_**" Duo shouted, "**QUATRE _DOUBLE DOG DARED_ _ME _TO!** I Couldn't **BACK _DOWN!_ MY _HONOR_ WAS AT STAKE!**"

"_So you sacrificed your manhoodon a dare, eh?"_

"_**That's right!**_" Duo nodded, looking proud of himself…for a second before it dawned on his that he'd been insulted, "**Hey! _WAIT-_ NO!**"

"_Good ta know_..._dumbass."

* * *

_

"_Duo…he once opened mouth kissed Wufei!"_

"I did **NOT!**" Duo shouted furiously, defending what little masculine pride he had left.

"_Oh, but I have PROOF!"_

"Shyeah **_RIGHT!_**" Duo snorted, calling her bluff, "Bring it on out, ya Disembodied Deciever!"

"_As you wish, pretty boy."_

A pair of double doors opened and who should walk in but Chang Wufei himself, looking very irked.

* * *

"Sorry Maxwell." Wufei grunted, "But somehow, someway, that omnipotent bitch managed to appropriate Nataku. She said she would only return him on the condition that I did **_THIS!_**" 

He thrust a hand in his shirt and came out with a large fistful of photographs, which he began to rain down on the audience.

Duo caught one.

"**AWP!**" he squeaked.

It was picture of him, stupid drunk, forcing a kiss an a unbelievably pissed off Wufei.

"_You were saying?"_

Duo opened and closed his mouth like a fish a few times before leaping off the stool and attempting to snatch up all the photos.

"_Now you know…Duo."

* * *

_

"_Haaa_..._such joy_..._such rapture!_" Shinigami sighed blissfully.

She had managed to snag twenty copies of that pic before the show.

"_Hee hee! These babies are gonna go for a TON on e-Bay!_" Goumon giggled.

She slid one photo into a frame.

"_And of COURSE one-for-ME!_" she squealed, "_LONG LIVE YAOI!_"

Her assistants sighed mounrfully.

"What did we ever do to deserve being pinned with such a nutjob?" Touda sobbed.

"No, Mom!" Koyori thought hysterically, "I don't need college! I'm gonna follow my dream...and be a star!"

The two stared at their boss, currently waving a banner that read, "**_YAOI FOREVER!_**"

"Boo hoo hoo hoo!" they bawled internally.

* * *

(A/N: Who's up next? R&R to find out!) 


	6. Dumb Blondes & YECH! Incest

(A/N: Hey all my fantabulous reviewers! Thank you-spank you for all your comments! And now...onto the bashing!)

* * *

Ignoring her sobbing stagehands, Shinigami Goumon began her never ending search for victims to feed the stool. 

She swung back and forth in her office chair, scanning the audience as she did so.

Suddenly, she came upon a prime candidate.

She was Perky.

She was Preppy.

And above all else…

She…was…**BLONDE!**

"_Hee hee hee!_" Goumon giggled maliciously, "_Come ta Mama!_"

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_**…**TSUKINO USAGI! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**" 

Usagi, however, was deeply involved in a fight with Rei over who's breasts were the biggest, and didn't hear the announcement.

In her booth behind the one way glass, Shinigami twitched.

"_**Eh-hem**_…_**I seh-ehd**_…**TSUKINO USAGI! _COME ON DOWNNN!_**"

Usagi and Rei's argument raged on…

…and Goumon was ignored.

* * *

Now if there's one thing Shinigami Goumon can't stand, it's being ignored. 

Shinigami brought her thumb down viciously on a poisonous green button located right next to the red one from Chapter 2.

A bolt of lightning shot down on Usagi, leaving the rest of the surrounding audience singed, but unharmed.

"**_Now for the LAST TIME!_ TSUKINO USAGI! _GETCHER BLEACHED BLONDE BUTT DOWN HERE!_**"

A charbroiled Usagi stumbled down the stairs, gripping onto the stool for support as her knees gave out.

"_FINALLY! Gods! You'd think with all th' DYE you must use that it started a slow PEROXIDE leak into yer BRAIN!"_

"Huh-**hey!**" Usagi sniffled, pulling herself painfully up onto the stool, "That was uncalled for! And I don't dye my hair! I'm a natural blonde."

"_Ya know? Somehow I believe you."_

"About ti-**_HEY!_**" Usagi cried, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you'd just **insulted** me!"

"_What? Who? ME? Oh nooooooooo!"_

"**Rrrr!**" Usagi growled, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes (We haven't STARTED bashing ya yet grrl! You're DOOMED!)

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_ _"Usagi…she molests lightpoles!"_

"Wuh-huh?" Usagi cried confusedly, a typical I've-Just-Been-Hit-Over-The-Head-With-A-Frying-Pan look on her face, "Just a question, but how do you molest a lightpole?"

_"Ask yourself that, pervert!"_

"**I'M NO PERVERT!**" Usagi shrieked, "**_YOU'RE_ THE PERVERT!**"

_"How so? I'm not the one going out and molesting poor defenseless lightpoles!"_

"**RRRRGH!**" Usagi screamed, pulling violently on her pigtails, "**THAAAAT _DOES_ IIIIIIIIT! MOOOOONNN _ETERRRNAAAALLLLLL-!_**"

_"Ah-Ah-AH-AHHH! That's far enough, Playboy Bunny!"_

The mechanized hands from Chapter 5 shot down and ripped off her transformation pendant.

"**_WAAUGH!_**" Usagi sobbed, "**Give it _BACK!_ GIVEIT_BACK_GIVEIT_BACK_GIVEIT_BAAAAACK!_**"

_"Don't be sucha baby, ya ditz! I'll give it back when I'm done!"_

"Maybe." Shinigami snickered to herself.

* * *

_"Usagi…she's leaving Mamoru for Artemis."_

"**_WHAT?_**"Mamoru shouted, leaping out of his chair, "**U-USAGI IS THAT _TRUE?_**"

Usagi turned bright red.

"Sorry Mamoru." Usagi said, "But you haven't **_SEEN_** Artemis in his human form! Talkabout your **HUNKNASAURUS!**"

"_**RRRGH!**_ **Fine then!**" Darien snarled, "**GO AHEAD AND _BE_ WITH THE _DAMN CAT!_ SEE IF I CARE!**"

"Cuh-Cuh-Cat?" Ranma whispered, turning his head slowly.

"Yo." Artemis said casually, still in his cat form.

"**GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!**" Ranma shrieked dashing through the audience.

_"Now you know…Usagi."_

"**Hey! _WAIT!_ WHADDABOUT MY _COMPACT?_**" Usagi shrieked.

* * *

"_Pfft_…_sucker_." Shinigami snickered, "_After I sell this baby on e-Bay, I'll be able ta buy that mansion out from under Donald Trump!_ _HA HA!_" 

"I am in Disneyland…" Touda chanted, "Diz-nee-lannnnnnd…"

"Gonna die. Gonna die." Koyori muttered, rocking back and forth, "We're gonna die."

After posting the transformation compact on the site, Shinigami Goumon began to scan the audience for the next sacrifice.

"_Ah-ha._" She murmured as she locked on to a goody-goody, black-haired, blue-eyed ten year old, "_Found you._"

* * *

"_**Our next casualty issss**_…**DAIDOJI TOMOYO! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The ten year old strode gracefully down the stair, indicating that she had been well bred.

Not that her breeding would help her now.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Tomoyo…she's head over heels in love with Li!"_

"N-No I'm **_not!_**" Tomoyo sputtered, "I'm in love with-!"

_"Yee-ehhsss?"_

"Nevermind." Tomoyo said quickly.

* * *

_"Tomoyo…I'm about to scream at the top of my lungs who your true love is."_

"Y-y-you**_ wouldn't-!_**" Tomoyo cried.

_"Ohhhh, but I would!"_ (SOMEone hasn't been paying attention!)

"**NO _DON-!_**" Tomoyo never got to finish her sentence.

"_KINOMOTO SAKURA! TOMOYO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU! LIKE THAT WANNABE PUNK ASHLEE SIMPSON'S SONG, 'L.-O.-L.-O.-L.-O.-V.-E.!' SPELL IT OUT, YOU RETARD! SHE IS LOOP-DEE-LOOP, OVER THE MOON FOR YOU!"_

Tomoyo's mouth opened and closed and was currently a very interesting shade of purply-red.

Sakura, on the other hand, was rather white.

* * *

"T-Tomoyo?" she mumbled, "Y-you…you're my cousin." 

"I know…" Tomoyo managed, "But I can't help it!"

_"Yes, we're all very aware of that, sicko."_

"You…are my cousin." Sakura said again, taking a step back.

"So?" Tomoyo said, becoming more bold and taking a step forward.

"**_AAAAAAAUUGH!_ INCEST!**" Sakura screamed, ducking behind Yue and Keroberos.

Tomoyo dove forward.

"Sakura my love!"

* * *

"_Tomoyo…is about to be hauled off by my bestest buddies in the whole wide world, the Men in White!"_

A pair of men, dressed completely in white, appeared out of nowhere with a needle almost as tall as they were.

They wrenched the passion crazed girl and quickly jammed the needle in her thigh.

"Nighty-night crazy girl!" one said soothingly.

The other slung the babbling girl over his shoulder.

"Sunshine, lollipops and…rainbows…" Tomoyo sang sloppily as she was carried away.

"_Ciao guys! See ya on Thursday!"_

"_Now you know…Tomoyo!"_

"**_We'll be right back Ladies and Germs_..._Right after_ _THEEEEEESE MESSAGES!_**"

_

* * *

_

"_Well, that was disturbing._" Shinigami said, sticking out her tongue, "_Incest...YIIECH! But I got ta see my buds the M.I.W.'s so it's alllll good G!_"

Touda was currently calculating how many days were left in his demonic lifespan.

Koyori rocked back and forth on the floor.

**_-BLOO-OO-_**

"_Eh?_"

Goumon rooled her chair over to the computer located across the room.

"_WOOOOOOOT!_ _500 TRILL ON THAT_ _CHEEZY_ _COMPACT!_" she hooted, "_Who's th' buyer?_"

Her eyes went wide...

...then she started to laugh.

"_Why am I not surprised._.._Orochimaru?_" Goumon howled.

* * *

(A/N: Next Chappie? More commercials and, of course, MORE BASHING! **_WOOOOOOOOOT!_** R&R!) 


	7. One LONG Ass Chapter

(A/N: Heya! Hope ya like this one! Enjoy!

**_

* * *

_**

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**_AAAAUUGH!_**

**Huh?**

**Hey Sasuke...wasn't that Itachi?**

_**AAAIIIIIEE!**_

**Sasori?**

**_YAAAAUGH! GET IT AWAY!_**

**Jiraiya?**

**_EEEYAA-AA-AAAUGH!_**

**Orochi...maru?**

**What the hell is going on?**

**Naruto-kunnn!**

**Sasuke-samaaaaa!**

**Oh...no...**

**Oh dear god _NO!_**

**RUN FOR IT!**

_**MARY-SUES!**_

**000**

**Mary-sues gotcha down?**

**Well...NOT ANY MORE!**

**MARY-SUE REPELLENT!**

**Guaranteed to make those Implausibly Perfect Harpys: **

**RUN FOR THE HILLS!**

**ABANDON ALL HOPE!**

**GIVE UP ON CHANGING PSYCHOTIC KILLERS!**

**AND SEND THEM PACKING FOR THEIR AUTHOR'S MINDS IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!**

**MARY-SUE REPELLENT!**

**IN STORES NOW!**

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

* * *

Outside the studio, a huge line had formed, waiting to get inside for today's show. 

A pair of giagantamous bouncers flanked either side of the door.

As a rather large group approached, the bouncer's moved in front of the double doors, blocking them entirely.

"Huh?" Ulric cried.

"**_Hey!_**" Clover shrieked indignantly, "What's th' deal?"

"**Yeah!**" Martin Mystery shouted, waving a fist, "We came a long way to see people get bashed!"

"**Let us in!**" Mikey Simon yelled.

"Read th' sign, short stack." The bouncer on the left (we'll called him Ryuuga) growled.

"Sign?" they chorused.

"Yeah. Sign." The other bouncer (let's call HIM Ryouga)

They jerked their thumbs over their head at a **_VERY_** large billboard with red type face.

It read-

**NO CRAPPY-ME**

**NO MOCKY-ME**

**NO AMERI-ME**

**ONLY ANIME!**

**WILL MAKE NO SUBSTITUTIONS**!

"**This is an** **_OUTRAGE!_**" Yumi cried.

"**Its DISCRIMINATION! _THAT'S_ what it is!**" Sam shouted.

"**_Just WAIT until I bring my lawyer from The Center over!_**" Diana shrieked.

"**If Mikey-sama want in,** **_HE GET IN!_**" Ozu roared.

* * *

_-"Boss, we got us a little sitchy-ation." -_ Ryuuga sighed into his com (short for communicator) 

In her booth, Shinigami Goumon stopped spinning in her desk chair and pelting Koyori and Touda with office supplies.

"_Ree-heel-lee?_" Goumon replied, "_What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?_"

_-"We have some charas outside who want in who don't exactly…meet your qualifications, miss."-_ Ryouga shrugged.

Shinigami shot herself across the room and brought up the studio entrance up on screen.

She almost wretched at the sight of the crappy-me, mocky-me, and ameri-me charas yelling and screaming and demanding entrance.

_-"Permission to use lethal force, miss?"-_ Ryuuga asked.

"_Granted!_" Goumon cried.

She blipped off the screen just as Ryouga and Ryuuga whipped out machine guns and a beaker of sulfuric acid.

* * *

"_Alright. Time to pick out the next fatality!_" Shinigami whooped, spinning in her office chair again. 

She stopped when she saw the perfect bashable chara.

That soft…blue fur.

That shiny black hair.

Those round brown eyes.

His inability to speak.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_**…**PUU!** **_COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The blue spirit beast flapped its ears all the way down to the stool

Standing next to the stool, was a brunette boy with cat ears and tail, acting as a Puu-Japanese translator.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Puu…he rules the Pickle People of Neptune with an iron fisted dictatorship!"_

"**PUU!**" Puu cried indignantly, "**PU PU _PU_ PU _PUU!_**"

The Translator, who's name is Maiku by the way, turned to the audience.

"He said, **WHAT THE _FUCK?_ I'M NOT A DICTATOR IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR _FORM!_**"

"_Oh Puu, you should know that dictatorships are so outdated. Totalitarianism is the way of the future!" _

"**PUUU!**" Puu screeched, "**PU PU PUU PUU PU PU _PUUU!_**"

Maiku turned to the audience again.

"Puu said, **TOTALITARIANISM AND DICTATORSHIPS ARE THE SAME THING _BITCH!_**"

"_No they're not. But you wish they were…Tyrant of Pickledom!"_

"**PUU PU _PU_ PU PU _PUUUU!_**" Puu shrieked.

Maiku nodded and faced the audience.

"He said, **I DO _NOT_ RULE PICKLES YOU _WHORE!_**"

* * *

"_Puu…His real name is Winnie the Shit!"_

From the audience, Keiko could be heard laughing her ass off while Yusuke could be heard yelling something along the lines of, "It's not funny, damnit!"…or something like that.

"**_PUU!_ PU _PUU_ PU PUUU PUU PU PU PUUU PU PUU _PU!_**" Puu cried angrily.

Maiku turned back to the audience.

"Puu says, **_WHAT!_ HOW _DARE_ YOU COMAPRE ME T' THAT HONEY EATIN' FREAK, _BITCH!_**"

"_Come off it Winnie! No need to be ashamed!"_

"**PU PU! PU PU! _PUUU!_**" Puu screamed.

Maiku nodded and turned to the audience again.

"He said, **MY NAME! IS NOT! _WINNIE!_**"

"_Awww…but Winnie! If your Mommy heard that, she would cry! She gave you that name!"_

"**PU PU PU PU _PUU PU_ PU PU PUU PU _PUU!_**" Puu shouted.

Maiku turned to the audience.

"Puu said, **MY MOTHER WOULD_ NEVER_ NAME ME SOMETHING AS _STUPID_ AS WINNIE THE _SHIT!_**"

"_Oh and as if 'Puu' is any better?"_

"…" Puu shook with anger.

* * *

There was a burst of flames that killed the translator (sniff! Fare-thee-well Maiku!) and transformed Puu into his larger phoenix form. 

"_Puu…he's about to meet my pals, the Men In White!"_

The M.I.W.'s had snuck up behind the overstuffed turkey and had jammed the needle the size of New Guinea into his hip.

"Lullaby…and goodnight…we are in for good eatin'." One of the M.I.W.'s sang as the hefted Puu of the ground and hauled him away.

"**PUU!_ NO!_ I'm comin' for ya buddy!**" Yusuke yelled, dashing after them.

"_Now you know…Puu!"

* * *

_

"_WEEE!_ _FUN-FUNNER-FUNNEST!_" Shinigami Goumon whooped.

She spun at lightspeed in her chair as her stagehands sobbed in the corner.

"_Round-and-round-and-round-I-go!_" Goumon sang, "_Who'll-be-the-next-victim-for-my-show?_"

Shinigami flew out of her chair and slammed against the one way glass, spotting the next casualty in the process.

* * *

"_**Our next victim issss**_…**MOKONA MODOKI! _COME ONNN DOWN YA LITTLE FUR BALL!_**" 

"**_Hey!_** Mokona is not a fur ball!" Mokona said cheerfully as she bounced down the steps, "Mokona is a talking interdimensional vortex that just happens to be covered in fur!"

"It's true." Yuuko snickered arrogantly.

"_Riiiiiight_._"_

"I think The Voice is a bit more on target in this case." Watanuki sighed.

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Mokona…she enjoys stealing toys from war orphans!"_

"**_Whaaa?_**" Mokona cried, eyes opening freakishly, "Mokona has never stolen from **ANYONE!** Let a-**_LONE_** orphans!"

"_Of all the people in the world to steal from…tsk-tsk-tsk!"_

"Mokona just said she **DOESN'T** steal!" Mokona cried, "Did you not hear her?"

"_I mean, the fact you steal at all is awful, but war orphans?"_

"**MOKONA DOES _NOT_ STEAL!**" Mokona shrieked, swelling up like a balloon.

"_Hey Yuuko! Howya like being associated with someone as underhanded as that? Not to mention loud and quick tempered?"_

"Well, Watanuki is already quick tempered, so that I'm used to." Yuuko snickered.

"**HEY!**" Watanuki yelled.

"And Maru and Moro are cute as buttons, but loud as lions." Yuuko snorted.

"**HAI! HAI!**" Maru nodded rapidly, huge grin on her face.

"**WE ARE! WE ARE!**" Moro nodded along, even bigger grin on her face.

"_Ahh…I see. So ya don't care about her stealing from war orphans?"_

"**MOKONA NEVER STOLE FROM WAR ORPHANS!**" Mokona shrieked.

"Hey, it's her business." Yuuko shrugged.

"Mokona does not Be-lieeeeeeve this!" the poofball cried.

* * *

"_Mokona…her boyfriend is actually a can of orange soda!"_

"_Shigure! They've found out about us!_" Mokona whispered into her pocket.

"**'ay!** Yo th' broke ass bitch oo busted inta mah house 'n stole **_mah_** Orange Soda!" a REAL LIFE human roared, leaping out of the audience to reclaim his stolen soda.

"_Oh…my GAWD! It's, like, Kel dude!"_

The cell from Chapter 3 was once more in Shinigami Goumon's hand and she was currently laughing her ass off as Mokona mourned the loss of "Shigure" as Kel Mitchell stormed off, stage left, with his retrieved can of soda.

* * *

"_Mokona…she drinks out of the toilet when she thinks no one's looking!"_

"Uh-um-err…M-Mokona does not know what you are…talking about." Mokona replied hesitantly.

"_Why the hesitation Mokona? Something you wanna tell us? Mm?"_

"N-no! Of...of course not!" Mokona stammered, looking at Yuuko nervously.

"Mo-Ko-**NAAA!**" Yuuko growled, "Don't **_TELL _ME-!**"

"_Mokona…drank out of Yuuko's toilet!"_

"**_DIE _YOU OVERSTUFFED BALL OF _FUR!_**" Yuuko screamed, blowing Mokona away with a powerful spell.

"_Now you know…Mokona!"

* * *

_

Shinigami Goumon glanced around the audience.

So many charas!

All such wonderful specimens!

…but not as fine as _**THAT**_ specimen in the twenty third row!

"_Hoo hoo_ _HOO!_" Shinigami giggled, "_Honey, you maybe cute, but a bashing you are in for!_"

* * *

"_**Our next victim isssssss**_…**MIZUKI TOUYA! _COME ONNN DOWN, YA STUD!_**" 

"**BACK OFF, _BITCH!_ HE'S _MINE!_**" Aya roared, waving her fist threateningly at where she thought The Voice might be (not even close)

Touya ambled calmly down the stairs and sat down casually on the stool from hell.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Touya…he thinks Aya is a self-absorbed hussy who needs to rot in hell!"_

Touya narrowed his eyes.

"I most certainly do not." He growled.

"You'd **_BETTER_ NOT!**" Aya snarled from the audience.

"_Oh, no need to hide it, Touya! I agree with you! In fact many do!"_

"I do **not** think Aya is a self-absorbed hussy!" Touya growled, anger building.

"_Show of hands who thinks Aya needs to rot in hell?"_

The hands of at least a million and three fangirls and boys shot up (as well as the hands of Kagami and Alexander Howell)

"_See? Don't be frightened! You have back up!"_

"I don't. Think Aya's. A **Hussy!**" Touya snarled, knuckles cracking loudly.

"_Shyeah…right."

* * *

_

"_Touya…He thinks Blankey from The Brave Little Toaster is HAWT!"_

"Where the **hell **did that come from?" Touya sputtered, looking thoroughly confused.

"_Don't deny it, Toy-Boy! You KNOW you think he's smexy!"_

"I most **definitely **do **no-!**" Touya never got the words out because there was a scream of-

"**_WAAH!_ KEEP'M _AWAY!_**"

Blankey dove behind Belldandy.

_"Ooo! Rejection! I'm so sorry Touya!"_

Touya stared blankly at where he assumed The Voice was emanating (EHNNN! WRONG!)

"What are you _**talking **_about woman?" He said dully.

* * *

"_Touya…he's about to get sugar high!"_

"I beg your-!"

"_Come on out guys!" _

A girl and a boy came running onto the stage.

Both were dressed in business wear and were overly bouncy

"It's time for…" the girl cried, before the boy joined her in bellowing-

"**_SUGAR_ AND _COFFEE!_**"

"**_I'm Tony!_**" the boy said, bouncing up and down on the balls of his heels.

"**_And _I'm_ Liz!_**" the girl said hyperly, bouncing just as fast.

* * *

Stagehands came dashing out from stage left **_and_** right, lugging in canisters of sugar and coffee. 

Tony and Liz stood on step stools that had appeared, as if by magic, next to Touya's.

One was undera coffee chuteand the other was undera sugar chute that the stage crew had set up in a matter of seconds.

"**_Time_ _for Sugar and Coffee!_**" Both shouted in unison.

They turned the levers and guzzled down whatever they were under.

They got off and switched.

When they were finished they pushed Touya under the coffee.

They grasped the lever together and jerked it down.

* * *

Despite himself, Touya devoured _**all** _of the coffee from the chute. 

"**_Now _there's_ a guy I'd enjoy being around!_**" Tony whooped.

"**_Ya got _that _right, Tony!_**" Liz laughed.

"**_Time ta switch!"_** Tony and Liz screeched, shoving Touya under the sugar chute.

Against all odds, he ate it all again.

His pupils grew to the size of two pennies…

…then to the size of dinner plates.

"**MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEE!**" Touya screeched.

_"Touya…I've made him a caffeine addict! Ha ha!"_

More stagehands brought out canisters of Sugar and Coffee for everyone onstage.

Tony, Liz and Touya screamed with excitement and ate _all _of both the Sugar and Coffee.

"_Now you know…Touya!"

* * *

_

No one could hear Shinigami, tho'.

Liz, Touya and Tony were screaming too loudly.

Touya looked into the audience and smiled seductively.

"**_Ooooooooooh _Blaaaaaaannnnnnkeeyyyy!**"

He dove into the audience after the electric bedspread.

"**GWAAH!**" Blankey shrieked.

He bolted in the opposite direction Touya was coming.

The M.I.W.'s bolted on the Stage.

One grabbed Touya's arms while another did the needle thing.

"Time to go to the cage Tou-ya!" One sang.

"**_SUGAR!_**" Touya shouted, tranquilizer taking its time in working.

"**_Don'tforgetabout_COFFEE!**" Liz and Tony screamed in pleasure as they were straight-jacketed and hauled off by more of the M.I.W.'s.

"**_SUGARANDCOFFEE_**….**SPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Touya squealed, running around in circles inside his cage.

* * *

(A/M: Who'll be victimized next? R&R!) 


	8. Muffins and Monks

(A/N: Hey all! Heeeeeere's the next chappie!)

* * *

"_La! La! La-laaa-la-la!"_ Shinigami Goumon sang blissfully, doing a little dance in her office chair. 

In her infinite mercy, she had decided to send her assistants Touda and Koyori on a much needed vacation to the Makai.

But back to the task at hand!

Prey…

Prey…

Must find the stool some prey-**AH-_HAA!_**

Founnnnd youuuuuu!

* * *

"_**Our next contestant isssss**_…**AZMARIA HENDRIC! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**" 

A little girl of about twelve walked carefully down the stairs.

She looked nervous.

And rightfully so.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Azmaria…she's the Devil's spawn!"_

"**Wh-WHAT?**" Azmaria cried, "**I most** **_CERTAINLY_** **am** **NOT!** **I'm an** _**APOSTLE!**_ **How could I be-!**"

"_Hey, Rosette…how didja manage to miss that!"_

"I…I have know idea…" Rosette mumbled.

"Ya know…I did think it was a little weird all those demons always seemed to know where we were." Chrono mused aloud.

"**_WHAT?_**" Azmaria cried, unable to believe what she was hearing, "**DON'T _TELL_ ME YOU _BELIEVE_ HER!**"

"_Do you reeeeeeeeeeeeally expect'm ta believe YOU, Rat Eyes?"_

"**_RAT EYES?_**" Azmaria shrieked.

"_Hey Azmaria? Does this sound familiar? Hail Satan! Woot!"_

"**I AM _NOT_ DEVILS SPAWN!**" Azmaria shrieked, stamping her feet childishly.

* * *

"_Azmaria…she pals around with the Antichrist Animals from South Park!"_

"**What part of _'I'm An Apostle'_ are you not getting?**" Azmaria cried.

"_Oh Azmaria! The Convent had such high hopes for you! How could you do this to them!"_

"**Why aren't you listening to me?**" The twelve year old cried, "**I'M _NOT_ THE DEVIL'S _SPAWN!_ NOT _NOW_ OR _EVER!_**"

"_Keep telling yourself that!"_

"**IT'S TRUE!**" Azmaria shrieked.

"_Poor kid…delusional!"

* * *

_

"_Azmaria…she's tried to break Rosette's watch on more than ten separate occasions!"_

"**YOU _TRIED_ TO _WHAT?_**" Rosette screamed leaping out of her seat.

"I'll fuckin' **_KILL YOU_, DEMON BITCH!**" Chrono snarled, storming down the stairs after Azmaria.

Azmaria screamed and ran from the pair, invoking her Satanic Powers to summon up the Antichrist Animals from South Park, who began fighting alongside the twelve year old, who was now laughing insanely.

"_SEE? SEE? TOLDJA SO!" _

"_Now you know…Azmaria!"

* * *

_

Shinigami Goumon laughed her ass off in the booth as the M.I.W.'s began their special work.

She knew that she would get hate mail from more than one Holy Roller, but she would retaliate in her usual fashion: send a dump truck of demon shit to their home address and dump it on their from porch.

Shinigami had never cared much for religion.

She knew that there was **SOMETHING** out there…but, at the moment, why worry about?

Goumon had **_BIGGER_** fish to fry.

She had already spotted a lecher in monk's clothing groping a demon slayer as she thumped him repeatedly over the head with a king-sized boomerang.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_**…**MIROKU! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**" 

The holy man amble casually down the stairs, groping several women as he went.

He sat down unceremoniously on the stool and waited with a look of indifference on his face as he awaited his roasting.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Miroku…he thinks that Sango's a skanky whore!"_

"Whuh-what?" Miroku stammered, looking for the voice's source, "No I **DON'T!**"

"That had better be a **_LIE_, MONK!**" Sango snarled, rising to her feet, grip on her Hiraikotsu exceedingly tight.

"_Oh, but Sango, it's NOT a lie! Don't you know how he lies awake at night, plotting all the ways he could take revenge on you for your loose ways?"_

"**No I _DON'T!_**" Miroku cried, narrowly avoiding the giant boomerang, "**It's ALL a LIE!**"

"_Surrrrrrrrrrrrre it is…and I'M dating Inuzuka Kiba!"

* * *

_

"_Miroku…he's screwing Myouga!"_

"**_WHAAAAAAAAAT?_**" Miroku shrieked, dodging the Hiraikotsu again, "**HOLD-THE-PHONE!**"

"**_The fluh-_THE FLEA?**" Sango screamed, preparing to strike again, "**OF _ALL_ THE PEOPLE YOU _FUCK _AROUND WITH YOU'RE _SCREWING_ THE _FUCKING FLEA?_**"

"_I know. Sick huh? Musta been hard on poor Myouga's ass!"_

"**NOW YOU _WAIT_ JUST A _MINUTE!_**" Miroku shouted, leaping away from the oversized weapon again as it aimed for his family jewels. "**THE SHEER _MECHANICS_ OF THAT ARE-!**"

"_Hard to think about. We know."_

"**HOLD _ON_ A MINUTE!**" Miroku hollered, the Hiraikotsu grazing his ear.

* * *

"_Miroku…he's cheating on Myouga with Rin!"_

Sesshomaru stood up and strode down the stairs, eyes glowing demonically.

Sango was hot on his heels.

"**Wuh_-WAIT A MINUTE!_**" Miroku shrieked as they closed in on him.

"_Miroku…he's a BI PEDOPHILE! EWWWW!"_

Miroku hopped out off the stool and began to run.

But with a demon and a demon slayer on his heels?

He isn't getting far.

"_Now you know…Miroku!"

* * *

_

Shinigami Goumon snickered as she watched Sesshoumaru and Sango, punch, kick, gore and otherwise maim the monk until the timely arrival of the M.I.W.'s sent the two of them (pumped to the gills with tranquilizers) back to their seats.

Miroku was left where he was.

Some random fangirls carried him off.

Shinigami absentmindedly reached for one of her chocolate muffins.

She brought to her lips.

She chomped down on her fingers.

In quite a bit of pain, she looked down in horror to see every last one of her muffins was gone again.

Stolen.

Goumon's eyes scanned the audience, and targeted a likely candidate.

* * *

"**_Our next casualty issss_**…**MINAMINO KURAMA! _GETCHER ASS DOWN HERE, RED!_**" 

Startled at the harshness of the usually cheery Disembodied Voice, the green eyed boy walked to the stool and sat down, looking more than slightly confused.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Kurama…he's a nasty whore who stole my muffins! Give'm back you assmaster!"_

"I…I beg your pardon?" Kurama asked politely, clearly startled at being accused.

"_Don't think I don't know your rep! GIMME BACK MY MUFFINS OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"

* * *

_

Kurama's eyes widened at the threat.

He'd seen what had happened to people who had incurred The Voice's wrath before.

But he was totally innocent…for once.

"Um, I didn't steal your muffins." Kurama said tentatively.

"_LIAR!" _

His eyes shot across the audience looking for some plausible scapegoat.

He found one.

"But I know who did." Kurama said calmly, "He did."

He pointed directly at Akimichi Chouji, who was currently downing the last of Shinigami's chocolate muffins.

In her booth, Goumon slammed a thumb down on that poisonous green button again.

Chouji's body wiggled like a Bumble Ball before coming to a stop.

* * *

"_Alright…now…back to-what I was doing."_

"Huh?" Kurama sputtered.

He assumed that by locating The Voice's muffin's he'd be free to go.

He assumed wrong.

"_Kurama…is a world renown fox hunter by the name of Remy Bigglesby!"_

"Fox hunte-**_FOX HUNTER?_**" Kurama cried.

"_Ahhhhhh…I betcha just looovve the smell of fresh fox skins in the morning!"_

"I most certainly do **NOT!**" Kurama shouted.

"_And that smell of gunpowder? UH! Fantastic!"_

"Um-**_NOOOOOOO!_**" Kurama cried.

"_Not to mention I've heard the meat can be quite tasty!"_

"**I _DARE_ YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!**" Kurama roared.

* * *

"_Kurama…he's been doing a very poor job of hiding the fact he's a girl for the past eighteen years!"_

"**_WHAT?_**" Kurama yelled, "**I'M NOT A _GIRL!_ I'M A _BOY!_ B-O-Y! _BOY!_**"

"_So nice to know you can spell, Kurama. Trying to compensate for your poor disguise skills?"_

"**How many time must I _SAY_ IT!**" Kurama shrieked, "**I'M-_NOT_-A-_GIRL!_**"

"_Really? You sure are acting like one!"_

"You **meanie!**" Kurama bawled, "**I'm tellin' _Hiei!_ Then he'll _find you_ and kick your _ass!_**"

"_Sure he will, doll face."_

"_Now you know…Kurama!"_

_

* * *

_

(A/N: Who's next? R&R!)


	9. Don't Sneak Into MY SHOW! & Shrimpboats!

(A/M: Hey all! Shinigami Goumon here! Thanks for your patience all! Without further adieu, here's the next chapter!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon was happy again, spinning in her office chair, scarfing down chocolate muffin after chocolate muffin. 

As she whirled around, one had to wonder: How was she not getting sick?

From in the audience, several of the Sailor Senshi could be heard puking their guts out.

There's your answer.

Shinigami stopped spinning a moment to pinpointher next target.

A relatively easy task with so many targets.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant isss_**...**HAYATE!_ COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The Leafe' Knight of Wind flew down gracefully and settled down on the stool of his most certaindoom.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Hayate…he thinks that the way Hajime wears his hair is HAWT!"_

"No I **don't!** Now that Tanaka on the other hand…" Hayate trailed off, thinking about only God knows what.

God looked down upon the studio, the Buddha, Colonel Sanders and Spongebob Squarepants surrounding him, and shuddered.

"I **_DO_** know what and sir? You are **DEFINITELY** going to hell." God choked.

"**_That's_** for sure." The Buddha nodded, shivering with disgust.

"Keep the popcorn chicken comin', Colonel!" Spongebob barked.

Colonel Sanders began lobbing chicken bits into Spongebob's mouth.

* * *

Back on earth, the Leafe' Knight were seriously freaking out. 

"**EEEWW!**" Mannen shrieked.

"Oh **_SICK!_**" Goh wretched.

"**DEEEE-_SGUSTING!_**" Hajime cried.

"Oh…ulgh…I think I'm gonna-!" Kei didn't finish his sentence because he collapsed to his knees vomiting.

"How could you **be** so revolting?" Sasame asked, feeling bile rise up in his throat

"Hayate that is **_SOOO_** gross!" Himeno gagged.

"What?" Tanaka shrugged, bald head gleaming, "Don't hate th' playah! Hate th' game!"

* * *

_"Hayate…he wishes nothing more than for the Princess of Disaster to rip Himeno's head off."_

"I do **NOT!** I want to rip the Princess of **_DISASTER'S_** head off!" Hayate said stubbornly,

"**Hayate!** You **_ASSHOLE!_ THAT'S MY _MOTHER_ YOU BITCH!**" Mawata shrieked.

"Hey, can't deny what I feel babes. Sorry!" Hayate shrugged.

"I cannot believe you're such an ASS!" Himeno snarled.

_"Buh-lieve it, Tulip Head!"_

"Who asked you!" Mannen growled.

* * *

_"Hayate…his not so secret hobby is going to Otaku Con's with me!"_

"He he he he…" Hayate chuckled nervously.

"Hayate…that is sooo…lame." Kei sighed, casting his eyes at the floor.

_"You better watch yo mouth Kei before I zap ya good!"_

"**YEEP!**" Kei squeaked.

_"See ya at Yatta Con, Tama-bay-beh!"_

"Can't wait!" Hayate grinned.

"You cosplay as that prick?" Goh cried, "Figures!"

"Whaddid you call me?" Tamahome snarled.

"**YOU _HEARD_ ME!**" Goh shouted back.

"Meet me behind the studio, Fire Bug!" Tamahome growled.

"Yer on, Ghost Boy!" Goh sneered.

_"Now you know…Hayate!"_

* * *

In her booth, Shinigami had spotted a group that **_reeeeeeeally_** didn't belong in her audience. 

How they had slipped by security was no mystery.

They looked enough like anime to slip by.

But still, she knew her Ameri-me when she saw it.

And she was gonna make the ugliest prick of the bunch pay for their stupidity.

* * *

"**_The next fodder to be tossed to the stool isss_**…**FIRE LORD OZAI! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The Ameri-me cretin marched confidently to his doom without even realizing it.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Fire Lord Ozai…his real name is Princess Puffy Pants!"_

"**HOW _DARE _YOU! I'LL _BURN_ YOU TO _ASHES!_**" Ozai roared, shooting flames everywhere.

_"Now, now your highness, that's no way for a Princess to comport herself!"_

"**I'M _NOT_ A _PRINCESS!_**" Ozai shouted, "**I AM _LORD_ OF THE _FIRE NATION!_ SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL _BURN YOU_ TO YOUR _BONE MARROW!_**"

_"You'd hafta find me first…Princess."_

"**RRRRRR-_RRRRR!_**" Ozai snarled, shooting fire out of his nostrils.

_"Princess Puffy Pants_…- 

"**MY NAME IS _NOT_ PUFFY PANTS! _NOR_ AM I A_ PRINCESS!_**" Ozai shouted, flames erupting from his body, licking at the camera men, who were well prepared for these situations after the Puu incident and now wore fire proof suits.

…_his best friend is a unicorn named Daisy P. Sugarblossom!"_

"I would _**NEVER**_ befriend such a loathsome creature!" Ozai snarled, covering the floor with cinders as he seethed in silent rage.

_"Awww…you shouldn't talk like that! You'll hurt Daisy's feelings!"_

"**THERE _IS_-NO-_DAISY!_**" Ozai bellowed, shooting flames so far across the room that even Zuko had to duck.

_"If you keep talking like that, Daisy will stop being your friend and run off to join Kattara and Aang, Stupid-Head!"_

"Like I even care, and I'm **_NOT_ A _STUPID-HEAD!_**" Ozai thundered.

_"Princess Puffy Pants_…- 

"Will you **STOP _THAT?_**" Ozai growled, massaging his temple.

…_he likes to shove balloons in his shirt and scream, "FIFTEEN MORE YEARS TIL I CAN AFFORD THOSE IMPLANTS!""_

"**FATHER!**" Zuko shouted leaping to his feet, "**YOU'RE A _DISGRACE!_**"

"**IT'S _NOT TRUE!_**" Ozai shrieked in a panic.

_"Chyeah right! Tell me another one, Puffy Pants!"_

"**IT _ISN'T _YOU LYING _WENCH!_**" Ozai-koff-excuse me, Princess Puffy pants screamed, shooting fire every which way.

_"Now you know…Princess Puffy Pants!"_

"**IT'S FIRE LORD _OZAI_ DAMMIT! WHEN I FIND_ YOU_, I SWEAR TA _GOD_ I'LL-!**" Ozai roared only to be interrupted by the Disembodied voice that was Shinigami Goumon.

_"Tut, tut, Princess! It's not polite to swear!"_

"**DAMN _YOUUUUUUUU!_**"

* * *

"_Hee hee! That'll teah'm for tryna sneak into my audience!_" Goumon smirked, spinning in her chair. 

She played the spinny-spinny-who's gonna-winny game to select her next victim-koff-contestant.

Shinigami flew off the chair and went**_-SPLAT-_**against the glass.

Through the one-way glass, Goumon spotted her next candidate.

And what a lovely candidate he was, too.

* * *

"**_Our next victim issss_**…**EDWARD ELRIC! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The rather cute, undersized (but perfectly proportioned) sixteen year old strode easily down the stars and sat down comfortably on the stool.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Ed…he absolutely loves it when people call him Shortstack!"_

"**WHADDID YOU _SAY?_ GET _DOWN_ HERE! I'LL _KICK_ YOUR _ASS!_**" Ed screamed, toppling the stool as he leapt to his feet, face contorted with rage.

_"See? Pipsqueak McDwarfmore just adores it when ya call'm microscopic! It's like a drug to him!"_

"**WHO'RE _YOU _CALLING _SHORT _YOU _BITCH?_**" Ed roared, looking for the source of the insults, "**I _DARE_ YOU TA COME DOWN _HERE_ AND SAY THAT!**"

_"HOKIE-DOKIE-ARTICHOKIE!"_

* * *

"What the hell?" Yusuke muttered. 

"No fuckin' way." Kakashi shook his head in disbelief.

"She's leaving her booth?" Sakura wondered.

A door opened to the left of the seats and for the first time Shinigami Goumon showed herself.

She had copper colored hair that hit her shoulder blades.

The shortest portion of her bangs hit the hinge of her jawbone (located by the ears) and fell into her eyes stylishly.

Golden brown eyes (more gold than brown) stared out behind those bangs and had a rather malicious light in them.

She wore a baggy black shirt that read, "DO NOT DISTURB! disturbed enough already!", baggy black jeans with tons of chains, spiked black chokers, black sex bracelets and finger armor on every other finger.

She was five foot seven (teetering on five foot eight) and really didn't look all that terrifying.

In fact, she looked, all in all, pretty average.

Like a background chara.

* * *

"You're…the disembodied voice?" Ed asked in disbelief. 

"_You got it, Oompa Loompa McShrimpinstein!_" she grinned, revealing a set of longer than normal, rather pointed of K-9's.

"**WHADDID YOU CALL ME!**" Ed roared.

"_You heard me, Mini Me!_" Shinigami smirked.

"**YOU'RE _DEAD!_**" Ed bellowed, clapping his hands together, then slamming them into the earth.

The tidal wave of granite shot towards the hostess, who simply looked at it with a huge foxish grin on her face as it bounced off a rather impressive shield.

"**WHAT TH' _HELL?_**" Ed cried as his spell shot at the wall over his head.

"**BROTHER!**" Al cried.

* * *

"_Remind me ta thank Yuuko for that one!_" Goumon smirked, leaning on one hip, finger armor gleaming. 

"Whaddidja do for it?" a stage hand inquired.

"_Nuttin' much._" Shinigami Goumon shrugged, "_Just set her up with some new drinkin' buddies!_"

_**-With Yuuko-**_

"Izzat all-hic!- yew got?" Yuuko slurred, filling up another glass.

"Shyeah ri-hic-right Shiela." Chuu burped, snatching it from her.

"Bring ih-hic-bring ih on!" Hatsuho smiled sloppily.

* * *

"_Now then, Ed…he absolutely adores milk and drinks it straight from the cow!_" Shinigami grinned. 

"For the last goddamn time, **I _HATE_ MILK!**" Ed shrieked.

"_Ah, his unwavering devotion for milk!_" Goumon sobbed, crocodile tears streaming down her face, "_IT'S SO INSPIRING!_"

"**I _HATE_ MILK _ALMOST_ AS MUCH AS I _HATE_ YOU _BITCH!_**" Ed screamed.

"_It makes me wanna sing!_" Shinigami Goumon cried, "_It makes ME! Your hostess, wanna write a song, of and about milk, just for Ed! His love is that inspiring!_"

"**DON'T YOU _DARE-!_**" Ed didn't get the words out because Shinigami burst into song.

(sung to the tune of **Comet**)

"_MI-LK!_" Goumon sang, deliberately off key, "_YOU'LL DRINK IT ALL-DAY-LONG! MI-LK! IT MAKES YOUR BONES-GROW-STRONG! MI-LK! SO SOFT LIKE SI-LK! SO GETCHER MI-LK! LIKE SI-LK TO-DAAYYEE!_"

"**I'M GONNA _KILL YOU!_**" Ed roared.

"_Now you know…Ed!_" Shinigami Goumon grinned, "_Ohhhh boys? Take care of him!_"

The M.I.W.'s charged the stage and hauled Ed off, Al clanking after him.

"_Hee hee hee!_" Shinigami laughed walking back up to her booth, "_Anyone else wanna take me on?_"

There was an audience wide head shake; no.

"_Thought not!_" Goumon snickered disappearing into her booth again, locking the door behind her.

* * *

Such fun! 

Such fun!

Who will be thenext one?

* * *

(A/N: Who's next? R&R!) 


	10. The Field Correspondent

(A/N: **_HEYAS!_** Got another flame! **DAT MAKES _TWO!_** ...sniff...**_WHADD'M I DOING WRONNNG?_** Anyhoo, here's the next chapter! In it, I'm trying something new with a friend of mine. she's going to be my "Field Basher" hehehe... **READ ON!**)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon downed a slurpee, vaguely wondering how Touda and Koyori we're doing. 

Gods, she missed them.

Not having someone on hand to torment really sucked some of the joy out of life.

In the Makai, Touda and Koyori were fleeing a titanic lizard youkai.

Some vacation.

"_Oh wellll_…_back to work._" Shinigami sighed.

She redirected her gaze out at her studio audience and pinpointed her next target.

* * *

"**_Our next casualty isss_…JURAI SASAMI! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The optimistic ten (koff-eight hundred-koff) year old hopped down the stairs, totally oblivious as to what was about to happen.

The poor dear.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Sasami…she's secretly more conniving than Ryoko and Ayeka combined in her attempts to win Tenchi's heart!"_

"**Wh-what?**" Sasami cried, turning bright red, "**No I'm _not!_**"

"How **DARE** you say such things about my sister!" Ayeka shrieked.

"She maybe a shrimpy little squirt, but she would never-!" Ryoko was interrupted by The Voice.

"_So it WASN'T Sasami who dumped entire bottles of wasabi into your miso?"_

"No, that was Ryoko!" Ayeka protested as Sasami slunk off the stool.

"No, that was Aye…ka…" Ryoko trailed off.

* * *

The pair looked at Sasami, who was currently trying to escape. 

"_Wheredya think YOU'RE goin'?"_

The mechanical hands from chapters and shot out of nowhere and dragged the Jurian girl back to the hot seat.

The manacle shot out of the stool and clamped around her thighs.

"_There we are! Comfy?"_

"**RRGH! _NK!_ -hff-hff- _N-NO!_**" Sasami cried, thrashing around wildly, "**Let! Me! _GO-OH!_**"

"_Now why would I do that? This is ever so much fun!"_

"**_For _YOU!**" Sasami shrieked.

"_UH-DUUUUUUHHHHHHH!"

* * *

_

"_Sasami…she's enjoys randomly assaulting the elderly!"_

"**Sa-_SAMI!_**" Yosho cried from the audience.

"D-don't **believe** her!" Sasami begged.

"_How awful! Some o' my closest peeps are old people!"_

"**I _don't _attack the _elderly!_**" Sasami yelled.

"_After all, they give ya candy and pie! I LIKE pie!"_

"I'm beginning to question your sanity!" Sasami shivered.

_"Now you know…Sasami! Now GET OFF MY STOOL, GRANDMA BEATER!"_

The manacle opened and Sasami was launched headfirst through the ceiling, joining Son Goku somewhere in Calcutta.

* * *

A huge T.V. screen, that took upan entire wall, suddenly slid down from out of nowhere and the stool vanished. 

The audience, rightfully so, was very confused.

In her booth, Shinigami Goumon chewed on one of her many muffins.

Now was the perfect oppurtunity to try out that newest applicant for the Field Basher opening.

Poor Ao.

She was gonna miss him.

* * *

"**_And now, for our Field Correspondent,_ HeartofDragon! _Live from Dragon City! HeartofDragon?_**" 

_-blp-_

A tall youkai blipped onto the big screen.

She had blood red hair, and a set of mismatched eyes: one yellow and one wolfish blue, and a mike in her taloned hand.

Currently, she had enough Mountain Dew AMP surging through her veins to give the Mazoku a quadruple bypass.

"**_Hey out there all you happy Know Your Stars fans!_**" A peppy youkai whooped, "**_I'm HeartofDragon! Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL field correspondent! I'll roast anything and everything the boss tells me too! Including ordinary cartoons! But not often…they're too easy...hmmm..._**"

She trailed off.

Apparently, she does that sometimes.

* * *

From the studio, Shinigami Goumon sighed and pressed a small yellow button above the poisonous green one on the control panel. 

There was a loud whistling sound and a large cinder block collided with HeartofDragon's head.

"_The bashing, HeartofDragon._" Shinigami Goumon smiled.

"_**Oh right!**_" HeartofDragon said quickly, the head trauma snapping her out of her daze.

Not even slightly embarrassed HeartofDragon continued right where she left off.

"_**Today we're gonna roast some dip from the Dragon Booster Team!**_" she grinned, "_**Only they don't know it yet! We're gonna surprise them! But we are making a racket…maybe they know we're here already... and who are we gonna roast? You know, I'm gettin' hungry...**_"

A lightning bolt struck HeartofDragon from out of nowhere.

Back in the studio, Shinigami, thumb whitening as it depressed against the green button, screamed, "_GET ON WITH IT, YOU DIPSTICK!_"

"_**Ahwhoops... eheheh moving on.**_" HeartofDragon giggled nervously, brushing off the layer of ash.

"_Don't forget, you flunk_ _here, you don't get ta be a full time member of my crew!_" Goumon snapped.

"Oh yeah…**_THAT'D_** be just tragic." Yusuke snorted.

Shinigami Goumon smirked at him from behind the one way glass and pressed the yellow button on the control panel again.

A good-sized anvil crashed into his skull.

* * *

The youkai reporter known as HeartofDragon easily chased down one of the members of the esteemed group and surprised him thoroughly 

"_**Hell-looooo!**_" She grinned toothily.

"Who the **HELL'RE** you?" yelped the young man next to a large green dragon.

"**_HIYA! I'm HeartofDragon!_**" the demoness grinned, "_**But you can just call me Crazy!**_"

"Whadd're you doin' here?" by now the rest of the group had been attracted to the commotion.

"**_Well esteemed sir's and madam, I am the field correspondent for a show called Know Your Stars:FREE FOR ALL, and today, our focus is YOU!_**" HeartofDragon said, jabbing a finger at them with her free hand.

"**SWEET!**" yelled the enthusiastic group, having no idea what it meant.

HeartofDragon snickered quietly in delight.

Back in the studio, Shinigami Goumon rubbed her hands together, cackling evilly.

* * *

The audience began to write out get well cards for the poor dopes. 

"**_Since I saw you first, Parmon, you're our vict...err contestant for the day!_**" HeartofDragon corrected herself quickly, "_**Here's your stool!**_"

HeartofDragon's lacky, Sparky (we still don't know why the hell she calls him that; his name is Loki) quickly put the stool in place.

Lights flashed around him as the roasting began.

"**_Hello viewers! Hullo Boss Lady!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, "**_We're reaaaaaadyyyyy!_**"

She took a deep breath, and smiled slyly as she began.

* * *

"_**Know Your Stars! Know Yours Stars! Know Your Stars!**_" 

"**_Parmesan...-_**" HeartofDragon began, only to be interrupted by Parmon.

"Its Par-mon Sean." He growled.

"_**That's what I**_ **SAID!** **_PAR_-ME-_SAN!_** **_Don't interrupt me!...he can be crumbled up and put on pizza!_**" HeartofDragon continued, biiiig grin on her face.

"**ITS PAR-_MON_ SEAN! _NOT_ PAR-_ME_-SAN!**" Parmon shouted.

"**_Oh surrrre! That' what you SAY, but the mice think differently!_**" HeartofDragon said matter-of-factly.

"**I AM _NOT_ CHEESE!**" Parmon cried in frustration.

"**_Awww…is cheesy cheesed? Too bad!_**" HeartofDragon grinned hugely.

* * *

"**_Parmesan…his boyfriend is the Stinky Cheese Man! Whom he fantasizes about every day!_**" HeartofDragon smirked into her mike. 

"I do **NOT** have a boyfriend! Imma **_GUY!_**" Parmon cried in disgust.

"**_It's called Yaoi! Ever heard of it?_**" HeartofDragon snickered.

"You…are one sick...twisted, woman." Parmon said, face twisted in disgust, "I can see how you would work for Shinigami Goumon. Besides, even if I did have a boyfriend, which I **DON'T** by th' way, it wouldn't be a hunk of Stinky Cheese!"

"Ohhh Parm! I didn't know you swung that way!" Kitt giggled from Wyldfyr's back

"Ahh **_GAWD!_**" Parmon groaned, "Don't tell me your fallin' for this?"

"Your little secret is revealed!" she cooed to the bewildered genius.

"I'm **NOT** gay!" Parmon cried, "And I don't have **_ANY_** relationship with **ANY** kind of cheese!"

"**_Tell THAT to the Stinky Cheese Man!_**" HeartofDragon sneered.

Somewhere off in the distance they heard sobbing.

"Why, Parmesan? **_WHY?_** Am I not **good** enough for you? **_WAAAAAAAAAA_HAAAHAAAHAAAAA!"**

"Ehhhh…heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…" he chuckled nervously, starting to sweat.

* * *

"**_Parmesan…goes commando in his racing uniform!_**" HeartofDragon laughed. 

Back at the studio, Shinigami nearly choked to death on a chocolate muffin she was laughing so hard.

"**_EEEWWWWWWWW_ PA-ARM!**" Artha gasped.

Cyrano just looked disgusted

"I do **NOT**…usually..." he trailed off.

"**_Ooo…someone needs to clean his suit._**" HeartofDragon snickered.

"_**Parmesan…takes naughty photos of Cyrano when he's sleeping and sells them on e-Bay!**_" HeartofDragon grinned.

"I d-do not!" Parmon paled, turning the color of day old oatmeal.

"_**Sure ya do!**_" HeartofDragon snickered, "**_And I have the proof ta back it all up! Oh BOSS!_**"

Shinigami Goumon popped out of a vortex in the sky, a handful of X-rated photographs in her hand as well as an e-Bay receipt.

"_Whaddya call these?_" Shinigami drawled, "_Fish paste?_"

Cyrano started growling at Parmon and the others looked disgusted.

* * *

"_I'm headin' back to th' studio._" Shinigami said, flashing her pointed K-9's as Cyrano launched his attack, "_Chouji and Gohan got wind of where my food storage lockers are, so things are getting ugly._" 

Goumon snapped her fingers and disappeared back into the vortex (courtesy of Yuuko)

"**_Awww! Wouldja lookat that? We're out of time!_**" HeartofDragon groaned in annoyance as the battle raged around her, "**_And I didn't even get ta blast the rest of them! Hoooo well…til next time_**!"

"**AAAAAAAAUGH!"**

_**-SLAM-**_

_**-BMM-**_

_**-KRSSH-**_

_**-WHMM-**_

"**_Ooo! That's gonna hurt tomorrow!_**" the demoness laughed, "**_Bye for nah...wow, I didn't think the human spine could bend that way..._**"

The screen went blank and slid upwards into the ceiling.

* * *

Back in Shinigami Goumon's booth, HeartofDragon waited with anticipation. 

The hostess re-entered the room through a hidden door, covered in blood and holding what appeared to be an arm.

"**_So did I pass? Did I pass? Did I? Did I? Did I?_**" the demoness squealed as the (human?) teen cleaned herself off.

"_Yup!_" Shinigami grinned, flashing those creepily long K-9's again (could she be related to Hibiki Ryouga or perhaps Shido Tatsuhiko in someway?), "_Welcome aboard!_"

"_**Hooray!**_" HeartofDragon whooped.

"_The vacation benefits suck, but you'll get great health and dental!_" Goumon smirked, "_Plus full coverage for your funeral!_"

"_**Wowies!**_" HeartofDragon grinned.

"_We'll call ya when we needja, 'kay?_" Shinigami said, "_Could be in the middle of lunch, in the middle of the night, could even be in the middle of takin' a shit or havin' sex, so be ready ta go!_"

"**_Yes ma'am!_**" HeartofDragon saluted.

* * *

Shinigami Goumon was within an inch of HeartofDragon's nose in the space it take to blink. 

"_Miss._" Goumon growled, "_I. Am. NOT. A. Ma'am. My GRANDMOTHERS are ma'am's. MA'AM'S are old ladies! Do I LOOK like an old lady to you?_"

"_**No ma-miss!**_" HeartofDragon corrected herself quickly, biiiiiigg smile on her face.

"_Smart answer._" Shinigami grinned, "_Now help me pick out the next victims!_"

"**_OKIEDOKEY!_**" HearofDragon smiled, looking around frantically, "_**Howabout the claypot and the moron fighting over the Dog Boy?**_"

"_I_ _KNEW_ _I MADE A GOOD CHOICE!_" Goumon squealed, glomping her new correspondent.

"**_GLAD TA BE OF SERVICE, BOSS LADY!_**" HeartofDragon cried.

* * *

(A/N: For once in my life, **I KNOW WHO I'M BASHING AHEAD OF TIME! _IT'S A MIRACLE!_** Don't let that stop you from making suggestions tho'! R&R!) 


	11. Nuthin' But Inu!

(A/N: Heya! Shinigami Goumon here! Lets get on with the bashing!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon wasn't gonna waste anytime. 

Thanks to her new field correspondent, HeartofDragon, she had her victims all lined up.

Just like bowling pins!

And she got the entertaining job of the bowling ball!

"_Hee hee!_" Shinigami laughed, "_I love this job!_"

* * *

"**_Our next fatality issss_**…**HIGURASHI KAGOME! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The time traveling teen tripped down the stairs, making her way easily to the stool.

Oh this was gonna be fun.

_**SOOOOO**_ much fun!

**_OOO!_ JOY-GASM!**

* * *

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!" _

_"Kagome…she believes she was born a man!"_

The distinct sound of Kouga gagging was heard emanating from somewhere in the audience.

"**_WHAAAA!_** Oh **_NO YOU DIDN'T!_**" Kagome growled.

_"Just admit it to yourself, Kagome! You're-a-girl! G-I-R-L!"_

"Well, **DUUH-UUHHHH!**" Kagome cried exasperatedly, "Whaddya call **_THEE-EESE?_**"

She grabbed her knockers and jiggled them a little.

Muten Roshi got a nosebleed and had to be rushed to the emergency room.

_"A BREAK THROUGH! It's a MIRACLE!"_

"…you're a dumbass." Kagome grumbled.

* * *

In her booth, Goumon pressed a little pink button. 

Kagome's body was suddenly covered in gigantic, painful, pus spewing pimples.

_"Mind repeating that, sweety? I'm a little hard of hearing."_

"No ma'am." Kagome squeaked.

In her booth, Shinigami pressed a little purple button.

An obviously poisonous snake appeared inches away from the poor girl.

_"MISS! I. AM. NOT. OLD! Do I SOUND old to you?"_

"**HEEEEEEP! NO MA-I MEAN _MISS!_**" Kagome squealed as the snake hissed at her.

The snake and pus spewing zits disappeared.

"_I thought not!"

* * *

_

_"Kagome…she disillusioned herself to believing her name was really Taterchip Stottlemeyer!"_

"**HAHAHAHA!_ T-T-TATERCHIP STOTTLEMEYER?_**" Inuyasha choked out.

"**_SHADDUP _DOGBOY** and I did **_NOT!_**" Kagome howled.

_"Tut, tut,tut, Kagome! Living in denial isn't healthy!"_

"I'm not living in **denial!**" Kagome snarled.

"_Sure you are! I just got that post card you sent me from Cairo!"_

"Cairuh-**I _DON'T_ LIVE IN _EGYPT!_**" Kagome screamed.

_"Kagome…she likes to run around naked in the night and leer in boy's windows!"_

There was a noise that resembled Miroku snorting with laughter.

"I do **_NOT!_** 'ts **_NOT TRUE! NOT! NOT!_** **_NOT!_**" Kagome bawled.

_"Hey Inuyasha? Whaddif I toldja she was lookin' in Hojo's window?"_

"You did WHAT?" Kouga, Akitoki and Inuyasha cried.

"**DON'T _BELIEVE_ HER!**" Kagome begged.

* * *

_"Kagome…she had a three way with Kinky-ho-koff-sorry, Kikyo and Kagura when she was drunk…oops sorry! Typo here! When she was sober!"_

"**EW_EW_EW_EW_EW! I DID _NOT!_**" Kagome shrieked.

"**NO WAY IN _HELL_ I WOULD _EVER _TOUCH _THAT _BITCH!**" Kikyo shrieked.

"Hehehe! So you're swinging for the other team, huh?" Suzaku snickered from the audience.

"I do **_NOT!_**" Kagome screamed.

"I thought there was something a bit off about her!" Shunran giggled into her hand.

"**_WHYY_ ARE YOU _LISTENING _TO HER?**" Kagome bellowed.

_"Kagome…has been having a secret affair with Jaken!"_

"**LA-_LA_-LA-_LA_-LA! I-_AM_-NOT-_LIST_-EN-_ING!_ LA-_LA_-LA-_LA!_**" Kagome sang loudly, hands pressed against her ears.

"That-is-so-**_WRONNNNG!_**" Touran howled, digging her nails into the sides of her head as she covered her ears to block out the sound.

"**Ohh _sick!_**" Sesshomaru gagged, "He could do so much better'n that!"

"**_HEY!_**" Kagome snarled.

_"Why so mad? You picked him! Heh heh heh!"_

"**_I'M NOT HAVIN' AN AFFAIR WITH THAT DISGUSTING TOAD!_**" Kagome yelled.

"**YOU'D _BETTER_ NOT!**" Inuyasha, Kouga and Akitoki snarled.

"**I'M _NOT!_**" Kagome shouted.

_"Surrrrrre you're not."_

"**I'M NOT!**" Kagome roared.

* * *

_"Kagome…she wants to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner! That is what she truly wants to be!"_

"Oh, now **come on!**" Kagome said exasperatedly.

_"You know its true! Cuz if you were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, everyone would be in love with you! CUZ NOBODY LOVES YOU, Skanky McWhoresalot!"_

"**_HEY!_ THAT'S NOT TRUE!**" Kagome cried, "Lots of people love me! Momma, Grandpa, Sota-"

"_Did you hear me ask for your life story?"_

"**_RRRRRGH!_**" Kagome growled.

_"Kagome…she stole a fifty ton nuclear war head from the U.S. Government!"_

"…did not…" Kagome muttered, looking around furtively like a trapped rat.

_"Kagome…is about to be hauled of to Federal Prison!"_

"Wuh-**_wha?_**" Kagome stammered, before sneering, "How? We're not even **IN** the U.S. of A.!"

"_Easily remedied! Oh boys!" _(fingers snap and twenty Men In Black drop from the sky)

"**_AAAAAH!_** **OH NO!**" Kagome screamed making a run for it, only to be tackled by the M.I.B.'s (not to be confused with the M.I.W.'s) and dragged away.

_"Now you know…Kagome!"_

* * *

Shinigami Goumon spun around wildly in her office chair. 

"_WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_" she squealed.

That had been so much fun!

And she still had that pale, undead whore to rip on!

Life couldn't **GET** much better!

* * *

"_**Our next victim isssss**_…**KIKYO! _COME ONNNNN DOWN!_**" 

The living dead miko slithered silently to the stool and took a seat.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Kikyo…she works part time as a rodeo clown!"_

"I most certainly do not." Kikyo said huffily.

"_I always knew you we're evil, but not up there in Clownland evil."_

"Did you not hear me?" Kikyo said coolly, narrowing her eyes, "I…am **_not_**…a clown."

"_Exactly what a clown WOULD say! All the more proof, eh Chuckles?"_

"**I'M NOT A CLOWN!**" Kikyo shrieked.

"_Yes you are."_

"**NO I'M _NOT!_**" Kikyo yelled.

"_Yes you are."_

"**_NO_**…**I'M**…**_NOT!_**" Kikyo bellowed.

"_You're right."_

"Finally!" Kikyo smirked, looking very pleased with herself.

Shinigami Goumon pressed a happy little button embossed with Krusty the Clown's picture above the little pink button.

Kikyo suddenly found herself in full clown makeup, complete with costume, wig, floppy shoes and a barrel (remember! Rodeo clown!)

"_Brrrr…" _

"What?" Kikyo snapped.

Shingami grinned as she pressed a reflective button, causing a full length mirror to poof in front of the undead miko's face.

"_Now you are!"_

"**YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!**" Kikyo screamed, falling over sideways and rolling around clumsily, "**GEDDIT _OFF_ ME! _GET IT OFF ME!_**"

The undead miko ripped and tore until she was back in her regular robes.

Kikyo grabbed a shred of what once was the clown outfit and rubbed at the thick grease paint on her face.

* * *

"_Kikyo…-"_

"Silence!" Kikyo barked, smearing more grease off her face.

"_-her real name is Claypot Kinky-ho! And her current rate is one yen a blow!"_

"**WHAT?**" Kinky-ho shrieked.

"_Hey fellas! Get those yen coins ready!"_

Oolong had to be restrained by the M.I.W.'s as he made a mad dash for the stage.

"Why do you people **_BELIEVE_** her?" Kinky-ho cried.

"_Kinky-ho…-"_

"Now what?" Kinky-ho said exasperatedly.

"_-she thinks Shippo is a SEXEH BIATCH!"_

"No I **don't!**" Kikyo cried, "Although…" she trailed off, faraway look on her face, thinking only God knows what, "…now that you mention in that bow of his is pretty hot."

* * *

In the Heavens above… 

God's face twisted in disgust.

"Ulgh. I've said it once, I'll say it again." God said, "I **_DO_** know what, and you are **SOOO** goin' ta hell."

"Say hi ta Michael for me!" Spongebob grinned.

"_How did he create such freaks?_" the Buddha wondered.

Colonel Sanders munched on some of his popcorn chicken.

* * *

Back on Earth… 

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**" Shippo shrieked, "I had **ENOUGH** problems keepin' that sick fuck M.J. offa me! Now I hafta deal with **_HER?_** **HELLLL_ NO!_**"

"Hey, 'snot your fault God madeya so delicious!" Kinky-ho said, licking her lips, "Mm-mm-mm!"

"**EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!**" Souten screamed, "**YOU'RE _GROSS!_**"

"_Now you know…Kikyo!"_

_"Boys? Would you?"_

The M.I.W.'s stormed the stage stabbing the undead miko in the ass with the needle and hauling her off the stage as the giant T.V. screen appeared again.

* * *

"_**And now, here's field correspondent HeartofDragon! HeartofDragon?**_" 

The field correspondent reappeared on the screen.

"_**Yo there!**_" the red haired youkai female grinned, "**_And thank you Shinigami!_**"

For some reason they suddenly seemed like old friends.

The audience murmured, trying to figure it out as Goumon piped over the speakers.

"_I bet everyone's wonderin' why we're so buddy-buddy all of a sudden?_" Shinigami said,"_Well TOO BAD! I aint tellin' ya! Lets just say alotta drugs, sugar, caffeine and alcohol were involved!_"

The audience still muttered amongst themselves, still trying to figure it out when the image on the screen blared out-

"**_WOULD YOU SHUT UP SO I CAN GET GOING!_**"

It was loud enough to burst some eardrums and a loud, manic laugh was heard from the hostesses box.

* * *

"**_Jeez…stupid audience..._**" HeartofDragon mumbled, "**_Okay, can I get going now?_**" 

She seemed crankier than last time…and more maniacal.

"_**Okay we are bashing a potentially dangerous "star" today so you'll get to see my special new toy!**_" HeartofDragon grinned, sounding very pleased with herself.

Shinigami Goumon grew intrigued.

She hadn't planned this little event.

This new development was something she knew nothing about…buuuuut it sounded interesting.

The kind of interesting where lots of people get hurt….maybe a couple casualties here or there, so she allowed her new correspondent to continue.

* * *

HeartofDragon quickly approached a man with big spiky circles hanging off his back and a baboon cloak. 

She cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

"_**HI NARAKU!**_"

He nearly jumped out of his skin

"Who the devil are you?" Naraku growled, "And why would you approach me so candidly?"

"**_I'm HeartofDragon!_**" The youkai girl grinned toothily, "**_And I'm the field correspondent for Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL!_**"

"What in the world is that?" he said, irritated

"**_Youuu'll see!_**" HeartofDragon smirked.

She pulled a shiny black ball from out of her pocket and pushed an invisible button on it.

Everything went black and all of a sudden, Naraku was in a spot light.

"What the hell?" he lunged a spick tentacle that seemed to get zapped out of no where.

"_**Ah ah ah!**_" HeartofDragon tsk-ed, "_**No, no, no, little demon wannabe! That's…not gonna work here! This is my world! In my special new toy! In'nit just dandy? I call it my Warpy Ball of...uh…Reality…uhhh...Warpy...ness?...uh...I'm not good with names...**_"

She trailed off again.

"_**Well now!**_" HeartofDragon said firmly, clapping her hands together, "**_It's time to get started!_**"

* * *

"_**Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!**_" she began. 

"**_Naraku…he's a sissy prissy little girl and wears a tutu when no ones looking!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, looking oh-so-proud of herself.

"What!" Naraku snarled, "No I **DON'T** you _**BITCH!**_ Where **ARE YOU?** I'll **_KILL YOU!_**"

"**_Oh PLEASE! You can't even touch me!_**" she said, floating upside down in front of him.

"**_Naraku…he's a My Little Pony in disguise, and his favorite color is lilac!_**" HeartofDragon smirked.

"I am **NOT** a pony, and I don't like purple!" Naraku fumed, "My favorite color is red! Which is the color of blood! As in _**YOUR BLOOD!**_"

"**_Awww…you're not a pony? Well let me fix that!_**" she smiled.

* * *

HeartofDragon's reality bending sphere kicked into high gear. 

Naraku flashed, in the next instant he was a rather cute little purple pony, who's hooves flowed into his legs just like the toys.

"What…did you…do to me!" he asked in a trembling voice that was just barely containing his rage.

Back at the studio, Shinigami Goumon had fallen out of her office chair in a fit of laughter and was pounding the floor with her fist.

"**_I made you a pony! Didn't you want to be a pony?_**" HeartofDragon asked snidely.

"**FUCK _NO!_** I **HATE** ponies, and I**_HATE_** purple!" Naraku snarled.

"**_Okiedoke! I can fix that._**" She smiled.

* * *

There was another flash and Naraku was a pink elephant. 

"_**Now! Back to the bashing!**_" HeartofDragon smirked.

"**_Naraku…he's a-_**" the field correspondent barely got three words out when Naraku interrupted.

"**TURN ME BACK _NOW!_**" Naraku roared.

"**_Oooo, you're a rude one._**" She grumbled, started getting mad, "**_Ya know, Shinigami has buttons fer this, but I HAVE LEVERS!_**"

HeartofDragon reached over and pulled a blue lever.

A pool of wet concrete dumped on him from out of nowhere.

* * *

"_**See? I was almost done, but then you had to go and be rude.**_" HeartofDragon chided, "**_So now you have Qwikcrete on you._**" 

There was a slight twitch.

"**_I was gonna say Naraku…he's absolutely loves Inuyasha's cute little tush! and he wants to grope it every day!_**" she grinned.

"You... sick... bitch..." he said in a muffled voice from under the pool

"**_What was that?_**" HeartofDragon asked mildly, yanking the lever again.

A second pool fell on him.

"Irk." Naraku squeaked.

"**_Thats what I thought!_**" HeartofDragon smirked, "**_And by the way, I don't like being called bitch. It so degrading._**"

She was currently messing with a match, which she threw on the pile that was Naraku.

"**YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**" Naraku howled, running around, thrashing his arms wildly.

That last pool, apparently, had been filled with gasoline.

"**_Well that's all the time I have for today!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, "**_Now back to your hostess! Later!_**"

* * *

She waved to the camera sitting with her legs crossed and floating through the dark orb in front of the camera. 

Shinigami Goumon managed to pick herself off the floor.

HeartofDragon already had her next assignment, so she was off.

All that was left to do was to pinpoint her next target.

Who would it be?

Who…

Who?

Meanwhile, back in the U.S.A…

_**-SMAK!-**_

"**TALK!** Where did you hide the President's daughter, Red Hawk?" An M.I.B. demanded, tapping his revolver against his hip.

"**_Heh!_**" Kagome sneered, blood running down her chin from being pistol whipped, "I'll **never** tell! **NEVER!**"

* * *

(A/N: Who's up next? R&R) 


	12. New Stagehands & FFX Charas

(A/N: Heya! I'm so glad you all enjoy my ficlet! Brings tears to my eyes! And NOW! on with the show!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon had just received word that Koyori and Touda had been killed in the Makai. 

After a five minute period of mourning, Shinigami set out to find new stagehands.

It didn't take her too long.

Very soon, she was happy again with her new stagehands, Laith, a youko who was as sadistic and vindictive as she was, and Banshee, a hanyou neko youkai who was almost as insane as she and HeartofDragon.

It was a good match up.

Speaking of HeartofDragon, the red headed youkai had called her up while out scoping potential targets, saying she was toying around with an idea for next week's show.

Shinigami wondered what it was.

* * *

Goumon sighed with bliss as Banshee screamed. 

Somehow or another, she had managed to piss Laith off, and the kitsune was chasing her around the room while throwing acupuncture needles at her.

But on to more serious matters.

She had to decide who had to be ripped a new one.

She spotted her prey.

A particularly haughty…**BLONDE**…elf in the twelfth row, mouthing off to an elder sprite.

Her ass was grass.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant isss_**...**DEEDLIT! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

Upon hearing her name, the elfin woman stop her arrogant rant and strode confidently down the stairs.

That confidence wasn't gonna last long once Shinigami was done with her.

Goumon was gonna make sure of it.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

_"Deedlit_..._she _'s _the Hiiiigh-est Mofo I've EVAH seen, son!"_

"**WHAT?**" Deedlit cried, "I am **_NOT!_** I'm the **HIGH _ELF_, SLUT!**"

_"I'm sure you are, ya Cheeched up pixie!"_

"**NOT _THAT _KINDA HIGH!**" Deedlit screamed.

_"Hey Deedlit, dya mind givin _' _Laith here a hit off your joint? He's a little bit wound up!"_

"I'm **NOT A _POTHEAD_ YOU UNBELIEVABLE_ASS!_**" Deedlit shrieked.

Snickering, Shinigami pressed the little yellow button.

A huge ceramic vase came hurtling down, crashing onto the High Elf's skull, mysteriously without breaking.

_"Now you are!"_

". . .ouch." Deedlit whimpered, trembling in pain.

* * *

_"Deedlit...her real name is Dee Dee and her hobbies include destroying her brother, Dexter's, laboratory!"_

"**_WHAAAAT?_**" Deedlit screamed, somehow managing to shatter the vase on her head, "I have no brother and my **_NAME_-IS-_DEEDLIT!_**"

_"Hey Dee Dee, does sound familiar? GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!"_

"**MY! NAME! IS! _DEEDLIT!_ DEED-_DULL_-LEET! _DEEDLIT!_ DEEDLIT! _DEEDLIT!_**" The elfin woman roared.

"_Dee Dee_...-" 

"Oh for the love of all things great and small!" Deedlit cried.

_"-she thinks Parn is a worthless pansy and not worth an once of energy!"_

"**WHAT?**" Deedlit cried in a panic, "That's not **_TRUE!_** Parn, don't **LISTEN TO HER!**"

"Yeah, surrrrre it's not." Parn said, rolling his eyes.

_"And I'm not a sadist. _"

"**IT _ISN'T_ TRUE PARN!**" Deedlit cried, "**_I LOVE-!"_**

_"Dee Dee...she loves Ghim!"_

"**WWWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?**" Deedlit screamed.

"**I _KNEW_ IT!**" Pam crowed.

"**NO!**" Deedlit screamed, hopping up and down, "**NO_NO_NO_NO_NO!_ I LOVE-!_**"

_"Yes, Dee Dee. You love Ghim. We get it. Just let it go. Yeesh!"_

"**_NOOOOOO-OOOOOO!_**" Deedlit howled, tearing out large chunks of her hair.

_"Now you know...Dee Dee!"

* * *

_

Shinigami Goumon laughed her ass off in her, office chair.

"Lady Goumon...splendid work." Laith said, smirking in a way that was oh, so reminiscent of Dr. Muraki.

"**DAMN_ STRAIGHT!_**" Banshee shrieked (oh the puns! Will they ever stop?), somehow kicking Laith in the back of the head, "That was funny as **hell!** Great goin' boss lady!"

"…" Laith walked over towards the hanyou neko youkai, a length of rusted chain hanging from his chain.

"…whyeeee are you lookin' at me like that?" Banshee asked as she was backed into a corner.

"You mademe **_BLEED!_**" Laith snarled, bringing down the chain.

"**YAIIIE!**" Banshee squealed, dodging the chain, "**_I'M SORRY!_ I'M SORRY! _I'M SORRY!_ PLEEEEEASE _FORGIVE ME!_**"

"**NEVER!**" Laith growled.

Yes, Shinigami was seriously loving her new comedy relief-I mean stagehands.

She scanned the audience and found a candidate without even trying.

He just sorta fell in to the stool when going for a glomp.

* * *

"**_Well _THAT _was easy! Our next contestant, obviously, _issss...SHINDO SHUICHI! _I'd say My tag line of 'Come On Down!' but seein _' _as your already here, let the bashing begin!_**" 

"Huh?" The J-pop star blinked, "Yuki? Hiro? Sakuma-sama? Where am I? What's going on?"

He teared up.

"I want my **Mommy!**" he bawled, "I want my **_Yuki!_** I want my **Tamagoro-kun!** **_WAAAAAAAUGH!_**"

Goumon almost felt a shred of pity for the effeminate boy.

Almost being the keyword in that last sentence.

Heh heh heh.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"**WAK! **Who said that?" Shuichi shrieked, huge tears streaking down his cheeks, "**IZZAT _YOU _REIJI?** I already _**TOLD YOU**_ I'm not **GOIN'** back to **_AMERICA!_** I'm stayin' **HERE**!"

_"Shuichi..._-"

"K-san! **_Stop it!_** You're really scaring me!" Shuichi whimpered, rocking back and forth, on the stool.

_"-he cheated on Yuki with a transvestite stripper named Shiraz!"

* * *

_

"**WHAT!**" Shuichi stopped blubbering like a little girl as a testosterone charge shot through him faster than mercury, "**I DID _NOT_ YOU INVISIBLE VOICE FROM NO WHERE! YOU NOW HAVE _FIVE SECONDS_ TO GET OUT HERE SO I CAN _RIP OUT YOUR VOCALCORDS!_**"

_"Aww...Shuichi...Shiraz would be so hurt to hear you say that!"_

"**THERE IS-_NO_-SHIRAZ!**" Shuichi roared, knocking the stool over as he leapt up:

_"His…her heart must have been ground to powder to have heard you say that! Especially after the night of sweet, beautiful love making you two shared!"_

"**ARE YOU _HIGH?_**" Shuichi shrieked.

"_...maaaayyybe._"

Shuichi blinked in surprise.

Wasn't expecting that.

"Oh." He said, a bit startled.

* * *

In her booth, Shinigami Goumon giggled. 

"_Pfft! He thinks I mean THAT kinda high!_" she snorted, "_I'm sugar high from all those Rock Star's and chocolate muffins!_ _WEE-HEE!_"

* * *

"_Shuichi…he's going to switch labels and go back to America!"_

"**DID YOU _NOT_ JUST HEAR ME?**" Shuichi cried, "**NO I'M _NOT!_**"

"_Oh-ho-ho! But I have someone here who begs to differ!"_

**_-BA-KROOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM-_**

A wall exploded inward and a giant panda robo came clanking into the Studio.

"**_GYAAAAAAAAAAAA!_ REIJI!**" Shuichi shrieked as a metallic panda paw enclosed around him.

"**NYA-HA-HA-HA!**" Reiji crowed, "**OI!** Shinigami-**_channnnn!_** Thank you-spank you for givin' me the coordinates!"

_"Any time Rage!"_

The crazed American/Japanese halfbreed fangirl strode out of the studio in her robo, Shuichi in tow.

"**_WAAAAAAAUGH!_**" Shuichi bawled, "**YUUKIIIII! _HELLLP!_ K-SAN! GET OFF YER ASS AND MANAGE ME AN _ESCAPE ROUTE_ YOU PRICK! _AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**"

"_Now you know…Shuichi!"

* * *

_

Shinigami Goumon watched with delight as K-san and Yuki Eiri tore after Reiji, Hiro and Suguru close behind.

Behind her, Laith and Banshee were battling it out with a pair of chainsaws.

Life was pretty damn good at this moment.

But there was still a problem.

How had that group managed to worm their way into her audience.

She was gonna hafta hire better security.

But oh well.

They would pay the price.

* * *

"_**Our next victim isss**_…**RIKKU! _COME ONNN DOWN!_"**

The FFX character strode down the stairs, her skimpy shorts just barely covering her ass.

"_This is toooooo easy._" Goumon snickered.

"Huh? What is?" Banshee asked, a kitchen knife currently sticking out of her head from where Laith had stabbed her for no particular reason.

"_Oh nothing._" Shinigami smirked.

"If you say so…Lady Goumon." Laith said, smirking maliciously as hecame up behind Banshee with piano wire wrapped around his fingers.

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Rikku…she deliberately cuts an inch off her shorts every day to attract Tidus's attention!"_

"**What!**" the game character cried, "I do not! That's like, statutory **_rape_** or something!"

"Heh. I always knew ya had a thing for me!" Tidus smirked, cupping his chin superiorly.

"I do **NOT!**" Rikku cried, "And I **_sooo_** don't cut my shorts!"

"_Then what's this?"_

Something flew out of Rikku's pocket: a pair of scissors.

"**_Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!_**" Rikku giggled nervously, "Ah-I can explain!"

"_I'm sure you can, doll face."

* * *

_

"_Rikku…she's wishes Paine and Yuna would jump off a cliff so she would have all the male characters to herself!"_

"**RIKKU!**" Yuna cried.

"That'd better not be true!" Paine growled.

Rikku glared at her knees and didn't respond.

"_Whadda skank!" _

Rikku glared at Yuna and Paine.

"I admit it." Rikku said tartly, "So what? Without you skags around, I'd have all those fine specimens of manhood all to myself!"

"_Rikku…she's about to be eaten by a aeon Anima!"_

"Say wha?" Rikku blinked.

Shinigami Goumon pressed a black button, summoning the creature to the studio, only inches away from the blonde bimbo.

"_Bye-bye!"_

There was a loud roar, a knash of teeth, and a gulp, and Rikku was gone.

"_Now you know-I mean knew…Rikku! And good riddance!"_

_

* * *

_Shinigami Goumon sat back in her spinny chair and wondered about her next victim. 

Who would it be?

But more importantly...

_**"WHAT THE HELL IS HEARTOFDRAGON PLANNING?"** _Shinigami thought excitedly,_**"Oooo! Hurry up and get back! Patience isn't one of my virtues!"**

* * *

_

(A/N: What's HeartofDragon planning? Who **ELSE** is gonna show up? R&R!)


	13. Sobbing Soux Chefs, Icky Vicky, Die Dai

(A/N: Hey all! I'm back! And with a brand new chappie, too! I hope you all enjoy it!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon sat in her office chair, tapping her foot impatiently. 

The door to her booth was suddenly flung open, sending her flying unceremoniously into Banshee (currently fleeing Laith)

"Hey there, SG!" HeartofDragon grinned, taking no notice of the huge dog pile on the floor.

"_Helll-lo there HoD!_" Goumon smiled sheepishly as she clamored to her feet.

"Owwwwww." Banshee sobbed, "That **_hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!_**"

"Ya know that idea I was tinkerin' around with?" HeartofDragon asked.

"_Yeeeeah, and?_" Shinigami pressed as Laith jumped over her head, still chasing Banshee with a flamethrower.

"Me an' Sparky here were wondering if you wanted to switch with me, just for kicks?" HeartofDragon smiled broadly, pleased at her brilliant idea.

"When are you gonna getta clue?" her helper mumbled under his breath, "My name is Loki, damn it."

"_Switch?_" Shinigami said, a lackluster expression on her face, "_I don't_ _Want_ _to switch. I_ _Like_ _my studio._"

"Are you **_surrrre?_**" HeartofDragon asked, wiggling her eyebrow suggestively, "I have something that might change your **_mi-ind!_**"

* * *

She whipped out a basket of chocolaty muffins. 

"_What's the big fuckin' deal?_" Goumon asked dully, eyeing the muffins, "_I have a sick obsession with chocolate muffins, sure, but I have a stockpile right here, thank you very much._"

To prove her point, she pressed a chocolate brown button with a muffin stamped on it, causing a hidden door to slide open, revealing endless shelves of chocolately goodness.

"Ohh, but these aren't just **_chocolate_ **muffins." HeartofDragon said seductively, "They're delicious…moist…melt-in-your-mouth…_**fudge**_ muffins."

The audience outside could hear was-

"_MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!_"

-as a copper-topped, black blur rushed through them and into a portal that had appeared out of nowhere.

* * *

"Thought you'd like my idea." HeartofDragon grinned, snatching a muffin out of the basket and snarfing it down (forgetting to take the paper off, I might add) 

"Besides, I know you're gonna want to roast today's contestant, after all she's…(begins singing) Icky Vicky! Icky Vicky! Ick-eeee…Vicky!"

"_Reffy?_" Shinigami asked with her mouthful of muffin, "**_-glp-_** _phweeh_…_but I bash ANIME charas! AN-NII-MEH! People will complain!_"

"C'mon! You're doin' MY job 'member? I bash ANYONE!" HeartofDragon smiled.

"…_true._" The coppertop nodded

"Mmmhmm!" HeartofDragon nodded, "Besides, I'll even let you play with my toy as a bonus! I know you've been wantin' ta try it out!"

"_Goody!_" Goumon sang, face covered with crumbs.

-SG's thought's-

_**"Want more muffin! More muffin! Muffin more! Muffin! Muffin! MUFFIN!"**_

-These have been SG's thoughts-

* * *

"Well, I'll see you when your done!" HeartofDragon smiled, "And since you're doing my job as field correspondent, I'll roast someone in the audience!" 

"_I dunno_…" Shinigami muttered.

"Hey SG! I'm letting you use my toy today!" HeartofDragon said defensively.

"_Weelllllll_…_okay._" Shinigami pouted, "_But_ _just_ _one!_…_they're__MY_ unwilling _hostages_."

"**WOOT!** Got it! Don't hafta tell **ME** twice!" HeartofDragon cried joyfully, rushing out to the studio, mike in hand.

"**_Halllll_righty then!** Hello there, audience!" she said jubilantly, "While SG's out stalking Vicky, howsabout I roast someone here? **OI, _JIN!_**"

"Aye lassie? Whatcha be wan'in nah?" said a distinctively Irish voice from the control booth.

"Ya got any good prospects for me?" HeartofDragon asked.

"Y' betcha!" he grinned toothily, "Thah bugger there 'tween th' sudo sam'rai an' th' needle noosed freak!"

HeartofDragon scanned the audience and quickly spotted him.

"**_Oooo! _**He **IS **a good roast!" She continued in a hyper and very sugar high fashion "And if you weren't my boss's main squeeze, I'd like to take you home and get **_you_** roastin' too! **WOO!**" (A/N: He marries one o' mah chara's in another fic, but just for kicks, Jin is married to the hostess!...please don't hate me)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon face suddenly blipped back on screen; gigantic and twelve kinds of pissed. 

"_You betcher_ _ASShe's mine!_" she snarled, "_BACK OFF, SKANK!_"

"**HEEP!**" HeartofDragon squeaked, "C-c-c'mon boss! I was just kiddin'!"

"Hunneh! Calm down!" Jin cried.

Shinigami's face went (le' GASP!) chibi, and her eyes filled up with tears.

"_S-s-so that's how it is? You defend_ _HER but not your WIFE?_" she hiccupped, "_F-FINE! See if I care!_"

"SG! **Chill!**" HeartofDragon cried, "I have Sesshy! I wouldn't touch your man!" (A/N: In HoD's fics, her OC's are usually paired with Sesshoumaru, hence the pairing here!)

"_WAAAAAAAAAH-HAAA-HAAA-HAAA-HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_" Goumon wailed (soooo not listening)

"Waiiit a minute…oh no, don't **TELL ME** it's your time of the month!" HeartofDragon cried.

"_Y-Y-YEEEEEH-EEEHSSSS!_" Shinigami bawled.

"**JIN!**" HeartofDragon shouted, "Get down to Toon world with chocolate, Lays and a box of Midol! **STAT!**"

"On me way!" the impish youkai declared zooming out of the building.

* * *

"Well…ookay." HeartofDragon said brightly, "Now that we've taken care of the um…technical difficulties…our focus today is Sanji!" 

The arrogant cook had tried to slink down in his chair but was roughly picked up and thrown to the stage by Sparky.

"My name is Loki, damn it." the disgruntled assistant grumbled, "Get it through your skulls!"

"'ey! Whaddiz all dis?" the prideful cook snarled as the manacle clamped around his thighs.

"Now then, hope your comfy!" HeartofDragon grinned.

Sanji glared at her.

HeartofDragon then ran back up to the control booth and sat down.

"So this is how SG feels…hee hee! They look like ants!" HeartofDragon cackled as she began.

* * *

"_**Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"**_

"_**Sanji, he likes to sneeze in everyone's food!"**_

"Sanji you sick bastard, how dare you sneeze in my food!" Zorro yelled from the audience.

"I don't do that!" Sanji snapped, insulted, "She's lyin'!"

"_**Oh, you only WISH I was!"**_

"Chyeah…right." Sanji said, rolling his eyes.

"_**Sanji, his attraction to Nami is just to cover up his TRUE lust for his captain, Luffy!"**_

"Sanji! You're **SICK!**" The pirate captain cried, "Gumm gumm…"

"_**YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! NO GUM GUMS!" **_

HeartofDragon zoomed out of the booth, snatched the stretchy man and swiftly tied him to one of the roof joists.

"I can't have you messing up the studio!" she cried, eyes wide with panic. "SG'd **_kill me!_** And while at any other time that should be taken as a joke, now that that she PMS-ing, I'm pretty damn sure she'd do it!"

She began to stride back to the control booth where Banshee had just evened the odds by somehow getting her hands on a live crocodile, when-

"_**Oooo!**_" Sanji growled, "I'm gonna **KILL** you, you bitch!"

* * *

_-twitch-_

HeartofDragon turned around, smiling a truly fake, creepy smile that was just too reminiscent of Barbie to be allowed.

"I…**_really_** hate that word, ya know." She said, now grinning insanely, "Just for that-"

She drew a deep breath, said loudly into the mike-

"_**Sanji! His food is so disgusting it would give FLIES dysentery!"**_

Sanji was crushed: it was the worst thing for any cook to hear.

He started crying almost as hard as Shinigami.

"**_Aww…feelin' crushed? You will be!"_** HeartofDragon sang.

She ran up to Shinagami's box and pushed the yellow button.

The Baratie came crashing down on top of him, complete with work staff.

"What th' hey's goin' on?" Chef Zeff growled, exiting the ship/resteraunt.

"Aren't these Sanji's shoes?" the new Soux chef asked, bending down to examine them.

"Well they're **MINE** now!" a cabin laughed, scooping them up.

"_**Now you know…Sanji!"

* * *

**_

HeartofDragon decided to chance a peek on a mini monitor in the control booth to see if her pal SG had calmed down any.

"_Hgk-'n-'n you de-defended huh-her!_" Shinigami Goumon wailed through a mouthful of potato chips.

"'m tellin' ya, Ah di'in!" Jin cried exasperatedly.

"_IT'S ALL THE AUDIENCE'S FAULT!_" Shinigami roared suddenly, shooting to her feet.

"Huh?" Jin blinked.

"_THEY TURNED YOU AND MY BEST FRIEND AGAINST ME!_" Goumon screamed, "_I'LL DESTROY THEM ALL! I SHALL MAKE THEM SUFFER AND DIE! **MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**_"

Shinigami Goumon then abandoned her search for Vicky and rocket back for her studio.

* * *

"Wuh-oh." HeartofDragon squeaked. 

"Wuh-oh?" Laith asked, deserting his fight with Banshee, "Wuh-oh what?"

"Whaz goin' on?" Banshee asked, clinging to Laith, "Somethin' bad?"

"Obviously." Laith said tiredly, "Now get off of me."

* * *

Shinigami Goumon suddenly burst back into the studio. 

"_YOU!_" Shinigami roared at the spectators, eyes blazing ferally, "_YOU TURNED THEM AGAINST ME! PREPARE TO SUFFER MY ARMY OF RABID, RADIOACTIVE SQUIRRELS!_"

A battalion of green, glowing squirrels scampered into the studio, all foaming at the mouth.

"_ATTACK MY FROTHY, FURRY MINIONS! ATTACK!_" Goumon bellowed, eyes glazed with an insane light.

"Destroy the Fleshbags for the Leader!" The Alpha Squirrel squeaked.

"**LEEEEEEEEEEEEADERRRRRRRR!**" The droned in unison as the viciously assaulted the audience.

Behold a force more powerful than our hostess…PMS!

* * *

Without warning, the Midol Jin had hidden in a bit of chocolate took effect. 

"_Whuh-what?_" Shinigami blinked taking in the sight of her hellish (yet still somewhat adorable) army killing off her audience.

"_SQUEAK!_" Goumon called out sharply, "_SQUEAKER-SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAKEDY!_"

The evil rodentia stopped their attack and dashed out of the Studio.

"Whaddid ya tell'm SG?" HeartofDragon as over the PA.

"_That Karasu had stolen their store of acorns!_" Shinigami smirked.

"_Now, time ta go find Vicky!_" Goumon smiled, flashing her overly long K-9's, "_C'mon Sweets!_"

"Aye!" Jin grinned, leaping in the vortex after her.

* * *

The big screen slid down and flashed on. 

"_Hey all!_" Shinigami grinned, "_I'm your lovely hostess with the mostest, Shinigami Goumon, on location with Icky Vicky…of course-SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!_"

"Phwew." HeartofDragon sighed, "Back to normal!"

"**YAY!**" Banshee squealed, bouncing up and down, stomping on Laith's foot.

"…you…" he smirked, reminding HeartofDragon of Dr.Muraki, "…hurt…my…**_FOOT!_**"

He brought down a sink (when and where did he get that?)

"**YAAAAII!**" Banshee squealed, "**'M_SORRY!_ 'M _SORRY!_**"

HeartofDragon refocused her attention to the screen, where Shinigami Goumon had just located Vicky.

* * *

The copper headed…human?…slunk up behind the evil red-head (who was currently burning Timmy's college fund) drew a deep breath and- 

"_HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII VICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!_" she screamed, directly into the babysitter's ear no less.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!**" Vicky screamed, flying five feet in the air and land in the middle of her self-created bonfire, catching fire, "**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_**"

HeartofDragon laughed hysterically, almost falling out of the borrowed chair.

"_Sweets? Wouldja be a dear?_" Goumon smirked. 

"A course." Jin smiled.

He created a small tornado, putting out the blaze.

"Who're you?" Timmy asked.

"_I am Shinigami Goumon!_" she declared proudly, "_Host of Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! And today, I'm here to bah-I mean roas-I mean critique your lovely babysitter!_"

Shingami gave the pink hatted boy a big wink.

"Ohhhh…I getcha." Timmy smirked.

"_Now then Vicky, here's your stool!_" Goumon smiled, pulling a lever, causing a stool to appear out of nowhere.

"Uhhh…thanks…I guess." Vicky said, raising an eyebrow.

Oh Vicky!

You should know better than to thank a clearly psychotic human? being!

* * *

Shinigami pressed the invisible button and all went dark, spotlights circling around the red-headed teen. 

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_"

"_Vicky…she's a child's rights activist!_" Goumon smirked.

"**I AM _NOT!_**" Vicky shouted, "I believe kids have the right to **sit down** and **_shut up_**, but other than that-!"

"_Did I give you permission to speak?_" Shinigami snapped, pulling down another lever.

A giant hand appeared and bitch-slapped Vicky ten times in rapid succession.

"Weh-oo-ooeh…" Vicky slurred dizzily, teetering on the stool.

"_AWP-AWP-AWP!_" Goumon snarled threateningly, hand on the lever again (ain't PMS grand…**NOT!**)

Vicky sat up ramrod straight and clamped her mouth shut.

* * *

"_That's what I thought; now then-Vicky…she's really a Teletubby in disguise!_" Shinigami cried accusingly. 

"**_WHAT?_**" Vicky shrieked, "**I AM _NOT!_**"

"_DON'T DENY IT!_" Goumon shouted.

"**_I'M NOT A TELETUBBY!_**" Vicky screamed.

Shinigami yanked down on another lever.

Instantly, Vicky was transformed into an orange teletubby (**BLGH!**.._**BLRGH-HLGH!**_)

"_Izzat so?_" Goumon sneered, wrenching down on another lever, making a mirror appear.

"**YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!**" Vicky screamed, flying off the stool.

"_Who's nodda Teletubby again?_" Shinigami asked mockingly.

* * *

"_Vicky…her REAL name Bwee Bwee!_" Goumon snickered. 

"**It is _NOT!_**" The orange teletubby that had once been Vicky screamed.

"_Bwee Bwee_…-" Shinigami sang cheerily.

"_**STOP IT!**_" the orange teletubby snarled.

"-…_is about to get a visit from some ollllld friends!_" Goumon laughed, tugging another lever.

Instantly, the entire Teletubbies gang appeared, looking thoroughly irked.

* * *

"So we've **FINALLY** found you Bwee Bwee!" Dipsy growled. 

"_**Heep!**_ Uh-eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Huh-hey…Dipsy." Vicky-koff-excuse me! Bwee Bwee stammered, "Huh-how're th' wife 'n kids?"

"Cut th'crap Bwee Bwee!" Po snarled, "Barney is royally T'ed off!"

"He wants you outta th' picture…for good." Tinky Winky murmured.

"Whuh-what?" Bwee Bwee stuttered, "B-but **Baby Bop!** Sh-she always had my ba-!"

"Baby Bop's tired a you!" La La growled.

"You're done." Dipsy growled.

"_Bwee Bwee…she's about ta get capped! Ah shit, son!_" Shinigami snickered as the orange creature fled into the darkness, the other four creatures, armed with Glocks, chasing after her.

"_Now you know…Bwee Bwee!_" Goumon laughed, "_HeartofDragon? Be with ya in a second!_"

* * *

The vortex reappeared in the control booth and the hostess and her hubby rematerialized. 

"Well, that was fun." HeartofDragon said brightly.

"_Let's not do it again…for a reeeeeeeally long time!_" Shinigami grinned, handing HeartofDragon her toy.

"Agreed." The blood-haired youkai laughed, "I prefer the field!"

"_And I like my spinny chair!_" the penny head chuckled chewing on a muffin and scanning the audience as her buddy left.

* * *

Oh, so many lovely candidates. 

All ripe for the slammer.

But whop to pluck from the proverbial tree?

Then she spotted her target and began to giggle vindictively.

"Hee hee hee...your ass is grass." Goumon snickered.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_**...**NIWA DAISUKE! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**" 

The red head stumbled with forced clumsiness down the stairs, blushing slightly.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars_!"

"_Daisuke...is deeply in love with Dark!_"

"**_HA-_WHAT!**" Daisuke cried, "No I'm not!"

"That'd better be a **_LIE_**, Daisuke!" Riku shrieked.

"_Which means, in a way,he's in love with himself!_"

"I'm **NOT** in love with **_DARK!_**" Daisuke cried, face tomato red from screaming.

"Damn **right** your not!" Dark snarled.

"_Stupid lil' Shishi wannabe!_"

"**_HEY!_**" Shishiwakamaru barked from the audience.

"_You wanna come up here pretty boy?_"

Shishiwakamaru abruptly sat back down.

* * *

"_Daisuke...he started the main branch of the We Love Shishi Fan Club!_" 

"I...did **NOT!**" Daisuke shouted, first eyeing Riku, then Shishi, and turning even redder.

"Mr. President! Mr. President! No need to be ashamed!" a random Shishiwakamaru fan girl cried.

"That's right Mr. President!" another said loudly.

"We all love the work you've done!" arandom Shishiwakamaru fanboysaid, running up on stage and glomping him, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"We're all so proud of you!" The Vice President sobbed.

"Th-thank you." Daisuke said, tears of pride glistening in his eyes.

Riku sank low into her seat.

"We are soooo broken up." she muttered.

* * *

"_Daisuke..he wishes he were as pretty as Risa and steals her make up when he thinks she's not looking!_" 

"...do not." Daisuke muttered.

"You little **_CREEP!_**" Risa shrieked, leaping out of her seat, "I've been blaming **RIKU** all this time, but it been **_YOU _**whose been-!"

"Yeah, so what?" Daisuke said defensively, "You won't share your beauty tips with me!"

"Cuz you're a **GUY!**" Risa shrieked, "Guya aren't suh-**_POSED_** ta be pretty!"

The Beautiful Suzuki, Hotohori and Ayanojou Aburatsubo all rose as one.

"**WE _RESENT_ THAT!**" the shouted.

"...okay." Risa said carefully, "**BUT I _STILL_ WANT MY _MAKE UP_ BACK!**"

"**_NO!_**" Daisuke cackled, "**IT'S _MINE!_ MINE! ALL _MINE!_**"

Daisuke leapt off the stool, Risa andthe M.I.W.'s chasing after him.

"_Now you know...Daisuke!_"

* * *

(A/N: Who will be next? I have a vague idea, but requests are always welcome! R&R!) 


	14. A 2 Fer, An Umeboshi & Wannabes

(A/N: Heya all! I live! I was having writers block but with the help of faithful reviewers like you, I've finally finished! So without further adieu, let the bashing commence!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon sat in her control booth, eyeing the audience with rapidly growing paranoia.

"_They're out to break us up, I swear it._" she muttered quickly, eyes flashing insanely, "_It's a conspiracy, dammit! They're ALL involved somehow!_"

"They ahre noot." Jin said grinning, "Here, wanna Twix?" (he's slipped about four ground up Midol into them)

Today, she sat not in her famous spinny chair, but floating in midair in Jin's lap like a child; legs dangling over his calves and feet coming nowhere near touching the ground.

Empty Lays bags, chocolate wrappers, Tubs of Ice Cream, pretzels bags and plastic muffin containers littered the floor…as well as twenty two emptied boxes of Midol.

The Midol finally taking effect, Shinigami finally set to work locating her next offering to the stool.

* * *

It didn't take her long.

Itachi, thoroughly pissed at Kisame for revealing the identity of Agent M on live television, chased the shark man on stage.

"_Well…that settles that._" Goumon smirked.

"Will, WILL! A Two fer!" Jin grinned hugely.

Shinigami then quickly pressed a blue button with a pair of handcuffs embossed on it.

A pair of manacles shot out of the floor and pinned Itachi in place.

Goumon then pressed a magenta button.

The mechanical hands from Ch.5 returned, grabbed Kisame roughly around the middle and slammed him down on the stool.

The manacle then shot out and clamped around Sharky's thighs.

* * *

"**_Alright then! Obviously, our next two contestants arrrrrrrrre_…HOSHIGAKI KISAME _AND_ UCHIHA ITACHI**!"

"Release me at once, wench." Itachi spat, Magekyo Sharingan flashing maliciously.

"Yeh sure ya dun' wanna bahsh 'im first?" Jin asked.

"_Sweets, don't you fret! Haven't you ever heard the saying, "Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun"? _" Shinigami smirked, "_Here! Sweets for my Sweets!_"

"**WOO HOO! _CANDEH!_**" Jin cried, chomping down on a handful of Watermelon Jolly Ranchers

(A/N: I am making a stand-right here and now! Watermelon…is the **ONLY** good flavor of Jolly Rancher! Don't you **DARE SAY SOUR APPLE!** If you say Sour Apple, I'll hafta stab you in the jaw. Just walk into the KYS: FFA!lobby, say hi, I'll be the one stabbing jaws)

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_"

"_Kisame_…_he likes to shove live goldfish down his pants and sing, '"I! AM! IRON MAN! COULDN'T-GETTA-WOMAN-SO-I-USED-MY-HAND! I! LOVE! LSD! LITTLE-PURPLE-PEOPLE-CHASIN'-AFTER-ME!"'!_"

"I do **NOT**, you impertinent **_BITCH!_**" Kisame shouted.

"_What a pathetic loser!_"

"I am **NOT** a **_LOSER!_**" Kisame said huffily, "I've had **LOTS** of women!"

"_Oh yeah? Name five!_"

"Easy!" Kisame said indignantly, "There's uh…um…err…ummm…"

Itachi hid his face in his hands and couldn't look at the fish man.

"_Whoooo are these alleged women again?_"

"Shut up." Kisame said, turning purple as he blushed with shame.

* * *

"_Itachi_…-"

Itachi's head snapped up from it's hidden position in his hands.

"-…_he's a hermaphrodite!_"

Itachi's Magekyo Sharingan flashed crimson with rage.

"I...am...**_not_**, you miserable fool." He spat.

"_Oh really? Izzat a fact?_"

Shinigami nonchalantly pressed a tie-dye colored button.

A vat of some strange liquid rained down upon the elder Uchiha, and almost instantaneously dissolved his clothes.

* * *

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!**_" Sasuke screamed upon seeing his brother's breasts, "**I'M BLIND! _I'M BLIND!_ MY RETINAS!** **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**"

Kisame's eyes went wide as he gaped at his superior's honkers.

"_So THAT'S why you parade around in those oversized robes!_"

Itachi alternated wrapping her/his arms around his/her boobs and covering up her/his Johnson.

"_AND wear you hair ridiculously long!_"

"J-just be **QUIET!**" Itachi cried, red with embarrassment.

"_Why? This is just too great an opportunity to pass up!_"

"**Shut** **_UP!_**" Itachi cried, eyes glowing.

"_I mean, I was aiming off target and hit a bullseye!_"

"**GODDAMNIT WILL YOU BE _QUIET!_**" Itachi bellowed.

"_Nope!_"

"**_RRRRRRRRRGGH!_**" Itachi cried in frustration.

* * *

"_Kisame_…-"

"**AWP!**" Kisame squeaked.

"-…_he has the hots for Itachi!_"

Blushing furiously, Kisame screeched-

"**I DO _NOT_ YOU _WHORE!_**"

"**AND WHAT'S _WRONG _WITH ME?**" Itachi cired.

"_Besides the obvious?_"

"And what was that**_ last_** remark supposed to mean, Itachi-sama?" Kisame asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Itachi snapped, "I merely wanted to know what about me you found so unappealing!"

"_How about your Master of Ceremonies?_"

"Who **asked** you?" Itachi snarled.

* * *

"_Itachi_…-"

"Damn it." Itachi grumbled.

"-…_he…I mean she…I mean…oh whatever-IT thinks Kiasme is a sexy beast!_"

"I do **_not!_**" Itachi cried.

"_Then why the Third Degree?_"

"No reason." Itachi shrugged, "I merely take great pride in my appearance."

"_Ohhhh, so you're a Narcy?_"

(A/N: "Narcy" is 'Gal Speak' for a Narcissist)

"Yes exact-I mean **NO!**" Itachi shrieked.

"_Thought so!_"

"_**GRRRRRRR!**_" Itachi growled (get some clothes on you freak)

* * *

"_Kisame_…-"

"What now?" the shark man sighed.

"-…_he adores_ _parading about in stilettos and ball gowns!"_

"I do **NOT!**" Kisame cried, eyeing the still nude Uchiha, "That's **_her_**-I mean **HIS** bag!"

"How **_DARE_ YOU!**" Itachi cried, bitch slapping the shark-man.

The elder Uchiha then managed to wrench free of the manacles and stormed off stage, boobs jiggling and tallywacker swingin'.

"_Now you know_…_Kisame and Itachi!_"

* * *

Shinigami Goumon and Jin snickered as Kisame and Sasukenow were attempting to gore their own eyes out at the sight of Itachi.

"Heh. Will! Thah was fun!" Jin grinned cheerily.

"_Sure was!_" Shinigami nodded in agreement, "_And I already have a candidate for bashing thanks this fanmail we received from the Makai._"

"'ey…where're Laith 'n Bashee?" Jin asked, finally noting the lack of chaos in the small control booth.

"_I sent them out to get supplies._" Goumon smiled.

-At the grocery store-

"Banshee…no where on Lady Goumon's list does it say Hiei plushie." Laith said, smoothly extracting it from the catgirl's arms.

"**_WAH!_**" Banshee cried, " But **you** got that** MURAKI PLUH**-**_MMMMFMFMFMFMF!_**"

Laith stuffed the plush in her mouth.

"You made your point." He said coolly, "Lets just hurry this along and get outta here."

* * *

-Back At The Studio-

"**_Our next target issss_**…**HONDA TOHRU! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**"

It a moment for the slightly dim girl to register that her name had been called and she quickly tripped down the stairs, stumbling slightly.

She took her seat, looking around excitedly.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_"

"_Tohru_…_she hated her mother with every fiber of her being!_"

"Wh-what?" Tohru stammered, twitching slightly, "I'm afraid you're mistaken. I loved my mom very much."

"_Ain't it horrible?_"

"Eh-excuse me?" Tohru asked, twitching again, a bit more this time, "I said I didn't hate my mom!"

"_Hating her own mother! Oh the SHAME! I ALMOST Feel an ounce of sympathy for the poor woman!_"

"I **didn't **hate my **_mom!_**" Tohru cried indignantly, "I don't know **why** you refuse to believe me, but I'm telling the **_truth!_**"

* * *

Shinigami growled and bit her thumb.

She **WASN'T** cracking!

Damnit it was pissing her off!

"_Very well then Honda._" Goumon snarled, "_I'll just hafta pull out the BIG guns!_"

* * *

"_Tohru…she secretly hates the Sohma family and wishes they all would find holes to crawl into and die!_"

Tohru's hands clenched into fists, her face flushed red, and she began to shake with rage.

"Honda-san…" Akito said coolly from her seat (That's **_RIGHT!_** She's a **GIRL!** **_EFFIN'_ LITTLE TRANNY_ WHORE!_**), "…how I have dreamed of this day!"

Tohru whirled around and faced the head of the Sohma family, eyes flashing.

"Now **_YOU_ LISTEN HERE, _BITCH!_**" Tohru roared, **FINALLY** losing it, "**I HAVE _ALWAYS_ CARED FOR, _AND LOVED_, YOUR FAMILY! SO IF YOU DON'T SIT YOUR _SKINNY ASS DOWN_ IN THE NEXT _FIVE SECONDS_ I'M GONNA _SNAP YOU IN TWO LIKE USED TOOTHPICK!_**"

Yuki and Kyo's jaws simultaneously dropped at the sound of such vulgar language erupting from the normally sweet Tohru's mouth.

Shigure, Ayame and Uotani Arisa cheered loudly.

Hanajima Saki looked mildly amused.

"Ya know what? Screw you, you invisible voice from nowhere!" Tohru snarled, stomping offstage, "I have a family to save from the hands of that cross dressing sado-bitch!"

"_Now you know…Tohru!_"

* * *

The big screen slid out of the ceiling again as once more the lights dimmed.

"**_And now, to our field correspondent, _HeartofDragon!_ HoD?_**"

_-blp-_

The red haired youkai with the mismatched eyes grinned out at the from the jumbo screen.

"**_Okay, KYS fans!_**" HeartofDragon cried, "**_Today we are gonna roast as many as possible within the short time I have!_**"

"**_That means they all have to be in one place right?_**" HeartofDragon winked, "**_So today, we're gonna drop in to a certain letter shaped tower, and harass...err…I mean, oh forget it! Bash the crap out of a group of wannabe teen heroes!_**"

Shinigami Gouon chuckled as did Jin.

It'd been awhile since they'd seen HoD **THIS **excited!

* * *

HeartofDragon hurried off as fast as she could towards the stupidly shaped and inefficient tower.

Having Sparky ("My name is **LOKI _DAMMIT!_**") go first to peek in the window to make sure they were there, and getting zapped by their defenses, they popped into the building before they could motivate an actual attack.

"Boss?" Spark-I mean Loki asked weakly, smoke pouring off the poor youkai.

"_**Yeah Sparky?**_" HeartofDragon replied, grinning like a fool.

"Don't make me do that again...please?" Loki begged.

-To Himself-

"**_Whyyyyy can't she get my name right? Whyyyyyyyyy?"_**

-Back On Topic-

"_**Weeellllllll...**_" she pondered as the team leader started getting anxious.(sp?)

* * *

"Who** ARE** _**you**_ and what are you **DOING** here!" Robin shouted hurriedly and on full alert.

HeartofDragon glanced at him and smiled.

"**_Ohh chill kiddo!_**" she grinned, "**_We're just correspondents from the show Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! and today, you are our vi...contestants!_**" she cried cheerfully

"We don't **WANT **to be on your show!" Robin snarled, "Get **_OUT_** of **OUR TOWER!**"

HeartofDragon adopted an expression of feigned hurt.

"**_No need to be RUDE, Bird Boy!_**" she said huffily, a large vindictive grin replacing the overly exaggerated look of pain, "**_But you REALLY don't have a choice in the matter!_**"

She whipped out her little warpy ball of reality warpyness and activated it, surrounding the team in a black shadow.

"What…is this?" said the quiet and arrogant Raven, "Is it supposed to frighten us? Sorry…but I'm not afraid of the dark."

In the shadows, Loki and Heartof Dragon grinned wickedly…as did Shinigami and Jin back at the studio.

"_**So?**_" HeartofDragon snickered, "**_Its not s'posda to scare you! But it will keep you here til we're done!_**"

* * *

She turned to the audience and viewers at home.

"_**All right ladies and gentlemen, humans and demons,not to ention my Boss Lady…'cuz I'm not exactly sure WHAT she is…'sides psycho!**_" HeartofDragon cried ("_Aw! She remembered!_" Goumon squealed.) "_**We don't have much time so lets start the fun!**_"

She cleared her throat and began her bashing.

"**_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_**"

"_**Robin…he absolutely hates bats and everything associated with them!**_" HeartofDragon grinned.

"**WHAT?**" Robin thundered, "I do **_NOT!_** I was raised by **BAT_MAN_**, fer chrissakes! He's like a **FATHER** to me!"

"**_Ohhhh sure! I'm supposed to believe you, bat hater?_**" she said, rolling her eyes.

* * *

The light switched to a big African American cyborg.

"**_Cyborg…his panels are actually plastic and Christmas lights!_**" HeartofDragon cried happily.

"No they're **_not!_**" Cyborg cried indignantly, "I should **KNOW!** I _**BUILT**_ most of it!"

"**_Surrrrrre-with duct tape!_**" she sneered.

The light spun again, coing to rest this time a little, fuzzy, green boy.

"**_Beast Boy…he's afraid of all things cute and furry!_**" HeartofDragon cried in shock, hands plastered to her cheeks.

"I am **NOT!**" Beast Boy snarled, "I turn **_INTO_** cute furry animals!"

"**_And lick your balls?_**" she asked innocently.

"Ye-**wait!** No I dont!" Beast Boy cried.

"Hey! You said it, not me…Garfield." HeartofDragon snickered.

"**_Rrrr!_**" Beast growled in frustration at being called by his real name.

* * *

The light switched again, and it was Raven's turn in the spotlight.

"What are you going do to me?" the gothic teen asked dully, a bored look on her face.

"**_Raven…her room turns pink when she flips a switch and fills with fluffy unicorns._**" HeartofDragon snickered.

"**What?**" Raven growled, "First of all, I **_hate_** pink, and second of all, I **hate** fluffy unicorns!"

"**_Thats not what Mr. Fluffykins says!_**" HeartofDragon giggled.

She pulled a clearly well loved stuffed unicorn from her back.

"**_AAAAAAAUGH!_ Give'm _back!_**" Raven wailed, tears streaming down her cheeks, "**GIVE'M _BACK!_ GIVE'M_BACK!_ GIVE'M_BAA-AAACK!_ _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**"

HeartofDragon tossed the plush to the sobbing girl, who promptly began to suck her thumb and rub the tattered thing against her nose.

"**_Well! That was pathetic!_**" she smiled.

The light spun around, coming to a stop on a redheaded girl.

"**_Starfire!...ummm, awwww she's just too cute!_**" HeartofDragon said running out of steam as a loud gong went off, "**_And were outta time any way, so until next time!_**"

* * *

(A/N: Who's up next? R&R!)


	15. Commercials, Mad Mazaki & HoD Goes Wild

****

(A/N: Yo! Shinigami Goumon here! Now with out further adieu, here's the next chapter!)

**

* * *

**

**00000000000000000000000000000000000 **

**Inoue Orihime sat at her desk, flipping through a magazine.**

**She lowered it slowly, sniffing the air.**

**Without warning, she hurled herself out the window.**

**Ichigo sat below, chewing on a mozzarella stick.**

**Orihime crashed into him, effectively knocking him unconscious.**

**Orihime snatched the stick out his hand, dusted herself off and walked away, scarfing it down as she went.**

"**Behold The Power Of Cheese."**

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**Genkai sat on a rock looking into the camera.**

**The familiar voice of everyone's favorite Reikai Tantei, not her own, erupted from her mouth.**

"**Alrighty then! Listen up!" said the voice, "First, I emptied th' Old Bag's checkin' account and bought m'self an I-pod Mini."**

**Genkai…Yusuke…or whomever was controlling her…began ticking off her fingers.**

"**And a new set a threads. Damn youkai keep destroyin' mine…a new set a wheels…stupid Ma- always complainin'…and a new set a titties for Keiko. HOOO MAMA!"**

"**Don't let Identity Theft happen to you."**

"**Sign up with City Bank today."**

**000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**Hard bodies pressed together.**

**Mouths locked in a fight for dominance.**

**Finger groping wildly.**

**Loud hungry moans.**

**Bishie bodies tangled up in one another.**

**Yaoi!**

**It's What's For Dinner!**

**00000000000000000000000000000000000

* * *

**

Shinigami Goumon and Jin Kaze Tsukai watch with morbid amusement as Laith chased Banshee around the control booth with a butcher's hook.

"_While entertaining, we have to get a move on._" Shinigami said, turning around in her chair.

"_Sweets? Wouldja?_" Goumon asked, giving her youkai hubby a wink.

"A course." Jin grinned.

A small typhoon filled the booth, sending fanmail flying every which way.

Shinigami snatched one out of midair and the winds stopped.

"_Hmm…from Higure 'Duskmon' Kimura…of Singapore._" Goumon read aloud as Banshee shot past, a giant stone foot in her arms, as she chased down Laith, hell bent on revenge.

"'oo's 'ee wan'?" Jin asked, reading over her shoulder.

"_Oooo. This is a good one._" Shinigami smirked reading the request.

"Yer raht." Jin grinned.

"_Let's humor him._" Goumon snickered.

* * *

"**_Our next sacrificial lamb issss_…MAZAKI ANZU! _COME ONNNN DOWN!_**" 

Hearing her name, the overly hyped teen strolled down the stairs and took her seat on the stool.

"_Know your stars! Know your stars! Know your stars!"_

"What the?. Who's out there?" Anzu snapped in fear (She had fallen asleep at the start of the show…idiot.)

"_Anzu... she likes bunnies…_"

"Yup!" Anzu nodded with a happy smile on her face, "I **love **bunnies! They're soft and fluffy an-!"

"…_FOR DINNER!_"

Anzu's jaw dropped.

"Th-**THAT'S _HORRIBLE!_**" Anzu screeched.

"_I know it is! How could you DO THAT TO THEM?_"

"I **DID**-!" Anzu was cut off.

"_They TRUSTED YOU!_"

"I_** NEH-!**_" Anzu began.

"_And you lured them into a false sense of security and ATE THEM!_"

"**NO I _DIDN'T _YOU _STUPID VOICE_!**" Anzu screamed.

"_If you ate Momiji…I'm afraid I'll hafta kill you._"

"**Who the _HELL_ is Mo_MIJI?_**" Anzu shrieked.

A blonde boy shot up from the audience bouncily.

"I **AMMM!**" he sang, "And I am just fine!"

"_Oh good…so it was your twin BROTHER she ate._"

"**WOULD YOU _STOP IT?_**" Anzu shouted.

"_Whut-everrr, Zodiac Eater._"

(A/N: The year of the Rabbit is MY Zodiac.)

"**_RRRRRRGH!_**" Anzu growled.

* * *

"_Anzu... she is cheating on Yugi with Yami Bakura!_" 

"Oh, yeah right." Anzu said, rolling her eyes, "I just love having **it** from a 5000 year old, homicidal, king of thieves!"

"_Really? I always knew you loved older men._"

"**_EWW!_**" Anzu screamed, flailing her hands to show her disgust, "Why do you keep insulting me? Is there something **wrong** with you?"

"_Yes... your face._"

"_**What?**_" Anzu snapped.

"_Anzu... she's the ugliest slut in the world!_"

"**I'M _NOT_ A _SLUT!_**" Anzu shouted, "**AND I'M _NOT UGLY!_**"

"_Uh-huh, keep telling yourself that...ugly._"

"**Stop** **MOCKING ME!**" Anzu bellowed.

"_No!_"

* * *

"_Anzu...She has a sick obsession with betrayal and murder._" 

"**_What!_** I do **not!**" Anzu snarled huffily, crossing her arms across her chest, "My main thing is friendship."

"_Whadda sado-bitch."_

"I am **_NOT!_**" Anzu cried, fist now clenched at her sides.

"_So how many people are on your hit list again?_"

"Two hundred and twenty teh-**HEEP!**" Anzu clamped her hands over mouth.

"_HA! I KNEW IT!_"

"…I…don't know you." Yami Yugi said slowly.

"Maybe she isn't as bad as I originally thought." Yami Bakura smirked.

"**WAIT! _WAIT!_**" Anzu cried in panic, "**IT'S NOT _THAT _KIND OF HIT LIST! _REALLY!_**"

"_Surrrrrrrrrrre it isn't._"

* * *

"_Anzu…she stuffs her shirt with peanut butter!_" 

She shot out of her chair like a rocket.

"**I do not!**" Anzu yelled, "I **_hate_** peanut butter! It's **disgusting!** Why would I put it down my shirt!"

"_How should I know…Cashew Mc'Nutterson?_"

"**_Oooo_**, I hate you." Anzu growled.

"_Anzu…is wildly in love with a opossum named Cletus!_"

"**I AM_ NOT_ IN _LOVE_ AN _OPOSSUM!_**" Anzu roared, "**_MAN_, YOU ARE _CRAZY!_ WHO _ARE YOU_ ANYWAY!**"

"_Anzu…I'm your mother!_"

(A/N: GAG!)

"**NO YOU _AREN'T!_**" Anzu screamed, stamping her feet childishly, "**HOW _DARE_ YOU SAY THAT! YOU COME DOWN HERE _RIGHT NOW!_**"

"_Here's an idea. Why don't YOU come up HERE, dollface?_"

"**There is _NO WAY_** **I'm going up there to see** **_YOU!_**" Anzu shouted.

"_Why don't you come up here and see your mother?_"

"**I WILL _NOT_ 'CUZ YOU ARE _NOT_ MY _MOTHER!_**" Anzu shrieked, "**NOW _LEAVE!_ ME! _ALONE!_**"

Anzu sat back down in the chair in frustration.

* * *

"_Anzu…she keeps her undergarments in the freezer!_" 

"**I DO _NOT!_**" Anzu yelled.

"_Here's a question: Why the freezer? Dya like having frostbite on yer ass or somethin'?_"

"**I _DON'T_ PUT MY _UNDERGARMENTS _IN THE _FREEZER_!**" Anzu shouted, positively frothing now.

In the audience, Mutou Yugi, Honda Hiroto and Jounouchi Katsuya sat in the ninth row, dumbfounded.

"Guys, I think Anzu has gone off th' deep end!" Jounouchi exclaimed.

"Whaddya mean? We're not at the pool…are we?" Honda exclaimed, looking pathetically horrified.

The others shook their heads.

"I can't see who Anzu is talking to guys. Do you?" Yugi asked.

"Naw." Honda said, "But I'll bet it's th' same voice who's been rippin' on everyone else."

"Y' might be right." Jounouchi nodded. (might be?)

"_Now you know…Anzu!_"

"**No they** **_don't!_**" Anzu screeched, "**They no _nothing_ about me! You're _not _my mother! I do _not_ stuff peanut butter in my shirt**… **I _DON'T_ PUT MY _UNDERGARMENTS_ IN THE _FREEZER_, I AM _NOT_ IN _LOVE_ WITH AN _OPOSSUM_ NAMED_ CLETUS-!_**"

"_Sure thing, Rodent Lover!_"

Anzu screamed, tearing out large handfulls of her hair, and stormed off the stage.

* * *

HeartofDragon had seemed truly distracted to that morning, so Shinigami Goumon knew something was up as she lowered the screen to unveil the field report. 

"_HoD! are you ready?_" Shinigami asked.

"**_Yeah, whatever._**" HeartofDragon said huffily, clearly in a bad mood.

"_Aww…is it your time of the month too?_" Goumon asked sympathetically.

"_**And what of it?**_" HeartofDragon snapped.

**_"This oughta make things interesting!"_** Shinigami thought cheerfully as the grumpy HoD began.

"**_'kay._**" HeartofDragon huffed, "**_In this episode we have tha shmucks from Shinzo!_**"

She quickly scooted up to the bunch of humans and Eteran and weird robot lookin' thingys.

"Huh? Who're you?" Binka asked, looking up at the two toned eyed woman who had mysteriously appeared outta nowhere

"**_I am HeartofDragon!_**" she declared as cheerfully as she could muster, "_**Field correspondent for Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! which you are now on!**_"

* * *

She then pulled out her ball and activated it. 

"**_Hey!_** What's goin' on?" Kutal cried, "What is all this?"

"Its just somethin' to keep you here-I mean to transmit the signal of our camera!" Loki drawled, rolling his eyes at his boss who continued.

"**_We will start with th' little girl there!_**" HeartofDragon declared.

"_**Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!**_" she cried unenthusiastically.

"_**Binka…she absolutely hates Yakumo with every fiber of her being, and wants to push her off a cliff!**_" HeartofDragon yelled dramatically.

"I do **not!**" She cried, indignantly, vlose to tears, "I **_love_** Yakumo!"

"**_Uh-huh. Sure you do..."_** HeartofDragon sneered.

Binka began to bawl and Yakumo patted her shoulder.

* * *

The light spun to Kutal, who was now nervous, 

"**_Kutal…he still eats humans when Binka and Yakumo aren't looking!_**" HeatofDragon shouted accusingly.

"I-why I neh-I do **not!**" Kutal sputtered, "I never**_ ONCE_** ate a human!"

"**_Then what's this recipe for Yakumo stew and Binka dressing?_**" HeartofDragon asked tauntingly.

A sheet of paper appeared in her hand and she waved it in front of his face.

"**KUTAL!** How **_COULD_** you!" Mushra yelled fiercely at the overstuffed cat man

"I was just hungry when I wrote that! That's all!" Kutaull snapped defensively.

"**_Yeah, sure…ya sick freak._**" HeartofDragon said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

* * *

Loki snickered as she was bashing the Eteran. 

"**_Hey Sparky! Got any input?_**" HeartofDragon asked with a small grin.

Loki's face collapsed into a glare.

"Uh, no." He snapped, looking like he wanted rip her head off, "For **CHRIST'S SAKE**, **_woman!_** My name **ISN'T** Sparky, **_DAMNIT!_** Could you at** LEAST** get it right **_ONCE?_** Is that **SO MUCH** to ask? **_Just once!_** Ya know something? I don't think you even **know **my name!"

"**_Hey! I know your name, damn it!_**" she snapped as he began to tremble.

He just realized what he had done.

Messing with her and SG in this time of month was like poking an Africanized Bee's nest-reeeeeeeeeally stupid!

"**_Damnit all, Loki!_**" HeartofDragon snarled, eyes flashing dangerously, "**_I know your fucking name! It's just that the first time we met, you electrocuted me! I called you Spark Plug, you thought it was funny, so I called you Sparky ever SINCE!_**"

"I forgot about that..." Loki mumbled.

"**_Its why you got the FUCKING job in the FIRST PLACE you JERK!_**" HeartofDragon snapped, "I**_ REALLY oughta make youPAY for that!_**"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Loki begged, "I didn't mean it! Don't kill me!"

* * *

She was about to pull one of her levers when the water Eteran spoke up. 

"Hey, you bitch!" Saago shouted, "First you bash my friends then your gonna kill yours? What kinda of monster are you? You heartless wench! Why doncha just let us out of here!"

-twinge-

"**_…okaaaaay….I'll let you out._**" HeartofDragon said slowly, a vindictive grin appearing on her face "_**SO YOU CAN TRY TO RUN!**_"

She was pissed now.

More pissed than ten thousand hornets who were doused with water.

The Eteran would regret his words as she transformed to her true form, a twelve-and-a-half foot, blood-red dragon.

She stood on her own two feet with gold bangles, chains and horns, and was all together frightening.

"Okay, THAT was a mistake." Saago mumbled, wetting himself as HeartofDragon yanked down the release lever

"**_You BETTER start running!_**" she growled deeply, laughing evilly as Loki quaked behind his camera.

* * *

Back in the studio, Shinigami Goumon knew that there was only one way to keep her buddy HoD from killing the Eteran. 

Quite calmly, she flipped open her infamous cell phone and dialed up a certain inu-youkai of the western lands whom we all know and love.

"_Yo, Se-kun? SG here._" Shinigami said casually over the phone, observing with amusement as HeartofDragon chased down Mushra, breathing fire all the while, "_Ya, everything's cool on my end. But it seems like things would be so much better if you were here._"

There was a pause and a wide smirk filled Goumon's face.

"_Yeah, she started too._" Shinigami laughed, "_So you'd better get here, like now, or your wife is gonna kill someone, and really, do ya really wanna hafta deal with another law suit?_"

Goumon and the person on the other end of the line hung up at the same time.

She twirled in her chair; she was loving it!

* * *

Back on scene HoD currently had Saago, Kutal and Mushra cornered, in a dump of all places. 

Her own rage activated power, made theirs shut down, leaving them…well…pretty much as powerful as a paper bag.

"Any last requests, douchebags?" HeartofDragon grinned maliciously.

'Yeah…could you not kill us?" Mushra whimpered as they looked up into the burning eyes of rage.

"**_You'd LIKE that, WOULDN'T YOU Mushra, you child raping MASOCHIST!_**" HeartofDragon roared, "I**_ know for a FACT you take pictures of little girls in the shower and BURN YOURSELF!_**"

"How'd you know that...?" he asked meekly, the others looking at him in disgust, as a voice spoke up behind the towering dragoness.

"…dear, you shouldn't kill them." The voice said mildly, "…after all, they are the heroes."

* * *

HeartofDragon whirled around. 

"**_Sesshykins?_**" HeartofDragon asked sweetly, almost instantly turning back to normal and glomping onto him.

"**_Sehehehehsheeeeeeee!_**" she bawled, "**_WAAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA! Th-they called me the wuh-word I don't like!_**"

"…really? " Sesshoumaru said coolly as he gave a an arctic glare at the blue man in the middle.

"**_I'm sowwy Sesshy._**" HeartofDragon blubbered, "**_I couldn't help it! I'm just having a weewwy bad day!_**"

"Let's go." Sesshouaru sighed, "There are Oreos and fudge waiting for you at home."

"**_Okies..._**" she said as they left

* * *

"**WHAT! NO _APOLOGY?_ SHE TRIED TO _KILL US!_**" the Shinzo cast cried. 

From out of nowhere, Rosie O'Donnell plummeted from the sky, crashing on top of them.

Her jowls jiggled as she began to speak.

"'m hungry." She muttered as she eyeballed Kutal.

"_There's your apology._" Shinigami snorted, "_Never mess with someone at that time of month, BOYO. Especially someone on my payroll who happens to be a friend._"

They moaned and fainted from lack of air as the youkai lord carried his wife home to recover.

Loki shuddered behind his camera.

"Man…glad that's over." He muttered, "'m never gonna get mad at her for calling me Sparky again. Th' last thing I need is that fat lard Rosie on me. Ulg!"

Loki shuddered again as the camera –blp-d off.

* * *

(A/N: Who's up next? I'm not sure! R&R!) 

(P.S.: To anyone out there who has the complete lyrics to Invader Zim's "The Doom Song"? I'm looking for them…and would love you for-eh-ver if you sent them to me!)


	16. Shinigami On Strike!

(A/N: Heya! I'm back! Sorry this took s'long. Writer's block is a bitch! But now I'm back. So please enjoy!)

* * *

Shinigami Goumon sat huffily in her spinny chair, arms crossed huffily, a picket sign duct tapped to its back. 

It read:

**"DOWN WITH GREEN JELLO!"**

Laith and Banshee were, for once in their lives, not fighting.

And for good reason.

The audience was beginning to riot.

"Lady Goumon?" Laith asked tentatively, "The show?"

"_The show will wait!_" Shinigami snarled, "_I will not rest until Green Jello vanishes from the face of this earth!_"

"But Shinigami-chama!" Banshee whined.

"_NO BUTS!_" Goumon snarled, "_THE GREEN JIGGLING MASS OF EVIL MUST DIE!_"

Laith and Banshee looked on as their employer ripped the picket sign off the back of her chair, screaming, "_DOWN WITH GREEN! UP WITH RED! RED IS THE COLOR OF BLOOD! AND THEREFORE, SO MUCH BETTER!_"

She stormed out of the booth.

* * *

Banshee looked at Laith, cat ear twitching, tail swishing back in forth out of agitation. 

"Whaddle we do?" she asked worriedly.

Laith sighed, kitsune tail resting calmly, ear giving a light twitch.

"We'll just have to do the roast ourselves today." He sighed, sitting down in the spinny chair.

"…is that legal?" Banshee asked.

Laith shot her a glare.

"Now let's see…" he murmured, picking up a notepad on the control panel, "It says, 'Ameri/Italime To Bash- Winks Club, W.I.T.C.H., etc.'."

"Lets do this thing!" Banshee hooted, abruptly changing her tune.

Laith blinked at her.

"Why the mood shift?" he asked.

"I** HATE** W.I.T.C.H.!" Banshee cried.

"Ah. I get it now." Laith smirked, flipping on the mike.

* * *

**_"Hello there, all you people in T.V.land. Shinigami Goumon is currently on strike against the evil that is…um…green jello…so Banshee ("HI!") and myself, the name's Laith, will be taking over for the duration."_**

Banshee took the mike.

"**_Our first victim issssss_…BLOOM! _COME ONNN DOWN!_**"

The fairy with the bloated head and hips fluttered down from the audience and took a seat on the stool of doom.

"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!" Laith sneered.

"Bloom…she's an illegal immigrant!" Laith thundered.

"Wuh-**_WHAT?_** N-no'm not!" Bloom cried, looking shiftily from right to left.

_**"Don't deny it!"**_ Banshee cried accusingly, **_"Everyone_ KNOWS_ you immigrated from Italy ILLEGALLY you hairy legged freak!"_**

"Buh-but I came here legallyand**MYLEGS_AREN'T_HAIRY!**" Bloom cried indignantly, "That the **_FRENCH!_** I **_HATE_** the French!"

"Of course they're not." Laith sneered sarcastically, running his finger through his tail casually, his large ears twitching slightly.

"They **AREN'T!**" Bloom screeched.

**_"So now she has hairy legs and she's a Frensh hater?" _**Banshee tsk-ed, **_"Bay-ad Bigot Girl! Some o' my best friends are French!"_**

"And I care cuz **_WHY?_**" Bloom cried, "My legs **aren't** hairy! Don't you **_dare_** compare me to the French!"

"Viva Le France!" Laith sneered.

"**Grrr!**" Bloom growled.

* * *

**_"Bloom…she's secretly Paris Hilton in disguise."_** Banshee snickered, tail swishing, ears twitching happily. 

"Puh-Paris Hil…**_I AM _NOT!**" Bloom cried, totally outraged.

"Tut tut, Paris." Laith chided, "No need to hide it anymore."

"**_IAMNOTPARISHILTON!_**" Bloom shrieked ripping out chunks of her hair.

**_"There's nothing to be ashamed of."_** Banshee grinned, _**"Well…besides the sex tape…and '"The Simple Life"'…and your effed up eye…"**_

"Your denial of your bulimia…" Laith ticked off, "…your denial of your anorexia…your obvious animal abuse…"

"**ANIMALABUSE?**" Bloom bellowed, "**I'D _NEVER_ HURT AN ANIMAL!**"

_**"Oh, and DON'Tyou call what you dress that poor Chihuahua up in abusvive?"**_ Banshee shot back.

"_And **Now** You Know…**Bloom!**_" the pair sang together.

"**NO THEY _DON'T!_**" The fairy shrieked.

"We don't care." Laith drawled, pushinga smilely facebutton.

_**"Bye-bye!"**_ Banshee grinned, waving furiously as Bloom was rocketed through the ceiling.

As her screams faded into the distance, the duo selected their next victim.

* * *

"**_Our next contestant issss_…CORNELIA HALE!_ COME ONNN DOWN!_**" 

The blonde girl strode gracefully down the stairs.

At the sight of her, Banshee hissed, tail fluffing up and ears flattening against her head.

"Eeeeeasy girl." Laith said, patting her head.

"Mrrrowrrrr-rrr." She growled, eyes completely focused on Cornelia, tail switching violently back and forth.

"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!" Laith began.

"Cornelia…she wishes that Elyon would hurry and die so she could live in peace." Laith smirked wickedly, watching Cornelia's eyes widen in horror.

"Eh-**Elyon!** Don't listen to this creep!" Cornelia sputtered.

"Cornelia! I **_TRUSTED_** **YOU!**" Elyon spat angrily.

**_"Hey, it's not YOUR fault you're _STUPID!_"_** Banshee hissed, eyes glowing green.

"**_HEY!_**" They shouted together.

* * *

"Cornelia…her real name is Corn Puffs!" Laith declared, and evil grin on his face. 

"**No it isn't!**" Cornelia yelled, shaking a fist, "My name is **_Cornelia! _**Say it with me! **COR-_NEEL_-YA!**"

**_"I'd rather NOT thank you..."_** Banshee growled, **_"…Corny McPuffypants!"_**

"**MY _NAME_ IS _NOT_ CORN PUFFS!**" Cornelia shrieked.

"**_Don't think we're done here, Cornelia!_**" Elyon shouted from the audience.

"Now You Know…Cornelia!" Laith smirked, "Banshee? Would you like to go say hi to our…'lovely' contestant?"

With a loud hiss, Banshee darted out off the booth and after Cornelia, claws outstretched.

"**YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**" Cornelia screamed leaping off the stool and dashing around the stage in an attempt to escape Banshee's ire, "**_CALEB!_ HELP ME!**"

"Why?" he asked, "This is funny!"

"You **_JERK!_**" Cornelia cried dashing out of the studio, Banshee hot on her heels, "**I hate you!**"

The familiar big screen slid out of the ceiling and Laith declared:

"And here's our Field Correspondent, HeartofDragon! HoD?"

* * *

The red-headed youkai with the mismatched eyes blipped on screen. 

HeartofDragon seemed back to normal after what had been dubbed, _"The Shinzo Scare."_

Her husband, Sesshoumaru, seemed to be able to work wonders, but truth in fact, he merely stuffed donuts full of Midol before the show and convinced her that she was really hungry.

He was currently praying they didn't wear off before she finished the segment as he watched her through the view screen.

"Gods help those poor souls if those blasted pills wear off..." he muttered.

"**_HELLO FANS!_**" HeartofDragon said cheerfully, "**_Today we roast our -koff- favorite preppys!_**"

She rushed up to the trio, talking about shoes, of all things.

"**_Howdy doody there girls!_**" HeartofDragon grinned.

"**WAAH!**" Alex squealed in surprise, her eyes noticeably vacant (and head noticeably empty) "Who're you?"

"**_I cooould be HeartofDragon!_**" she smirked, "**_And I cooould be the field correspondent for_ Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL!**"

* * *

"Wow! A T.V. show? **OOOO!** Just let me fix my make up!" Clover cried. 

She whipped out a huge make up case and desperately started applying it to her face.

"_**Waaaait **_a minute." The not-so-stupid-but-still-pretty-damn-dumb Sam said slowly (so as not to hurt herself) "I've never heard of that show. What is it?"

She caught, just then, a sight of the camera man, Loki, snickering madly at what his boss could do to them.

"_**That would be because...its viewed by DEMONS!**_" HeartofDragon crowed.

At that point she whipped out her trade mark ball and activated it, trapping the girls inside.

"**Hey!** Let us **_out_** of here! What are you **doing?**" Clover whined

"**_Not til I'm done!_**" HeartofDragon smiled evilly.

To make sure they would sit and take it, she pulled down a black and white lever and hands shot out and secured the girls to the stools with industrial strength super glue.

"**_ACK!_** Let us **go!**" Alex cried with her friend, trying to free herself from the stool.

"**_Tch! I said, not til I'm done!_**" HeartofDragon tsk-ed, wagging a finger at them, "**_Okay now...lets get to it!_**"

* * *

"**_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_**" HeartofDragon began. 

The light spun to Sam.

"**_Sam…she really isn't smart!_**" she laughed.

"Thats not true!" Alex protested, "Sammy's really smart!"

"**_YOU BE QUIET!_**"

She pulled another lever and Alex's mouth was promptly duct-taped shut.

The tape was then ripped off quickly sending a yelp from Alex.

Back in the studio, Sesshoumaru was shaking his head as what he feared was starting to happen already.

They were wearing off.

"_**Back to my bashing.**_" HeartofDragon declared, "**_Sam…she really isn't smart! Truthfully, she gets all of her smarty-pants-ness from a itty-bitty gnome that lives in her head and feeds her the answers!_**"

"There's no gnome in my head!" Sam cried indignantly.

"**_Sure…you say that now..._**" She pulled down a neon lever and all of a sudden, a **_verrry_** creepy garden gnome popped out of Sam's ear.

"**AAAAHHHH!**" Sam screamed, clawing at the thing, which popped back inside her head.

"_**Who doesn't have a gnome in their head again?**_" HeartofDragon grinned.

* * *

The light spun around to the still reeling Alex. 

"**_Alex…she hates all things cute and furry! That includes squirrels and turtles!_**" HeartofDragon sneered.

"Not true!" Alex huffed, "I love cute furry animals! **AND** I have a stuffed turtle named Oli! "

"**_Then whats this?_**" HeartofDragon asked not-so-innocently, whipping out a turtle plushie covered in squirrel blood with a knife plunged through it's eye.

"**Alex!**" Clover gasped, "I didn't know you could be so cruel!"

"**HEY! _You_ try and be sweet and up beat all the time and see if _you _dont have rage issues!**" Alex yelled as HeartofDragon continued to grin.

The light then whipped to Clover, the uber preppy blond that HeartofDragon despised.

"**_Clover…she's not a natural blond!_**"

"**WHAT!**" Clover bellowed, "**_I AM TOO!_**"

"**_Actually, she's completely bald!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, "_**She wears a wig!**_"

"I do** not!**" Clover screamed, "I am **not** bald! **OOO**-That's **IT!** Girls? Let's get her-Super Spy Style!"

The girls cut themselves free of the stools and went into spy mode.

"You're goin' **down**, crazy lady!" Alex screeched at the demoness, who only yawned.

* * *

"**_Hey Sparky, get a look at them!_**" HeartofDragon sneered. 

"**HAHA!** Thinkin' they can do somethin'!" Loki chuckled, shaking his head.

"**_Which lever...which lever..._**" HeartofDragon said thoughtfully, scanning each one with her eyes.

"How bout the greenish blue one?" Loki said helpfully.

"**_OOO! Thanks Sparky!_**" HeartofDragon grinned.

Loki rolled his eyes.

He knew when to choose his battles.

She pulled the lever and a huge barrel of rotting, putrid fish poured on top of them from nowhere.

"**EEEEWWWW!**"

"Ohh **GROSS!**"

"Totally **NASTY!**"

"**_Hehehe, let shed a little light on the sitchy-ation, shall we?_**" HeartofDragon suggested wickedly.

She pressed the button again and they were back in the mall, with a huge crowd gathered around.

* * *

"Well well, if it isn't the **losers!**" a familiar, nasally voice snickered, "What's that smell? Oh…never mind. It's just you! **EHAHAHAHAHAHEEEE!**" 

"**_Hey…only I get to rip on'em right now..._**" she smiled sadistically as the light fell on the black haired snob.

"**_MANDY! SHES ACTUALLY REALLY UGLY AND ANCIENT! SHE STEALSTHE YOUTHFROM CHILDREN TO MAKE HERSELF LOOK GOOD. SHE WEARS CLOTHES SHE FIND IN DISCOUNT STORES AND PASSES THEM OFF AS ORIGINALS BECAUSE SHE IS ACTUALLY BROKE! WHEN SHE WANT SOMETHING SHE STEALS FROM BLIND ORPHANS! TRUTH IN FACT, SHE'S A COLD, HEARTLESS, CRUEL, UGLY, BITCH THAT NO ONE LOVES!_**"

HeartofDragon was enjoying ranting about Mandy and letting off steam as the Midol wore off, and as Sesshoumaru rushed in and carried her away before she could get violent.

"**_Awwww!_**" HeartofDragon pouted, "**_But honey! I wan'ed t' get violent!_**"

"I know dear... but if you killed them you might get in trouble... and I really don't feel like bringing any of them back..." Sesshoumaru reasoned.

"_**M'kay honey...**_" she said collapsing in his arms and sucking her thumb.

She was asleep so fast, Sesshomaru had to finish.

"Ummm okay." He said slowly, "Well, now you know, Alex, Clover and Sam…I suppose. Back to you Shinigami."

"**SHE'S ON STRIKE!**" Laith and Banshee cried in frustration.

* * *

(A/N: Well there you have it! Will Shinigami come off strike? Will Laith and Banshhe have to roast again? Or will something wholly unexpected happen. But then again...this is KYS, so is it really all that unexpected? R&R!) 


	17. Fill In's & Freakshows

(A/N: Hey everyone! Yup, I'm still alive and kickin'! Just to letcha know, several authors are making cameo appearances in this chapter! So see if you're mentioned! READ ON!)

* * *

Banshee looked at Laith apprehensively. 

"Is Shinigami-sama still at it?" she asked, cat ears drooping and tail switching back in forth.

"Yeeeeee-up." Laith drawled, face a mask of composure, but tail disclosing his tension.

"But…but!" Banshee sputtered, "It's green **_jello!_** I'dve thought she'dve given **UP** by now!"

"Actually, they've gained supporters." Laith groaned, massaging his temples, "And now, they're boycotting against fat men in Speedos and fat women in thongs too."

"...**_waiiiiiit_** a minute…**they?**" Banshee blinked as it dawned on her, "**_You don't mean-!_**"

"Mm-hm." Laith grunted dismally, "HeartofDragon joined her protest the minute she finished her last broadcast."

"Oh **_NO!_**" Banshee screeched, clawing at the sides of her face, "Who'll do the Field Report! This is a **disaster!** We're gonna be **FIRED!** **_WAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**"

"Relax." Laith snorted indifferently, smacking the catgirl in the back of the head with a live raccoon, "We already** have** a stand in. Now let's get this over with."

"Okay." Banshee sniffed, rubbing the back of her skull.

* * *

**"Okay all you KYS fans, Banshee and myself will continue our temporary hosting duties as Shinigami-sama is still on strike."** Laith sighed into the mike. 

**"Our first Victim of the day isss…_MOTOMIYA DAISUKE! COME ONNN DOWN!_**" Banshee whooped.

Daisuke swaggered down the stairs, blowing kisses to the girls in the audience (who promptly shrank back) as he made his way to the stool.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_ Laith began.

_**"Daisuke…he has toes so webbed his alias is…**_**DUN_DUN_DUN-_NUH_-_NUHHHH!_** _**The Amazing Frog Man!"**_ Banshee cried.

"What th' **hell?**" Daisuke cried, "I do **_not_** have webbed **toes!** That's **_complete_** and **total** **_crap!_**"

Laith, smirking all the while,pressed a green button with a frog on it causing a tingle to shoot through Daisuke's feet.

"If you _didn't_ before, you _do_ now." He smirked.

"Whuh?" Daisuke blinked, tugging off his shoes frantically, "**_AAAAAAAAAUGH!_ WHAT DID YOU_ DO?_**"

He stared in horror at his froggy feet.

_**"What was that about webbed toes Amphibi-Man?"**_ Banshee giggled.

"**_Sh-SHUT UP!_**" Daisuke screeched, "**CHANGE ME _BACK _DAMMIT!**"

_"Now why would we do that?"_ Laith remarked.

_**"That wouldn't be any fun at all."**_ Banshee laughed as Daisuke let loose a snarl.

* * *

_"Daisuke…he's secretly been in love with Takeru since the first time he laid eyes on him!"_ Laith sneered. 

"**_WHAT?_**" Daisuke shouted.

_**"Ahhh, so** _**THAT'S _why you always mess his name up!"_** Banshee squealed, **_"You were nervous! How _KYOOOOOT!_"_**

"**DAISUKE YOU _SICK FUCK!_**" Takeru shouted from the audience, "**YOU BETTER STAY THE _HELL_ AWAY FROM ME!**"

"It's all a **_LIE, T.M.!_**" Daisuke screeched, "**WHY DOES _ANYONE _BUY _ANYTHING_ THESE PEOPLE SAY _ANYWAY?_ IT'S ALL A BUNCHA _BULL!_**"

_"Daisuke…"_ Laith drawled, _"…he still sucks his thumb at the age of twelve!"_

Daisuke's face went white.

"How did you-" he sputtered only to be interrupted by Banshee.

_**"And we have live action footage of you in your bedroom last night!"**_ she giggled, _**"Let's roll the clip, shall we?"**_

"No, let's **NOT **roll the clip!" Daisuke cried in a panic as the wall sized T.V. slid down and blp-ed on.

* * *

Daisuke, lay splayed out on his bed, thumb in mouth, burbling happily to himself. 

After a moment or two the thumb slid out of his mouth and Daisuke moaned out a name loudly in a voice choked with lust.

"**_Takeruuuu_**…**pleease**…**_morrrre_**…"

The distinct sounds of Takeru throwing up were heard emanating somewhere in the audience as the screen slid back up into the ceiling.

_"_**Who's**_ not in love with Takeru again?"_ Laith snickered.

"**I-I'm _NOT!_**" Daisuke stammered, beet red.

_**"Can anyone say, 'Denial'?"**_ Banshee laughed.

"I am **NOT **in _**denial!**_" Daisuke bellowed.

_"Somebody's in the closet."_ Laith smirked from the booth.

_"Now You Know…Daisuke!"_

"**Th-They do _NOT!_**" Daisuke sputtered, "**It's all a _lie!_**"

_**"Get off the stage."**_ Banshee said, _**"You're wasting time!"**_

Simultaneously,Laith and Banshee pressed the eject button, sending the leader of the digi-destined through the roof.

* * *

**_Outside the KYS Studios:_**

_"NO STOUTS IN SPEEDOS! NO THICK WAISTS IN THONGS!"_ Shinigami screeched in to a bullhorn, holding up a huge picket sign.

"**_STOUTS IN SPEEDOS ARE SCARY! THICK WAISTS IN THONGS ARE JUST WRONG!_**" HeartofDragon screamed, punching the air with her fist.

"**_DOWN_ WITH THE GREEN JIGGLING _MENACE!_**" HokageMastersShortaii and the crazy Kitsune-chan shrieked, marching around the soapbox Shinigami Goumon stood.

_"PEOPLE WHO WANNA WEAR BUTTFLOSS NEED TO GO THROUGH AN APPLICATION PROCESS!"_ Shinigami bellowed into the bullhorn.

"**_RICHARD SIMMONS NEED NOT APPLY!_**" HeartofDragon yelled.

**"_GREEN JELLO_ IS THE SOURCE OF _ALL THINGS EVIL!_**" Ashen Rose cried.

"**_DOWN_ WITH ROSIE _WANNABE'S_ IN _G-STRINGS!_**" BaDDtotheproverbialbone'DL screeched.

Laith and Banshee watched all this through a monitor and sighed exasperatedly as more and more people joined the cause.

"This shows no signs of stopping." Laith grumbled.

"Yuh-huh." Banshee nodded.

"Okay everyone, Let's go to our Field Correspondent." Laith drawled, "Can you hear us out there?"

* * *

The screen flew back out from the ceiling and a familiar, but different face appeared, "on location": a gorgeous silver haired man standing indignantly with a microphone. 

"Well…phwuhhh…hello foolish mortals." Sesshomaru muttered irritably, "Obviously, I am not my wife. She is still on strike with your psychopathic hostess. So I have regrettably been forced to fill in. Damn you Loki..."

"Hehehe." The youkai looked out from the camera and shrugged, "Its not **ALL **my fault, Fluffy. HoD **_made_** me make you."

Sesshomaru regarded the camera youkai icily.

"Only HoD may address me as Fluffy." He murmured frostily, "Do so again and the audience is going to know what the inside of your rectum looks like you miserable fool."

"_-glp-_Okay." Loki gulped, "You're obviously in a bad mood. So folks! We're not far from the studio now and we're about to sneak up on a certain little black bird demon! And with the mood ol' Sesh here is in, I think its gonna be some good bashin'!"

"Loki?" Sesshomaru said quietly, turning his head slightly to regard the shorter youkai.

"Yeah?" Loki replied nervously.

"Shut up." Sesshomaru murmured coolly approaching the target.

* * *

"**_Ehem!_**" he cleared his throat directly behind the youkai, making him jump. 

"Wha-what?" Karasu sputtered, whirling around, "What do you want? Who are you anyway, you handsome devil..."

There was a decidedly disgusted look on Sesshomaru's face as the crow demon promptly began to hit on him.

"I am filling in for my wife today, as field correspondent for a show called, Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! and you are my victim for today." Sesshomaru replied.

"Ohh victim…" Karasu purred, "You sound so tough big guy..."

_"Ughhh this man is disgusting..." _Sesshomaru thought in revulsion,_ "I think I will enjoy 'bashing' him..." _

"Well now, let us begin." Sesshomaru muttered, "To start, HoD lent me her favorite toy..."

He pulled the silver ball form his pocket and activated it, sucking all three into HoD's trademark.

"Know Your Stars…Know Your Stars…Know Your Stars…" Sesshomaru drawled.

"Karasu...he wears a mask because he actually has horrible halitosis!" Loki started, not wanting to be left outwhich irked Sesshomaru into peling him with a rather large rock he just happened to have in his pocket...

"Excuse me Loki." He murmured, "But I do believe that I am filling in for my wife…not you."

"Sorry, couldn't resist... eheheh." Loki laughed sheepishly as a welt formed on his head.

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes at Loki and proceeded with his roasting.

"Now then…Karasu…he really doesn't like birds." He said, smirking ever so slightly, "Especially large black ones. Truth in fact, he actually throws rocks at them whenever he sees one because they frighten him so."

He smiled slightly as the horny demon started tp grow enraged.

"Damn it, you stupid **mutt!**" Karasu cried, "I'm a **_crow demon!_** I would **never** hurt my own kind like that! _**Or**_ be afraid of them!"

"Ahhh, that's what you say." Sesshomaru smirked, "But I know what you really think... '

"**You**..." Karasu growled ferally, balling his hands into fists.

* * *

"Hehe…" Sesshomaru snickered softly, "Karasu…he absolutely adores bald men. In fact, he makes out with Renkotsu whenever he gets the chance." 

"I should know." Loki said, looking a little green, "I've seen him do it!"

"**You've seen _nothing!_**" Karasu screeched, "**I _love_ hair!** Long, smooth, silky, soft hair..."

Karasu eyed Sesshomaru's long mane with lust in his eyes.

"…you have issues." Sesshomaru murmured, "It's probably why no one wants to associate with you."

"**I am _so_ liked!**" Karasu cried indignantly.

"No. You're not." Sesshomaru muttered derisively, "But I can make it so you are. Now which lever was it..."

Sesshomaru scanned the many levers lining the walls when he spotted a bright pink one with a bow on it.

"There we are" he smirked.

Sesshomaru quickly pulled the lever and in a flash, Karasu was a living chibi.

"I've heard from Shinigami and HoD that girls love chibis." He drawled, "You'll soon be swimming in them..."

"**WHAT?**" Karasu cried, "**_GIRLS?_ I like _men!_ MEN! _NOT GIRLS!_**"

"Awww, but your sooo adorable now." Sessomaru taunted, now thoroughly enjoying himself. "Karasu…he only hits on men because he believes it to be amusing."

"**No I _DON'T!_**" Karasu screamed, "**I _LOVE_ MEN! I AM _NOT _STRAIGHT YOU _STUPID, FLEE BITTEN DOG BREATHED-!_**"

"Temper, Temper." He taunted, "You wouldn't want to make yourself cry because you got violent now would you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Karasu shrieked.

* * *

At this time the audience was rolling in laughter at the protesting chibi man on the screen, and Sesshomaru continued, enjoying every minute of it. 

"_Now I see why those two like this job." _He thought to himself.

"Karasu…he is a pacifist." Sesshomaru smirked.

"**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?**" Karasu bellowed.

"He would rather settle things in a peace circle than fight." He continued, "I mean really…does he look like he would want to fight anyone?"

"**_AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHH!_** Karasu screeched, "**_YOU'RE_ THE ONE WHO MADE ME LOOK LIKE THIS _YOU IDIOT! _AND I _SOOOOOOOO_ LOVE BLOWING THINGS UP! I'm not non violent! I'M _TOTALLY_ VIOLENT!**"

The chibi jumped up and down flailing his arms about, which just about sent Sesshomaru into a laughing fit; he looked just that stupid!

"Awww come on." Loki snickered from behind the camera, "Just admit that you're a hippie!"

"**NO! I'M!_ NOT!_**" Karasu screamed, "**I AM _NOT_ A_HIPPIE!_**"

"Thats not what your hippie friends say..." Loki sneered in a singsong voice, happy that Sesshomaru was letting him get away with this.

Some where off in the distance... "Make peace not war, little dude!"

"**_I'M NOT A HIPPIE OR A CHIBI GODDAMN IT!_**" Karasu shrieked.

"You clearly are, you delusional rat with wings." Sesshomaru smirked, "But unfortunately I believe I am out of time. Back to you in the studio!"

He smiled as Loki snickered at how much Sesshomaru had enjoyed himself and the focused returned to Laith and Banshee in the studio.

* * *

"Alrighty, I think we have time for one more." Banshee said, checking the clock as Shingami and HeartofDragon's screams blared out of the monitor on the control panel. 

"Agreed,." Laith nodded calmly, "Let's see….we have a request for…huh?"

"What izzit Laith?" Banshee blinked.

"It's a request that we bash…Sesshomaru and Jin Kaze Tsukai." Laith murmured.

"Th-the hostesses **husbands?**" Banshee replied shakily, eyes widening in fear.

"Mm-hm." Laith nodded, paling somewhat, "This is policydictates that we never turn down a request."

"We're gonna die…aren't we Laith?" Banshee mumbled numbly.

Outside the KYS Studio:

_"THE OVERWEIGHT MENACE IN THE PINK T-BAR MUST BE DESTROYED!"_ Shinigami bellowed into the bullhorn, pointing her picket sign at Rosie O'Donnell, who was now parading around with several retaliation protestors in nothing but bras, thongs and Speedos in almost every color of the rainbow.

"**On th' count a three everyone!**" Rosie yelled, "**ONE! TWO! _THREE!_**"

All at once, every overweight person, whipped around, bent over and mooned the protestors.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! IT BURRRRRRRNNNS!_**" HeartofDragon howled, "**_SG! SG! WHERE ARE YOU?_**"

_"I DON'T KNOW!"_ Shinigami sobbed, _"WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?"_

**_"DON'T GIVE UP!"_** Duskmon Kimura shouted, **_"WE CAN'T LET THEM WIN!"_**

**"_KEEP _FIGHTING_ EVERYONE!_" **TeenAnimeLover shrieked.

* * *

(A/N: Up next...Sesshomaru and Jin. R&R!) 


	18. Their Numbers Are Up! Jin & Sesshy

(A/N: I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! And with out any further adieu, here's the long awaited chapter 18! READ ON!)

* * *

Laith and Banshee quaked in fear, reading, re-reading and re-re-reading what was written in the letter just to see if the contents had somehow miraculously changed. 

But no.

There they were, plain as day, clear as crystal.

Two specific names that both demons were very familiar with: Sesshoumaru Taiyoukai and Jin Kaze Tsukai; the husbands of the hostesses.

"I'm gonna double check my health coverage." Laith mumbled, knowing that once this bashing was concluded, he was in for a serious beating, if not slow torturous death.

"I-Banshee-of sound…errr…body, do hereby bequeath…" Banshee mumbled to herself as she scribbled away on a piece of paper.

Laith, after looking over his insurance papers for the umpteenth time, tapped Banshee on the shoulder with a shuddering sigh.

"We cannot prolong the inevitable." Laith murmured.

"We can **TRY!**" Banshee cried, eyes brimming with tears.

"Let's just get this over with." Laith muttered, "The longer we wait, the more painful it will be."

Banshee looked ready to burst into tears as Laith lifted the mike.

* * *

"**_Alright Ladies and Gentlemen, Humans and Demons. Do we have a special bashing in store for you._**" Laith said listlessly. 

"**_Th-that's right!_**" Banshee stammered, "**_Our first victim today isss_**…**JIN KAZE TSUKAI! _COME ON DOWN!_**"

There were murmurs of surprise as the red haired imp happily soared down from the rafters, did a back flip in midair before rocketing down to the stool-o-doom, hovering criss-cross just above it, trademark grin on his face.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_ Laith began.

**_"Jin...he enjoys giving handjobs to destitue weasels!"_** Banshee yelled.

Jin roared with laughter. You'd of thought he'd of never heard anything so funny.

_"Jin...he's in love with a cactus!"_ Laith said tersely.

"Naw!" Jin grinned, "Ah'm in luv wit Shini!"

Laith and Banshee looked at each other. Did nothing effect this guy?

**_"Jin…he's actually an overgrown leprechaun!"_** Banshee cried.

"**_WHA'!_**" Jin cried, his normally perky face almost instantlycontorting in fury, "**AHM NO LEPRECHAUN! AH _'ATE_ THOSE GREEN SPORTIN' PANSEHS!**"

_"Now Jin…that's no way to speak about your mother."_ Laith said tauntingly.

"**YOU'LL BE LEAVIN' MEH MA _OUT O' THIS!_**" Jin bellowed, "**AHM _NOT_ A LEPRECHAUN**!"

**_"I'm shocked, Jin!"_** Banshee smirked, thinking upon it as merely another bashing that needed to be dealt with, **_"Talking that way about your dear old Dad!"_**

"**ME _DA_ WAS _NO_ LEPRECHAUN_ EITHER_ YEH DEAF _ARSE!_**" Jin roared, causing an F-5 tornado to form in the studio, "**AH _'ATE_ THOSE P'TATO EATIN' BASTARDS!**"

_"Hey Jin…leprechauns say what?"_ Laith sneered, catching Banshee's attitude.

"Wha'?" Jin blinked, looking confused.

**_"Exactly…Leprechaun Lad."_** Banshee giggled.

"**AHM NO_ LEPRECHAUN!_**" Jin screamed, "**NOT! _NOT!_ NOT! _NOT! _NOT!**"

_"Jin…he lives in fear of the Muffin Man."_ Laith announced.

"Whuh?...nah tha's jus' silleh." Jin smiled brightly, calming down almost instantly, and bringing the hurricane gales filling the studio to a screeching halt.

**_"Jin…he's cheating on Shinigami!" _**Banshee yelled, picking up the pace again.

Jin's face paled.

"Wha' did you say?" he growled, blue eyes narrowing in anger.

"_It's true. Sadly, he's cheating on Shinigami-sama with…a peach cobbler she left out on the kitchen counter!"_ Laith said dramatically, figuring, if he had to die, he may as well do it in style.

"**THA'S A _LIE!_**" Jin roared, the violent winds returning and sending several audience members flying from their seats, "**AH _DARE_ YEH T' SAY IH AGIN!**"

**_"How COULD YOU, Jin?"_** Banshee cried dramatically, **_"And with a month old cobbler too! You didn't even go out and get a fresh one!"_**

"**_'OW_ C'N YEH _CHEAT_ ON SOMEONE WIT' A _PAYSTRAY?_**" Jin bellowed, "**'N _B'SIDES!_ AH'D _NE'ER_ CHEAT! _NE'ER!_ NE'ER! _NE'ER!_**"

_"Jin…he's about to have his ass beat by his angry wife!"_ Laith smirked as Shinigami stormed into the studio and grabbed the Wind Master by a pointed ear.

"_What the HELL?_" Shinigami cried, glaring viciously down at him through golden-brown eyes almost concealed by copper bangs, "_YOU are supposed to be PROTESTING with ME!_"

"N-now hunneh…" Jin said pacifyingly, "R'member yer breathin'. R'member wha' th' doct'r said."

"_FUCK what that quack said!_" Shinigami shrieked, tightening her grip, finger armor digging into his overlarge ear, "_HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF IN THE EAR! YOU! OUTSIDE! PICKETING! NOW!_"

With that, the hostess stomped away, dragging her now squealing husband along for the ride.

"Now You Know…Jin!" Banshee and Laith sang together.

* * *

"Alright…onto even more worrisome prospects." Laith sighed his tail switching back and forth in agitation. 

"Jin was bad. Sesshoumaru will be...well...I dunno." Banshee shrugged, "I'm a little surprised, actually. I was terrified that Lady Shinigami was gonna kill us!"

"She's too distracted by that damn protest rally of hers." Laith said dismissively, "Now she's on The Evil Plot of Cheerleaders to Take over the World by Subliminal Messaging in Cheers, Men Who Refuse to Shave Their Backs but Insist on Going Shirtless in Public, Styrofoam, The Honda Element and the Scion xB."

"Huh?" Banshee mumble numbly, looking very, very confused, "Why the Honda Element and the Scion xB?"

"Because they look like cracker boxes." Laith said blandly.

"Ohhh…" Banshee said slowly.

* * *

_-Outside KYS Studios-_

"**_You've rounded up the renegade!_**" HeartofDragon shrieked upon seeing Jin.

"_Well of COURSE!_" Shinigami cried, still not relinquishing her grip.

"Hunneh? Could yeh leh meh go nah?" Jin asked offhandedly.

"**DOWN WITH CRACKER BOX CARS!**" UchinaTsuki screamed, waving a sign over her head.

"**ONE SHOULD _NOT _GET _SALTINE CRAVINGS_ JUST BY _LOOKING_ UPON AN _AUTOMOBILE!_**" Kinoshita Kristanite yelled, pumping her fist.

"**IT'S A _CONSPIRIACY_ I TELLSYA!**" Kawazuki Manami cried, wavinger her sign so wildly it smacked a random passerby in the head.

"_**DOWN WITH STYROFOAM!**_" HeartofDragon screamed atop her soapbox, "_**IT NEITHER SNAPS, CRACKLES, NOR POPS!**_"

"_IT IS THE DIET COKE OF PACKING PRODUCTS!_" Shinigami bellowed into a bullhorn, "_BUBBLE WRAP IS THE WAY OF THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!_"

"**MEN WHO _REFUSE_ TO SHAVE _AND/OR_ WAX THEIR BACKS HAVE _NO RIGHT_ TO GO _TOPLESS_ IN _PUBLIC!_**" Konomura Kiyoshi screeched, swinging his handmade sign over his head.

"**THEY HAVE _NO RIGHT_ TO MAKE OUR EYES_ BLEED!_**" Duskmon Kimura roared in agreement.

"**CHEERLEADERS NEED TO _VANISH_ OFF THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!**" TeenAnimeLover yelled brandishing her own sign that proclaimed _"DOWN WITH THE BRAINDEAD, SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING BARBIE DOLLS!"_.

"**THEM _AND _THEIR MIND CONTROLLING CHEERS!**" Ashen Rose and BADDtotheproverbialbone'DL shrieked in concurrence.

"_**CHEERLEADERS ARE SELECTED AT BIRTH, GIVEN LOBOTOMIES AND HAVE MICROCHIPS IMPLANTED!**_" Shinigami and HeartofDragon bellowed, leaving Jin feeling slightly put out.

* * *

_-Back In KYS Studios-_

"**_Our next victim isss…_SESSHOUMARU TAIYOUKAI!_ COME ON DOWN!_**" Banshee cried.

The silver haired husband of HeartofDragon glided gracefully to the stool and seated himself with poise.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_ Laith said calmly.

_**"Sesshoumaru…his real name is Mr. Robotron McSexbot!"**_ Banshee said laughingly.

Sesshoumaru said nothing, but his eyes did narrow a little when he heard his little brother and, by the sound of it, Jaken and Rin, laughing at his expense somewhere in the audience.

"My name…is Sesshoumaru, you miserable fool." Sesshoumaru said in a dangerously soft voice.

_"That's not what the Muffin Man said."_ Laith said smirkingly.

"…Muffin Man?" Sesshoumaru asked disinterestedly.

**_"Sesshoumaru…he's being stalked by the Muffin Man-!"_** Banshee began giggling.

_"-whom Jin the Wind Master lives in absolute fear of."_ Laith finished.

"…whom is this Muffin Man of which you speak?" Sesshoumaru asked, quirking an eyebrow slightly, "…and why would Jin fear him?"

_**"Sesshoumaru…"**_ Banshee pressed on, ignoring the lord of the Western Lands, _**"…he has a sick obsession with his uncle's feet."**_

That did it. Sesshoumaru's normally calm, composed face contorted in to an expression of just barely contained rage.

"Say that again." Sesshoumaru hissed.

_"Those corns, those bunions…those pus oozing sores, the fungus infected toenails…"_ Laith said in a seductive tone.

_**"Bet you're getting hard huh?" **_Banshee snickered as Sesshoumaru's eyes glowed red.

"You. Will. Die. Now." Sesshoumaru snarled, beginning to transform into his truest form.

_"I don't think so."_ Laith said calmly, pressing a button with the kanji for bean on it.

A hail storm of sealing sutras rained down on the demon lord halting the transformation and pinning him to the stool.

**_"Now then…"_** Banshee snickered, **_"Sesshoumaru…he wuvs his widdle bwudda to iddy biddy pieces!_**"

"I dare you to say that again." Sesshoumaru growled as the sounds of Inuyasha gagging could be heard emanating from the audience.

_"In fact…he would do absolute anything, including giving homeless ducks blowjobs, if it made Inuyasha happy."_ Laith smirked.

Sesshoumaru was far past his breaking point as a loud crash was heard as Inuyasha fainted and fell down the bleachers.

_**"Why, back when they were children, Sesshoumaru would even climb into the bath with widdle Inny!" **_Banshee coeed in a sickeningly sweet tone, **_"Even when Inny chan was perfectly capable of washing himself he STLL inisted on licking his baby brother clean!"_**

_"Isn't that sweet boys and girls?"_ Laith smirked as Yaoi fangirls everwhere began screaming/fainting with joy and Inuyasha went into a horror induced coma.

"Now You Know….Sesshoumaru!" the pair sang, punching the Eject button together, sending the demon lord outside the studio to join his wife in her protest rally.

_**"And Now we go to our temporary Field Correspondent, Loki!"**_ Banshee cried as the big screen slid down from the ceiling.

_"Loki, who do you have for us today?"_ Laith asked calmly.

* * *

"Hey all you KYS fans!" Loki smirked out at the audience, "Do **I** have a treat for**_ you!_** Today, I'm slamming the one, the only, **_Jelly Jiggler!_**" 

The blue man-thing, sitting in a chair that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, waved casually from behind Loki who whirls around and wastes no time getting right to it.

"Jelly Jiggler, I am your father!" Loki said, holding a Darth Vader Mask, complete with voice changer, over his face.

"Oh my god- **WHAT ARE YOU _ON?_**" Jelly Jiggler screamed, leaping from the random chair, "**IT'S NOT _TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!_**"

Immediately. Jelly Jiggler started spazzing out, wriggling and shaking like an effed up Jell-O mold.

Loki, smirking in a way that was all too reminiscent of his employers Shinigami Goumon and HeartofDragon, pulled out a blow gun and shot three loaded darts into Jelly Jiggler's thigh.

He didn't pass out, instead, he walked back to the chair robotically and took a seat.

A huge grin on her face, Loki cleared his throat preparing to begin…only to start gagging, falling to all fours and hacking up a hairball (ICKY!) That squared away, he was ready to begin.

"Know your stars! Know Your Stars!Know Your Stars!" Loki said smilingly, "Jelly Jiggler…he has a deep seated fear of office supplies."

"**_STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPLERRRRRRRRRRS!_**" Jelly Jiggler screamed, going into what was sure to be a long winded rant, "**PAPERCLIPS! THEY'RE OUT TO _GET ME!_ PUSHPINS! _TAPE!_ PENCILS!_ PENS!_ BRADS! _HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE PUNCHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!_ YES! I _DO_ fear them! _FEAR_ THE AWESOME POWER OF _OFFICE SUPPLIES!_**…especially paper clips…"

Loki looked out at the audience wryly.

"If it weren't for the fact that I get **paid**, I would have shot myself by now." He said, shaking his head.

"Jelly Jiggler…" Loki said again, a small smirk appearing on his lips as an idea formed in his head, "His **_REAL_** name is…**GEORGE_ W. _BUSH!**"

"Lies! **_LIES_** I say!** LIES!**" Jelly Jiggler cried, going completely spastic.

"God…this guy must King Spazmo of Tard-shire." Loki snickered as Jelly Jiggler smashed himself into a wall, making Loki and the members of the audience burst into hysterical laugh at his misery and woe.

"Jelly Jiggler…he's allergic to bellybutton lint." Loki snickered digging some out of his own bellybutton (EWWWWWW!) to demonstrate.

Jelly Jiggler, or George W. Bush to be accurate, began sneezing repeatedly.

"**FLAN WILL **_ACHOO_** CONQUER THE **_ACHOO ACHOO ACHOOO_** UNIVERSE!**" Jelly Jiggler declared.

"_**Oooof **_course it will, Georgey Porgey." Loki smirked, "Ahem…Now You Know…George W. Bush."

* * *

(A/N: Whose Up next? Will Shinigami And HoD come off strike? R&R!) 


	19. They're BACK!

(A/N: Thank you spank you reviewers! Onto the next chappie!)

* * *

"_Hey all! I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!_"

Laith and Banshee looked up at the familiar voice, Banshee's face filling with joy and a sadistic smirk flitting across Laith's lips.

"**SHINIGAMI-_CHAMAAAAAAAAAAA!_**" Banshee screeched, performing a flying tackle at her employer causing both of them to skid several feet across the floor, "**YOU'RE _BACK!_ YOU'RE _HERE!_ _YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!_**"

"All done protesting, I take it?" Laith snickered as Shinigami and Banshee clamored to their feet.

"_Mm-hmm._" Shinigami smirked maliciously, "_We won on all fronts. Ahhh what a sweet, beautiful, blood filled victory it was._"

"Lady Shinigami, are you ready to start?" Banshee asked, motioning towards the control panel were a basket of chocolate muffins and AMP awaited.

Shinigami looked at the buttons that caused so much misery fondly, recalling the pain they had wrought with sadistic pleasure.

"_Of course._" Shinigami grinned malevolently, "_It has been quite awhile. I wonder if I've gotten rusty?_"

"Let's find out then…shall we?" Laith smirked as Shinigami Goumon began scanning the audience for a victim, which was quickly found.

* * *

"**_ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHT ALL YOU KYS FANS!_**" Shingami boomed, "**_I'M SHINIGAMI GOUMON! OFF OF STRIKE AND HERE TO RESUME MY HOSTING DUTIES!_**" 

There was a loud round of applause and cheering.

"**_And our first sacrifice of the day isss…_ZOFIS!_ COME ONNNN DOWN!_**"

The mind manipulating Mamodo of strode down the stairs arrogantly, stealing the lollipop from a baby as he went. He then took a seat, folded his arms and waited impatiently for The Voice to start.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_"

"_Zofis…he-I mean she-I mean…oh whatever, is in the middle of a gender crisis that's befuddling us all._"

"**_WHAT?_**" Zofis snarled, eyes flashing red, "**WHAT** did you say you _**miserable**_ little **pissant?**"

"_Its true. This androgynous asshole simply refuses to make up his and/or her mind._"

"**WHY YOU _MISERABLE_ LITTLE _WORM!_**" Zofis bellowed as Koko tensed up in her seat in the fourth row, ready to defend her Mamodo's honor.

"_Resulting in migraines the size of Russia for me when I have to listen to these two get into it over which you are._"

From within the control booth, the familiar sounds of Laith and Banshee arguing viciously could be heard.

"She's a **girl **you moron!" Laith growled, his ears flattened back against his head, taking a swing at Banshee's head with a Sumo Wrestler, "No guy would ever degrade himself purposely by-!"

"Don't belittle my gender buttmunch!" Banshee screeched, swinging Jelly Jiggler –AKA- George W. Bush, at Laith, "He's most definitely a guy! Only a guy would be so-!"

On and on it raged, and it would have continued if not for the actions of a certain audience member.

* * *

"How dare you speak to Milord Z that way!" Koko hissed, springing to her feet and opening her spellbook. 

From within the booth, Shinigami grinned wickedly as she pushed the familiar magenta button, causing the pair of mechanical hands to drop from the ceiling and snatch it from the possessed teen's hands.

The danger out of the way, Shinigami continued.

"_Just pick a gender and stick with it please._"

"**I'M _NOT_ HAVING A _GENDER CRISIS_ YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE**…um…wh-what are you exactly?" Zofis asked, a slightly puzzled looked on his and/or her face.

"_I'm mean come on! Guy…or girl. Draw straws, roll some dice, pick a card any card, but choose for the love of all things anime!_"

"I swear when I get that book back-!" Koko growled from her seat only to be interrupted by the voice.

"_Zofis…he's only controlling Koko to get Sherry's undivided attention._"

"**_WHAT?_**" Zofis shouted.

"Wh-what…?" Koko whispered, eyes wide in disbelief.

"_That right, he…or she…has been in love with Sherry ever since she…or he…first started stalking her on the streets._"

"**KOKO!_ IGNORE_ THAT LYING**…_**WHATEVER SHE IS!**_" Zofis screeched.

"_Pretty clichéd, you freaky little stalker you. Using your girl like that just to get to her best friend? That's like, every other Maury episode known to man!_"

"Zofis…that'd better be a **lie.**" Koko growled, tears dancing in her eyes as she began to look very reminiscent of a Jerry Springer guest who just discovered their mate had been cheating.

"**_I can _NOT_ believe you're actually _LISTENING_ to that wretch!_**" Zofis cried.

"_I mean, poor Koko! What about her needs?_"

"**YEAH, ZOFIS! WE'RE THROUGH!**" Koko sobbed running the studio.

"_**Koko!**_" Zofis yelled after her, looking like he…or she…had every intention of following but from her control room, Shinigami pressed a button with a :D emoticon emblazoned on it, causing a metal manacle to clamp around his thighs.

"_Comfy?_"

"I'll kill you." Zofis snarled, squirming beneath the manacle's grasp.

* * *

"_Now then…Zofis…he tap dances with Minako the Squirrel-faced Sailor Senshi in floor shows from seven to nine!_" 

"**That is the most _LUDICROUS_ thing you've said all day!**" Zofis cried, "**And who the_ HELL_ is Minako the Squirrel-faced Sailor Senshi?**"

"**I AM _NOT_ SQUIRREL-FACED!**" Minako screamed from the audience, looking ready to kill something.

"_Oh come now, don't be shy!_"

"I've made it a point to **NEVER **do anything so effeminate as tap dance!" Zofis snarled, his…her dress swishing about his ankles, "And…whothehellareyou?"

Minako, in a fit of rage, had stormed down from the stands and had joined Zofis on stage.

"_And what a co-winky-dink! There's his/her partner now! Are you guys gonna do a show for us?_"

"**_I DON'T TAP DANCE!_**" Zofis yelled, "**_I don't even know who the hell _THIS _bitch is!_**"

"I want to set the record straight that I'm not Squirrel-faced!" Minako snarled, "I've never even met this guy before today!"

"_What do mean? Your performance last night was flawless!_"

"**_WE DON'T TAP DANCE!_**" They screamed together.

In her booth, Shinigami pressed a button with a top hat and cane and another with an engraving of a pickle on it.

In a flash, Zofis and Minako were a pair of pickles dressed in tap outfits.

"_Now you do!_" Shinigami sang.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!_**" Minako shrieked upon seeing her bumpy, wrinkled complexion, "**_Screw being called Squirrel-faced! This is_ HORRIBLE!**"

"**I swear to god _I'll GET YOU WOMAN!_**" Zofis roared.

"_Now You Know…Zofis!_" Shinigami said happily, "_Now off my stage! The both of ya!_"

Shinigami slammed a hand down on the smiley face marked EJECT button sending the two rocketing through the ceiling.

* * *

"_Ahhh…I'd forgotten how fun this is._" Shinigami sighed happily, "_Man I love my job._" 

Laith and Banshee, still dueling with the poor Sumo Wrester and Jelly Ji-I mean G.W.B., ignored her and continued their heated argument over Zofis's gender.

"**_He's a _guy_, jackass!_**" Banshee shrieked, clobbering Laith over the head.

"Please stop that. It hurts." G.W.B. moaned as Banshee prepared to strike again.

"She…is a girl!" Laith snarled, bringing the Sumo Wrester down on Banshee's skull.

"Itaiii…" the poor random Sumo guy whimpered.

Grinning like a maniac, Shinigami turned back to the audience to select another vict-I mean contestant.

And she spotted one instantly.

If memory recalled correctly, Shinigami remembered distinctly that HoD had told her about this one attempting a Gum-Gum attack in her studio.

Shinigami smirked to herself.

She always had had it out for that rubberband bastard.

* * *

**_"Our next fatality isss…_MONKEY D. LUFFY! _COME ONNN DOWNNNNN!_**" 

The rubber band man shot his hands up, grabbed a hold of the roofing joists, and swung himself, laughing hysterically, on stage and onto the Stool o' Doom.

"_Luffy…he's pregnant with Chopper's baby!_"

"**WHAT!**" Luffy screeched, springing to his feet, "**_No I'm not!_**"

"_How COULD YOU? Raping a poor, innocent child!_"

"**I _DIDN'T_ RAPE _ANYONE!_**" Lufy cried angrily, veins pulsing in his fists.

"_So you're saying it was consensual?_"

"Ye-**NO!**" Luffy screamed, a look of terror passing across his face from nearly being trapped.

"_That's still considered statutory rape y'know._"

"**_I NEVER RAPED ANYONE!_**" Luffy bellowed, "**I NEVER EVEN _TOUCHED_ CHOP**-"

Lufy never got a chance to complete his answer as Shinigami Goumon, with a twisted smile on her face, pressed a button that read: **_SILENCIO!_** and a strip of 40mph duct tape slapped itself over his mouth.

"_Much better. God I hate your dubber...actually, scratch that. I hate you about fifty-seven times more than your dubber!_"

Luffy shouted out, what was presumed to a string of expletives, and gave an innocent airspace the finger.

Poor airspace.

It has to seek out counseling now.

* * *

"_Luffy…his hobby is molestering yellowtail._" 

"**NMPH-_MMPH_-MMPH-_MMPH!_**" Luffy cried out through the duct tape.

"**_Meet me after the show you sick freak!_**" Zatch screeched from the audience.

"_Luffy…he's jealous of Duo Maxwell's braid and has made thirteen consecutive attempts to hack it off during the night!_"

Rabid Duo Fangirls swarmed the stage and had to be fended off by the Officer Jenny Battalion and the M.I.W.'s.

"_Luffy…he wants to make love to my grandma!_"

Luffy's eyes went wide with horror as he reach for the duct tape and ripped it off…his lips going with it.

"**_EEEEEEEWWWW!_**" Nami shrieked.

"Luffy, you **idiot!** Get your lips back on **_right now!_**" Zolo shouted from the audience.

After heeding the green haired swordsman and retrieving his lips from the silvery sticky horror, he sewed them back on with a random needle and thread that had appeared out of nowhere and whipped around to deal with the voice.

"Now that's just **sick**, you **_freak!_**" Luffy cried through his newly sewn lips, "I would** NEVER-!**"

"_So what? My Gram-Gram's not GOOD ENOUGH for you?_"

"Uh-um-err…" Luffy stammered, sweating profusely, "That's not what I-"

"_Oh, so you WOULD screw her then?_"

"**NO!**" Luffy screamed, nearly causing him to lose his lips again.

"_So what's wrong with her, huh? She's got great gams for a lady her age!_"

"But she's **gotta** be at least **_sixty!_**" Luffy cried.

"_And yet you stilllll wanna bone her._"

"**_NO!_**" Luffy screamed jumping up and down, "**NO_NO_NO_NO_NO_NO_NO!**"

* * *

"_Luffy…he's about to meet my pet, Mr. Cuddlysnugglemuffins!_" 

"…hwuh?" Luffy blinked as a tiny white box rocketed down from the ceiling, landing at his feet, and barriers were raised around the audience.

The lid to the box sprang open and…a fluffy, perfectly adorable, white bunny-rabbit popped its head out.

"Aww…" Luffy cooed, instantly calming down, "How cu-"

The rabbit suddenly bared four rows of razor sharp fangs and dove for the rubberband man's jugular.

There was a brief struggle, where the entire audience cheered on the rabbit, and then finally, Luffy was still.

After his blood pooled on the floor next to his lifeless body, where the bunny was still chewing on his nose, Choppers whoops, squeals and shouts of happiness could be barely be heard over the rest of the cheering crowd.

"_Now You Know-I mean KNEW…Luffy!"_

"_Woot! I'll have to thank King Arthur for selling me that rabbit!_" Shinigami Goumon hooted (for everyone who hasn't figured it out, it's the man-eating bunny fromMonty Python and theHoly Grail).

"**_And nowontoour field report, withField Correspondent, HeartofDragon!_**"

* * *

"**_Hey out there! Didja miss me?_**" HeartofDragon grinned, showing off her pointed eye teeth, "**_I'm off strike and ready to get tight to it! My victim to day is Aizawa Minto!_**" 

The snobby rich girl was examining her reflection in the camera lens, not even realizing it was on.

"**_Here's your stool!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, yanking down a lever and ready to begin.

"**_Know your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_**" HeartofDragon said enthusiastically.

"**_Minto…she's a half-rotted yam!_**"

"I most certainly am **NOT!**" Minto sputtered, "How** DARE** you insinuate such a thing!"

"**_Then what's with all the flies?_**" HeartofDragon asked innocently, yanking another lever.

"That was **YOU!**" Minto cried, pointing at the blood haired youkai accusingly, "I want an attorney!"

**_"Minto…_**" HeartofDragon continued happily, ignoring the twelve year old, _**"…she thinks Zakuro is a self-absorbed whore who needs to get a breast lift and a life!**_"

"**AAAAAAAAAAUGH! _NOOOOOOO!_**" Minto cried, looking around frantically in case her idol happened to be near, "**IT'S _NOT_ TRUE! _NOT_NOT_NOT!_**"

"**_Then why are you the president of the I Hate Zakuro Club?_**" HeartofDragon asked.

"**I'M _NOT!_**" Minto shrieked.

"**_Minto…she's in a not-so-secret alliance with the Aliens, Saint Rose Crusaders and the Akatsuki to take over the world!_**" HeartofDragon cried dramatically.

Minto's eyes went wide and she looked around furtively.

"Who told you?" she demanded to know.

"**_Wow!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, "**_Was aiming off target, but hit a bullseye!_**"

"**_Minto…she's about to become acquainted with the Officer Jenny Battalion!_**" HeartofDragon sang, yanking down on another lever.

Suddenly, the the twelve year old bird girl was completely engulfed by a swarm of Officer Jenny's who were beating her unconscious with their Night Sticks.

"**_Now You Know…Minto!_**" HeartofDragon grinned, "**_Back to you in the studio!_**"

* * *

(A/N: What's this? Another new assistant? Who will it be? R&R!) 


	20. A New Partner In Crime!

(A/N: Sorry this took so long! Writer's block is SUCH a BITCH! Anyhoo, here's the next instalment of Know Your Stars peeps! ENJOY!)

_

* * *

_

_"Hum dee dum, it's soooo hot."_ Shinigami sighed, leaning forward so she was physically on the A/C unit, _"Doncha think so Gir?"_ Shinigami sighed,

The hostess's newest partner in crime, Gir the robot and the Killer Bee, smiled up at her cutely.

"I don't…know." He said slowly, smile transforming into a grin before smacking himself repeatedly in the head while laughing hysterically.

_"Gir, you are just to cute!"_ Shinigami sighed, hugging the robot she pilfered from Zim tight, _"Now then, see anyone in the audience you like?"_

"Is th' taco man out there?" Gir asked hopefully, "If I don't get a taco soon, I'll explode. I do that sometimes."

_"Sorry. No taco man t'day."_ Shinigami sighed, handing her companion a taco from seemingly no where,_ "But no matter. You see anyone?"_

Gir munched away on his taco and peered around the audience.

"**OoooOOOO!**" Gir squealed, "Mr. Bee says he doos not like that guy!" (deliberate misspelling)

Shinigami followed where Gir was pointing and a sadistic smirk filled her face.

_"Excellent choice Gir."_ She snickered, flicking on the mike.

* * *

_**"ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY all you crazy fans! It's Time forrrrrrrr-KNOW YOUR STARS FREE FOR ALL!"**_

The audience erupted into cheers but knew better than to cheer for long and settled down before they faced the wrath of Shinigami's Pretty, Pushable buttons.

"_**I'm your hostess with the mostest, Shinigami Goumon! And while my co-hosts, Laith the Kitsune and Banshee the Hanneko are on vaca, I have my ever faithful sidekicks, Gir the Urkan Automaton and the Killer Bee!"**_

There was another round of applause as Gir plastered himself against the two-way glass and waved frantically, before turning to Shingami, smiling broadly.

"I love this show." He said blissfully as the Killer Bee buzzed around him on a string.

"_**Today's show is slightly different, humans and demons. Why you may ask? Because there are only TWO guests this round!"**_

Murmurs broke out among the audience members all wonder what Shinigami had been smoking.

"_**I know, I know! HIGHLY irregular for me. BUT! It isn't without reason, boys and girls. Because today's first sacrifice is none other than-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOO YUY!"**_

The audience exploded with loud screams and clapping as the emotionless Perfect Soldier descended from their ranks and sat down coolly on the Stool O' Doom.

* * *

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your_-_OOO! Something shiny!"_

Heero twitched as the Mysterious Voice From Nowhere that had driven Pilot 2 into a mental institution filled the air.

"_Heero Yuy…he thinks a duckling named Fred is his mother."_

"No. I do not." Heero replied crisply, "Whom my mother is is strictly classified information."

"_Did you hear that? He's ashamed of his own mother! Poor Fred! And she works so hard!"_

"I told you, and I needn't remind you I hate repeating my self-" Heero said coolly, "-whom my mother is…is really none of your business."

"_She even pulled triple shifts at Deja' Vu to feed you! You ungrateful child, you!"_

Heero pulled out a detonation device and prepared to send the **KYS: FFA!** Studios sky high, when-

"_Ah-ah-ahhh! I don't THINK so!"_

Shinigami inwardly cringed as she forced herself to press a sickeningly pink button.

Relena Peacecraft materialized out of nowhere landing just feet away from Heero. Her sudden appearance horrified Pilot 1 to the point where he lost his grip on the detonator.

"**HEERO!**" She cried passionately, launching herself at him, "Are you finally going to kill me now? I'm ready! Go right ahe-!"

**_-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTZZZZZZZZTTZZZZZZZZZZZT-_**

Relena appeared to hit an invisible wall as electricity coursed through her body, making her do the jerkiest, most spastic dance anyone in the audience (Heero included) had ever seen.

"**Oooo!** She was goin' all like dees!" Gir said happily, doing a very accurate interpretive dance to simulate Relena's movements while being fried.

* * *

"_Heero…he's the Hippie King of Santa Anna!"_

"Repeat that." Heero said coolly as a Flower Child in the audience cried out, "Make love not war, dude!"

"_Yes, Heero, the Hippie King, has ruled over the province of Santa Anna for many a year."_

"I. Am not. A hippie." Heero said, looking nervously back and forth, "Frankly, they frighten me."

"_And the hemp fields sway gloriously to and fro in the wind, the sky perfumed with Yes-I-Can-nibus smoke."_

"I'm not the Hippie King." Heero said tersely, sweating quite a bit as a whole camp of them form around the Stool O' Doom singing anti-war songs and weaving flower wreaths that were all tossed in his general direction.

"_They seem to think differently, your High-ness. Hee hee hee!"_

"I'm no Hippie." Heero growled, as ring of lowers landed on his head, "I am a terrorist. Ter-ror-ist. Spell it out you fool. T-E-R-R-O-R-I-S-T."

_"It's nice to know you can spell, your High-ness. But, there's still the matter of your subjects to tend to! Hee hee!"_

"We'll defend you, dude." A female hippie named Strawberry Dreams said dreamily, getting up close and making Heero **_verrrrry _**nervous.

"Fight the power, man!" a male hippie named River Dance (pffffft!) said following Strawberry Dreams lead.

* * *

_"Hee hee hee!"_ Shinigami laughed from the booth,_ "The hippies are working out almost as well as that Pink Witch Relena."_

Gir who had been sitting peaceably in her lap uptil now, hopped off and stared up at her.

"I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a bit, kay?" he asked, the Killer Bee still buzzing away on the string her held in his hand.

_"'kay!"_ Shinigami grinned as she watched Gir flop onto his side, dragging the Killer Bee down with him as he spun around in circles.

_"I don't what Zim's problem is."_ Shinigami sighed, watching him happily, completely inattentive to the situation outside (Heero finally lost it and was going on a hippie killing spree),_ "He's just so kyoot!"_

After awhile Gir stopped ooked up at her, smiled and said-

"Yay! I'm gonna be sick!"

_"Hee hee!"_ Shinigami giggled, turning back towards the two-way mirror and, seeing the situation of Heero on his Hippie killing tangent, pressed the button that called in the M.I.W.'s (Yay! They make their triumphant return!) who quickly ushered out the remaining hippies (they numbered three) and forced Heero back into the stool.

* * *

"_There! Now that THAT'S all settled, Heero…he thinks that mechas are the source of all evil!"_

"…I am the Pilot of Wing Zero, you insufferable ass." Heero said monotonously, perfectly calm now that the hippies were gone, "How on earth could you draw such irrational conclusions?"

Shinigami pressed a psychotically reflective silver button, transporting a very sad Gir in front of Heero (if a teary-eyed Gir don't meltcha, nothin' will)

"Nnn…nnn…" Gir sniffled, his lower lip quivering (no idea how he does that since he's a robot)

"_OOOOOOOOO! Now you've gone and done it! You went and made Gir cry! AND managed to piss of a huge fan base in the process!"_

Gir disappeared from in front of the Perfect soldier as a huge horde of enraged Gir fnas loomed up behind him.

"Nnn…I-I miss my taco." Gir whimpered, staring at the crumbs littering Shinigami's floor as the Horde descended on Heero.

"_Now you know-I mean knew, Heero! And now, on to our Field Report with HeartofDragon! HoD? You ready"_

As the screen came down, you could see the dragoness currently gliding on a pair of roller blades, totally slacking off.

_"Ehem... HoD?"_

The dragoness tripped over her own feet at the loudness of Shinigami's voice.

"_**Oops...um, hey there everybody!**_" HoD grinned, "**_I was just, sliding around town, gee you get the funnest looks from people when skate circles around them, not too mention make the most delightful sounds when you run over their feet!_**"

_"How true! But, who are you gonna roast today" _Shinigami pried.

"_**Me? Well, we have to find the lucky fella! I'll give ya a hint, he sure likes "the flame" in things!**_" HoD winked, now traveling at an humanly impossible speed down the streets, nearly colliding with multiple pedestrians.

"Hey! You there! What are you doing? Stop running into people!"

"**_Well what do you know?_**" HoD cried, coming to a sudden halt infront of his face, "**_Just the schmuhhhh-I mean guy I was looking for!_**"

"What? Who are you? And what are you doing!" he demanded as she began skating tight circles around him, making him very dizzy.

"**_Well, Mr. Mustang...I am HeartofDragon._**" she smirked, going faster, "**_And I am a Field Correspondent to a very popular show called...Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! which we'll start as soon as my camera man gets here._**"

The distinctive huffing sounds of someone whose been running for some time could be heard coming from not far away.

"**_Well there you are Sparky! What took you so long?_**" HoD taunted as all he could do was return her a dirty look.

"**_Shall we get started then?_**" she chimed as a very confused Mustang scratched his head.

"Look you freakish chimera, I don't know what you're up too but..." Mustang began…but was cut off when he found he was trapped in strange round device and a feeling of dread started to grow in the back of his mind.

"**_You were saying?_**" HoD asked absently, fiddling with a few more levers, "**_This is my own little world in here! And in here my word is law, now lets start the show!_**"

* * *

"**_Ehem...Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!_**" HoD began, a happy grin on her face, "**_Roy Mustang…is totally against women wearing mini skirts because he hates the sight of their legs!_**" 

"What!" Roy snapped, looking very pissed, "I totally love skirts!"

"**_Ohhh…so your a tranny?_**" she asked innocently.

"**NO! I MEAN SKIRTS ON _WOMEN!_**" Roy bellowed.

"**_But then you gotta see their scary legs, aren't the such a turn off to you?_**" HoD asked sympathetically.

"**HELL _NO!_**" Roy snapped, "**I _LOVE _SEEING THEIR LEGS!**"

"_**But not as much as you like seeing a nice, shaven mans leg…like, oh say, Edwards perhaps?**_" HoD asked, twiddling her thumbs.

"**YOU SICK** **_BITCH!_**" Roy screeched, turning red, "**I HAVE _NO_ INTEREST IN MEN!**"

"**_The louder you yell, more it sounds like blind denial._**" She smirked, _**"...you don't like Ed though, do you? You wouldn't care if I were to do something to him?**_"

"Of course I like Ed!" Roy growled as a huge grin spread across HoD's face, "... but not in that way! And you better not anything to him!"

"_**Really?**_" she asked not-so-innocently, "**_It sure sounds like you like-like Ed._**"

"**AAAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!**" Roy screamed, tearing at his hair, "**QUIT_ CONFUSING_ ME!**"

HoD snickerd at the ailing man and decided it was time to change subjects.

* * *

"**_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Roy Mustang…is really a perfect name for him._**" HoD said happily, "**_Particularly the 'Mustang' part because in a prior life he was really a horse named Mister Clippity Clop! They just channeled him into this human body!_**" 

"**WHAT!**" Roy fumed, "I'm not a horse!"

"**_But Mister Clippity Clop?_**" HoD asked in feigned worry, "_**What about Misses Clippity Clop? She's gotta miss you! Oh wait…thats right! You left her for Ed!**_"

"Thats it." Roy said in a far too calm voice, "I'm gonna burn you too cinders."

"**_Whoooooaaa there, Nelly!_**" HoD said with a feral grin, "**_You forget, this isMY world!_**"

She reached over and pulled down a lever with a horse shoe on it and -poof!- Roy Mustang was a horse in the state uniform.

"**NEIHHHHHHH!**" Roy whinnied in panic, rearing up in fright.

"**_Ha!_**" she laughed, "**_Well, and I didn't forget what you called me so I'm gonna leave you like that cause im running outta time! Oh! And I called Misses Clippity Clop! She's waiting for you..._**"

HoD released him from her special toy and just out side was Ed, Armstrong, and a angry looking mare, who heard the whole thing.

_"Uh ohhh..."_ Roy thought as Armstrong cracked up.

"**_Well horse butt, I suggest you get running._**" HoD said cheerfully, "**_Because I think Eddo and Misses Clippity Clop are a little ticked!_**"

"**MUSTANG! YOU SICKO! I'M GONNA _KILL YOU_ FOR EVEN _THINKING_ ABOUT ME THAT WAY!**" screamedthe blondelittle bishi, followed by furious stomping mare.

All you could see next was the whoosh of blue as mustang tore off from the taunting lieutenant and the angry little man on the back of a furious mare.

"**_Well that was fun! Wonder how long it'll be before the catch him?_**" HoD wondered an evil look on her face, **_"...well anyway that was the show today! I hope you liked it! But i gotta go see this! Bye!_**"

* * *

(A/N: Whose up next? R&R to find out.)


	21. Bashes Gone Haywire

(A/N: Hey there! Been awhile huh? But Me and HoD are back! Hope you enjoy our bash! READ ON!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Lalalala! Lalalala! LalalalaLaa! Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa!"

Shinigami Goumon watched with fascination as the Evil Death Bee flew in tight, happy circles close to the ceiling.

Once again, the suupa kawaii automaton Gir sat on her lap, face smeared with chocolate frosting as he devoured one cupcake after another.

There had been an incident with Zim subsequent to the last show, shortly after HoD's segment.

The Irkan invader had burst into her office, demanding the immediate return of his robot…like that was ever gonna happen.

Instead, Shinigami had pressed one of her happy buttons of super cool wonderment, which caused Megatron to make a sudden crash landing inches in front of the little green man.

_"Hurr."_ She had said distractedly through a mouthful of muffin, _"Wah-ah truhd?"_ (TRANS: Here. Wanna trade?)

"How dare you, you insignificant flesh pile." Megatron thundered, "The Decipticons are not-!"

_"I'll give you a lifetime supply of energon."_ Shinigami said, scooping Gir off the floor and patting him on the head.

"Master." Megatron said, whirling around and clasping Zim's hands, shoujo bubbles and sparkles filling the air (Gir couldn't resist reaching up and popping one or nine of'em)

So now, Gir was Shinigami's and Zim and Megatron were happily trying (and failing) to conquer the known universe.

All was right with the world.

"I've gots a fishy in mah head!" Gir said suddenly, bursting Shinigami's thought bubble as, with a huge happy smile on his face, he opened up his head to reveal that it was full of water and had a small koi swimming in it.

_"Awwww! How kyoot!"_ She said giving him a smile.

"I named him Kitty!" Gir grinned.

_"That's a great name."_ Shinigami said, giving the robot a squeeze, _"But, I have to have the Evil Death Bee pick a contestant now."_

"Okay!" Gir said happily, hopping off her lap in search of the pig Shinigami had brought into the control room.

"Lalalala! Lalalala! LalalalaLaa!" the Evil Death Bee sang, swirling around the ceiling for a bit before running into the two-way glass several times, drawing the hostesses attention to a certain audience member.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"**ANNNNNNNNNND we're back, Know Your Stars fans! Today's roast is especially sizzlin'! Because our first victim for the stool o' doom isss…_HIEI JAGANSHI!_ COME ONNNNNNN DOWN!**"

The Price Is Right theme song began playing for no reason as Yusuke and Kurama hauled a thrashing Hiei, struggling valiantly to free himself, on stage.

"Let me **_go_**, you miserable worms!" he yelled, jagan glowing angrily through his bandana as he was forced down on the stool and the manacle clamped around his thighs, ensuring he would stay put.

"Just get it over with." Kurama said happily, "I mean, what you put off today…"

"Yeah man." Yusuke smirked, "I mean, even I know my number will be up soon. Just go along with it."

With that, they turned on their heels and returned to their seats, leaving a very sour Hiei their, plotting his revenge.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Hiei…nothing in this world would make him happier than to be Kuwabara's boyfriend!"_

A high pitched girly scream erupted from the audience followed by a series of loud thunks as Kuwabara passed out and fell down row after row of stairs.

"You sick** freak**." Hiei hissed angrily, "Whatever drove such a putrescent idea into your mind? It's ludicrous."

"_You heard correct people! His love for the orange haired kitten lover is the kind to inspire Shakespere! In'it cute?"_

"I highly suggested you close that infernal mouth of yours." Hiei growled, Jagan eye beginning to open.

"_Awww, he's being shy! Isn't that just too adorable? There's no need to be modest, isn't that right girls?"_

"**_RIGHT!_**" a horde of Kuwa/Hiei fangirls shouted, holding up a mile wide banner that read, _KUWA/HIEI 4EVER_ while shrieking in delight.

"That's **BULL!**" A mob of Kura/Hiei fangirls roared while holding up a banner of their own, "Hiei is meant to be with his darling fox, Kurama!"

"No, he's meant to be with his Baka Ningen, **_Kazuma!_**" the Kuwa/Hiei fangirls snarled back, stlking forward menacingly.

"**KURAMA!**"

"**_KUWABARA!_**"

"**BAKA _NINGEN!_**"

"**KITSUNE!**"

Soon an all out riot had broken out amongst the girls that was quickly broken up by the ever faithful M.I.W.'s and enough tranquilizers to take down an entire herd of Bull Elephants.

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"_Hee hee hee! Now then, Hiei Jaganshi...he is, in actuality, MICHAEL FLATLEY- LORD OF THE DANCE!"_

Hiei's face went completely blank as all the circuit in his brain temporarily overloaded. When the little people living inside his skull managed to reconnect the power, he stared upwards and said-

"…what the **FUCK?**"

"_Come on Michael! Do a little Riverdance for us!" _

"**_I'm not that step dancing freak!_**" Hiei shrieked, losing all composure, "**_I _loathe _and_ detest _spandex pants!_ AND _poofy shirts! Not to_ MENTION _dancing!_**"

"_The Dance of a Thousand Broken Pelvises you performed last night was absolutely breathtaking Mr. Flatley."_

"**I'M NOT MICHAEL FLATLEY!** **What the** **_HELL_** **are you on?**" Hiei cried, searching the airspace in a futile hunt for the Disembodied Voice.

"_Oh a little a this, a little a that, but that's besides the point, my step dancing friend."_

"Would you just come off it?" Hiei growled, massaging his temples, "I mean, this is just too stupid."

"_Hiei…he's about to be subjected to the power of The Doom Song!"_

"What next? Tap dancing **spider monkeys?** Hiei shouted, totally confused.

Gir shot out on stage in front of the koorime grinning like a fool.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now!" the automaton announced gleefully, "**DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM _DOOM DOOM!_ DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM _DOOMY DOOMY_ DOOM DOOM! _DOOM_DOOM_DOOM_DOOM! _DOOOMY_ DOOMY DOOM! DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM!**"

"**I CAN'T _TAKE_ IT!**" Hiei screamed, tearing out large chunks of his hair, "**I WANT MY _MOMMMMMY!_** _**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**_"

The manacle shot back into the chair and Hiei, screaming like a banshee, tore out of the studio like a bat out of hell.

"_Now you know…Hiei!"_

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Gir pranced happily back into the control room where Shinigami, sitting in her spinny chair, and the Evil Death Bee, sitting on Shinigami's shoulder, were waiting.

"I do'did good?" Gir asked as Shinigami pulled him onto her lap.

_"Excellent."_ Shinigami said, grinning down at him, _"But we have to pick the next guest now okay?"_

"Awwwww…but I wanna watch The Scary Monkey Show." Gir pouted.

_"I'll TeVo it so you can watch it later, Gir."_ Shinigami said giving his head a pat, _"Right now, we hafta let the Evil Death Bee pick the next victim."_

"Ho kay." Gir sighed, staring at the floor, "…really wanna watch it now tho'."

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"**_ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY!_ The next sacrifice to the Stool O' Disaster isss…_XELLOSS THE MAZOKU!_ COME ONNNNNNN DOWN!**"

The purple hair mage strode down thee stairs, his robes billowing out behind him, pausing only to hop over the still unconscious Kuwabara to make his way to the stool and take a seat.

_"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"Hm?" The Trickster Priest gazed around to determine where the voice had originate but had no success so he settled himself into the stool.

_"Xelloss...he takes ballroom dancing!"_

"Yes I do!" Xelloss said, looking mildly surprised, "Gourry and I are dance partners!"

There was a loud explosion from the audience followed by Lina's infuriated screaming and hysterical laughter from Zelgadis as a charbroiled Gourry ran for his life.

"What?" Xelloss shrugged, looking around.

_"Xelloss...he was dropped on his head as a child!"_

"Okay, **WHY** does everyone _**assume**_ that to be a bad thing?" Xelloss huffed, hands on his hips, "That just **HAPPENS** to be my case!"

_"...you are beyond anyone's help..."_

"You'd be surprised how many people have told me that!" the mazoku grinned genially.

_"I highly doubt that! Xelloss...he has a pink Care Bear that he sleeps with every night!"_

"No, actually, it's a Barney plushie." Xelloss informed The Disembodied Voice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That bit of information cause Shinigami Goumon to drop the mike and shrink away from it as though it was covered in something foul for a moment before willing herself back to it to continue the bash.

_"...you frighten me..."_

"Thank you!" The Trickster Priest said with smile.

_"Xelloss...he likes hot pink nail polish!"_

"Yeah, I do!" Xelloss said happily, looking at his glittering purply pink nails, "But, then I realized that I'm more of a fuschia."

"_And I dare say it looks positively smashing on you." _

"Thank you!" Xelloss replied with a grin.

"**DON'T ENCOURAGE HIS BEHAVIOR!**" Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia shouted from the audience.

_"Xelloss...Dr. Phil & Oprah couldn't help him!"_

"I don't see why people think I need help!" Xelloss scowled, "Well, at least Dr. Phil will be able to think about that in the Looney Bin with that androgynous little skag, Duo Maxwell! **_HAHAHAHA!"_**

_"..."_

"Yes?" Xelloss answered sweetly.

_"...once again...you frighten me…a feat that should be impossible. Xelloss...he thinks Rosie O'Donnell is hawt!"_

"She **_IS _**hot!" Xelloss cried enthusiastically, "Too bad she doesn't swing my way!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinigami Goumon was, for the first time in history, lost for words. She just stared in a mixture of horror, disgust and disbelief at the violet haired mazoku seated below.

_"…seriously?"_

"Y-"

_"For the love of all things anime don't answer that. Xelloss...he went to cheerleading camp."_

"And I got the spirit award!" Xelloss beamed, tearing off his outer robes to reveal a blindingly Barbie pink cheerleading uniform complete with pom-poms, "Want me to do a cheer?"

Falling out of her spinny chair and taking the mike with her, Shinigami was dumbfounded…and horrified at the idea of subliminal mind control through cheers; she had never had a roast go like this before.

_"Dear god no."_

"Oh, come on!" Xelloss pouted, going down on his knees and clasping his hands together, "**_Pleeeeeeeeeeease?_**"

_"NO!"_

"Okay..." Xelloss said, looking far too sad given the situation.

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_"Xelloss...his favorite movie is The Hot Chick."_

"You like that movie, too?" Xelloss asked, still in his cheerleading uniform, crossing his skirt covered thighs as he sat back down on the stool, "**Neat!**"

_"Sheesh, this is probably the first time in the history of this show I've aimed off target every shot and gotten a bullseye every time!"_

"And to commemorate this historic event, here's this beautiful placard!" The M.I.W.'s announced, causing the audience to break into applause as the Hostess shot out of her booth, and tearfully accepted it.

"_Thank you all!"_ she sobbed, _"I'd like to thank the academy, Gir, the Evil Death Bee, HoD, Laith, Banshee, my reviewers and most of all…Xelloss for making this possible!" _

"You're welcome!" Xelloss said in a singsong voice skipping around the stage in a very Valley Girl way.

"_But I am nonetheless irked by your existence."_ Shinigami said with a malevolent grin, _"And therefore you must be eliminated!"_

She then dove on the poor unsuspecting male-cheerleader/nail-polish-wearer/Rosie O'Donnell Lover with a hacksaw and proceeded to cut his head open…to reveal a little African American man with demented teeth bopping back and forth to a rap beat.

"Yo** beyotch**…this yo brain on drugs!" the Mini Man cried, "**_Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-_**shit son!"

"_Eew!"_ Shinigami squealed looking positively delighted as she pulled the little dude out of Xelloss's head and fed him to Gir with an exclamation of, _"Here Gir, brains!"_

"**Yaaaaaaay!** **_Braaaaaaaaaaaaains!_**" Gir cheered gobbling the Mini Man up happily.

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"_And now onto HoD with our field report!_" Shinigami said cheerfully as she scooped Gir up and watched with delight as the drooling body of Xelloss was hauled offstage by the M.I.W.'s.

The big screen came down from the ceiling once more as Shinigami re-entered the control room and with a small crackle came to life.

Gliding once again on her skates the peculiar dragoness known as HoD, was munching happily on a cookie as Shinigami spoke up.

_"Hmm hm hm…oh HoD, are you ready yet?"_ she asked offhandedly, handing Gir a soda and grabbing herself a bottle of pomegranate juice (weird drink for an even weirder girl)

"**_Hnuh? Oh yuppers! My prey is just around the corner! Shall I get her now?_**" HoD chimed grinning up at the hostess.

_"Yes please!" _Shinigami smirked wickedly as she hung her plaque on the wall next to a shrunken head (as to whose head it is…well…we'll just leave that to your imagination)

"_**Okie dokie then!**_" she said speeding off stuffing the remnants of the cookie in her mouth, then coming to a screeching halt behind a rather powerful looking woman.

"**_HOWDY!_**" she screamed behind the woman who, very startled, then swung around to hit HoD, only to totally miss her target.

"**_Woop! Can have you messing me up, 'cause then I couldn't have you on the show!_**" HoD snickered mischievously.

"Show? What show?" the woman, known as Tifa asked readying her self for a fight, "And, who, or what are you? Are you a Shinra monster?"

"**_Oh relax, I'm not a Shinra monster as you said._**" HoD laughed, waving her hand dismissively, "**_I'm the Field Correspondent for a show called Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! And you're our next focus!_**"

"Really?" Tifa asked, looking puzzled "I've never heard of it."

"**_Thats because its mainly viewed by demons._**" HoD smirked, anticipation growing, "_**Anyhoo, lets get started!**_"

"Demons...?" Tifa said as a sense of doom filled over her and she was sucked into a strange ball filled with levers.

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"_**Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!**_" HoD sang, not wasting anytime, "**_Tifa…she wears padded bras cause she's got flat as a two by four!_**"

"**WHAT?**" Tifa screamed indignantly, "**I DO _TOO_ HAVE A CHEST!**"

From somewhere out side the ball "**_HA!_ I _TOTALLY_ KNEW IT!**" yelled a ninja woman with a large weapon.

"**Yuffie!** That's not** fair!**" Tifa cried desperately, "Get me **outta **here!"

"**_I don't thinks so Lady Stuffs-A-Lot!_**" HoD taunted, hovering in the blackness just out of reach of Tifa, "_**This is my world and you aint goin no where!**_"

She pulled down a lever, dropping a ton of toilet paper on top of the fuming woman.

"I'm gonna **kill you** woman!" Tifa shrieked, spitting out a mouthful of paper, "Where's my materia? I'll burn you to **cinders** or shock you to death or…or **something!**"

"**_Can't have that!_**" HoD crowed, "**_You're just mad cause everyone knows those things are fake…like your hair!_**"

"What?" Tifa snapped, "What did you just say about my hair?"

"_**You heard right people!**_" HoD sang in sadistic joy, " **_Tifa…she steals hair from others to make a wig cause she's balding!_**"

"I am not **BALDING!**" Tifa screeched writhing around in the TP frantically in her attempt to get at the dragoness, "**YOU CRAZY WHORE! JUST WAIT'LL CLOUD GETS HERE!**"

"**_Oh but he is here._**" HoD smirked, "**_And he is loving this, aren't you?_**"

"I must say this is pretty funny." Cloud remarked from outside the vortex.

"Traitor!" Tifa fumed, "Cloud, you're such a traitor!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"**_Awwwww!_**" HoD cooed mockingly, "_**Wittle Tifa Wifa's up set cause Cloudy Woudy likes watching her get embarrassed, poor thing...**_"

As she spoke she unleashed yet another barrage of toilet paper on the girl, burying her still further.

"I'll **kill **you!" Tifa screamed, now fighting her way up from under two tons of TP.

"**_With what? Your materia?_**" HoD asked mockingly, floating right in front of Tifa's face, "_**That wont work here, and you don't carry a gun or anything like that either, you don't even like them do you?**_"

"What does **that **have anything to do with?' Tifa shouted, spitting out little pieces of paper.

"**_Well I was just pointing something out._**" HoD remarked, "_**Because- Tifa…she hates guns and all those who use them!**_"

"I do **not!**" Tifa screamed, turning white, "My friend has a gun for an **ARM!** I have absolutely **nothing** against them!"

"**_But Tifa, why don't you call this gun arm man your boyfriend? He is isn't he?_**" HoD asked an evil smile on her face.

"Barret? Well, uhh, I um dunno I guess." Tifa said sheepishly.

"Tifa? Ya don' really like me?" a black man cooed into the up into the sphere, very out of character for him.

"Of **course **I do Barret! Its just…" Tifa trailed off.

"No I get it, I'll be okay, sniff, gun hater..." he said sulking of, as Cloud rolled his eyes at him.

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"Barret its not like that!" Tifa cried, stuggling even harder, "Lemme outta here, dammit! You're ruining everything!"

"_**Hmmm lemme think...nawwww this is too much fun!**_" HoD grinned.

"**Barret!** Come back! Why **YOU!**" Tifa shouted launching herself at HoD who pulled down a lever with a picture of a big gloved hand on it.

From nowhere a hands shot, first knocking the padding from Tifa, then pulling off a very well seated wig from her head.

"Gah! M-my padding! My hair! " she started sobbing in the corner before charging one more time, this time being grabbed by the hands.

"_**What this? A pin?**_" HoD said wickedly before reading it aloud, "**_It says, 'Gun Haters of the World Unite! Down With Guns!'_**"

"**_Oh? And whats this?_**" HoD asked, noticing a pamphlet in Tifa's back pocket.

"No, not **that!**" she screeched trying to snatch it up but too little too late.

"**_Do-It-Yourself-Prosthetic-Arms: Just 20 Easy Steps?_**" HoD read aloud making sure Barret heard.

"Tifa, how **could **you! " Barret yelled back up to her.

"Alright!** ALRIGHT!**" Tifa cried throwing her arms into the air, "So I think your arm creepy, okay? Happy now?"

"**_I know I am!_**" HoD grinned happily, "**_And I am outta time! I'll see you guys later! There's gonna be some perturbed people here! BYE!_**"

She waved as Tifa sulked, Barret sobbed, and Yuffie and Cloud laughed their asses off.

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(A/N: So who'll be up to bat next time? You'll have to R&R to find out! Until next chappie!)


	22. Know Your Swellings!

(A/N: I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! And gainfully employed! Yaaay for me! Unfortunately, Heartof Dragon couldn't make dis time, bit I filled in for her. So with that, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!)

* * *

"I love this show." Gir sighed happily, watching the TeVoed Scary Monkey Show while eating a bowl of extra crispy bacon.

"_I hafta admit, this show is great."_ Shinigami remarked, chewing on a chocolate muffin as she watched, _"Sadly tho', I must rip my eyes away from the screen so that the Evil Death Bee can choose another contestant!"_

"…owchies!" Gir whispered, looking at her wide eyed before turning back to the T.V.

"Alrighty, Bee-mer!" Shinigami grinned_, "Poke your favorite!"_

"Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa! Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa!" the Evil Death Bee sang, flying from the booth and down into the audience.

It dove low, twisting around people's heads, drawing shrieks and cries of alarm as they did their best to fend it off.

Finally, it appeared as though the Evil Death Bee had chosen the first contestant…one assumes as much because it stung the poor fella in the eye.

And in the dead center of the pupil, through a corrective lens, no less.

And as the chosen chara let loose a bloodcurdling scream, the Evil Death Bee flew off, singing merrily, back to the control room.

"_Ooo, excellent choice."_ Shinigami remarked as the overly cute cuddle bug landed on her head.

* * *

"**ALLLLLRIGHTLADIES AND GERMS – THE EEBIL DEATH BEE HAS SPOKEN! OUR NEXT CONTESTANT ISSS…_URASHIMA KEITARO!_ Get down here ya smarmy bastard!"**

"**_Hey!_**" Naru and Keitaro cried as he rose from his seat, his eyeball now the size of a billiard ball.

"_Say Urashima…you wouldn't happen t' be allergic to bees now wouldja?"_

"Actually, **yes.** Yes I am!" he growled, marching towards the exit, "Now if you'll **_excuse _**me, I'll be on my way to the **hospital **n-!"

"_I don't think so! This'll just make your roast that much more exciting!"_

"**_WHAT?_**" Naru shrieked, flying up from her seat, "But he'll **die!**"

"_Oh, I wouldn't let THAT happen! We'll just see how long he lasts before he blacks out! M.I.W.'s! The timer puh-leezuh!"_

Two M.I.W.'s, who looked far too happy for their own good, wheeled out a huge stopwatch next to Keitaro.

"Please **_god_** tell me you're joking." Keitaro moaned as his eye continued to swell.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Swellings!"_

"_Keitaro…his love for Naru is just a farce to cover his true obsession for Sera!"_

"**HUWAH?**" Naru screamed, knuckles turning white, "For your sake, Keitaro, that'd **_better_** be a **lie!**"

"You sick **_fuck!_**" Keitaro shouted as his right cheek began to distend from the histamine reaction, "How **dare** you!"

"_Yes, our dear Keitaro has a thing for the pigtailed nine year old ever since he first laid his four eyes on her!"_

"**_What gives you the right to make up such sick lies about me?_**" Keitaro shouted as the inflammation began to reach his throat.

"_Hey, it's not my fault you're a sick degenerate…with a foot fetish."

* * *

_

By this point, Keitaro was a very interesting shade of purple, his head was about the size of a Crenshaw melon and he was getting short of breath as his larynx swelled shut.

"Keitaro, you sick **freak!** Stay the **_hell_** away from Sera!" Seta bellowed as he kicked the poor boy in the swollen side of his head.

"Dad, chill out, he hasn't come near me…as if I would let'm." Sera snorted, rolling her eyes.

"_Keitaro…his only true goal in life is to be a Tokyo U drop out with his buddies, Shirai & Haitani!"_

Keitaro couldn't retort as he was clawing at his throat as his windpipe distended shut and he collapsed to the floor unconscious.

One of the M.I.W.'s leapt up and pressed the stop button on the giant sized stopwatch freezing the numbers in place as Keitaro's bloated skull connected with the floor.

"_Johnny! Tell the audience what Urashima'-san's time was?"_

"Five minutes and twenty two seconds!" the M.I.W. called Johnny cried, causing thunderous applause to erupt throughout the audience.

"**Keitaro-san!** **Hang in there!**" Shinobu sobbed, rocking the barely recognizable lump of flesh that had once been Keitaro back and forth as M.I.W.'s armed with a forklift swarmed around her.

"_Now you know Keitaro! And, if we don't get this poor dope to the E.R. in the next half hour, it'll be KNEW Keitaro! Take'm away boys!"_

Keitaro was then rolled onto the forklift and carted off, Shinobu sobbing after him.

And why was it Shinobu and not Naru? Well Lil' Naru was a little too busy making out with a propane tank (handily located in the seat next to her) at the time to care about her quote-un-quote boyfriend.

* * *

"_Wow…he lasted a lot longer than I thought he would."_ Shinigami remarked, _"Huh…what's the betting he survives?"_

"_**I've got a pickle!**_" Gir cried, slamming a jar of Vlasic Dill pickles in the middle of a table that had randomly appeared.

"_And I've got my collection of roadside shoes!"_ Shinigami bragged, displaying the shoes collected from the edge of the highway (my friend Roxanne actually has one of these),_ "So It's agreed! If he dies, I get your pickles, if he lives, you get my shoes!"_

"Mm?" Gir blinked, having finished off the last one and was now downing the tail end of the pickle brine.

"_Never mind."_ Shinigami shrugged, pulling the automaton onto her lap and addressing the insect perched on her head, _"Alrightee, Evil Death Bee! Time t' poke your favorite!"_

"Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa! Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa!" the Evil Death Bee sang taking flight and soaring out into the audience to find another victim.

It looped and it dipped causing shrieks and yells as it zoomed in low towards their heads until finally it spotted someone it just couldn't ignore, flipped around, annnnnnd-!

"_**OW!**_ Sunnava**bitch!**" a brown haired boy with headphones hissed as the Evil Death Bee flew merrily away, leaving him with a large swelling on his wrist.

"_Ooo, good choice. You're on a roll today."_ Shinigami smirked as the insect landed on her hand, _"I can't recall bashing anyone from their series yet. Excellent work."

* * *

_

"**ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHT ALL YOU CRAYZEH FANS! OUR NEXT GUEST DE JOUR ISSSSSSS…**_**ASAKURA YOH! **_**_COME ONNNNNN DOWNNN!_**"

The shaman came shuffling down the stairs in a very lackadaisical manner before hopping up on the stool with a transparent samurai flanking his left side.

"_Hey there Ghostbuster, are you ready?"_

"Yup!" Yoh grinned, "Let's get the ball rollin' okay? I'd like to get out of here before Anna finds me."

"_But of course. Who are we, the common man, to deny you your request?"_

"Thanks for the understanding." You smiled, sitting back on the stool as The Disembodied Voice got started.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Asakura Yoh…he's deathly afraid of ghosts!"_

"Umm…no I'm not." Yoh said lazily, digging around in his ear for wax.

"_Yes, Yoh has a horrible case of spectrophobia! So severe in fact, that doctors deemed him a lost cause!"_

"You know she's lying right?" Yoh said listlessly to Amidamaru, who was sobbing hysterically behind him.

"All this time and you never told me!" He sobbed.

"_That's right! So his 'Guardian Ghost' is what scares him the most. If that aint irony, I don't know what is!"_

"Can we hurry it up please?" Yoh asked as a sudden bout of familiar chills, that were always a precursor to an unexpected appearance by Anna, went shooting through his spine.

"Y-you're so cruel!" Amidamaru sobbed shooting towards the ceiling and phasing through it and into the night (…it's noon, idiot)

* * *

"_Yoh…he's an insensitive rube who gets off on the pain and suffering of others." _

"No, _**that **_would be you." Yoh sighed, beginning to twitch slight out of anxiousness.

"_Oh yeah! You're right! Typo! You actually get off on your OWN pain. My bad!"_

"God, can you please just wrap this-!" Yoh never got to finish because the stage doors flung themselves open and a very scary Anna came striding in.

"_Yoh…I called your fiancée!"_

"**YOU DID **_**WHAT?**_" Yoh cried in horror, trying to leap up only to be pinned down by the manacle.

"_Yoh…also has no idea that Manta and Hao are in cahoots in their plans to take over the world with their subordinates, Pinky and the Brain!"_

"_**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?**_" Yoh screamed as Hao rode up on his Fire Spirit, sitting in a spot lower than Manta, who rode on the spirit's head.

"It's all true, Yoh." Manta smirked, "In fact, **I'M** the one pulling all the strings! Isn't that right Hao, you miserable worm?"

"Yes, teiohsama!" Hao said respectfully.

"Later, Yoh." Manta said offhandedly, "People to see, cities to destroy and all that."

"At last, Pinky. Our dreams shall be realized." Brain cackled evilly, rubbing his paws together.

"Really, Brain? We're gonna eat the world's largest pastry puff? _**NARF!**_" Pinky cried happily.

"No Pinky, we're going to take over the world." Hao smirked as they smashed through a wall.

"And I'm taking over your world." Anna said coolly, "And if you thought you're training was bad before, well you haven't seen anything yet!"

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_" Yoh howled, as Anna dragged him off, stool and all, "_**AMIDAMARUUUUUUUUUU!**_"

"_Now you know…Yoh!"

* * *

_

"_Gotta remember to have the staff replace that stool."_ Shinigami said offhandedly, _"And since HoD and Sesshoumaru are on a second honeymoon, I guess it's up to me and the Evil Death Bee to find a third roast."_

As if on cue, the yellow critter took flight out of the control room to seek out another victim while the stage crew replaced the stool.

"**OooOOOOoooo!**" Gir squealed suddenly, pressing himself against the glass, "How come his head so big?"

"_Whose head? Whatcha lookin' at?"_ Shinigami asked, picking the automaton up, and peering through the two-way glass.

"**Whyyyyyyy** is his head so big?" Gir asked again as he pointed out the two-way mirror at a person in the audience.

"_Because whoever created this great universe need a good laugh that day."_ Shinigami smirked as her eyes fell on a certain Pokémon breeder…that the Evil Death Bee just happened to choose to sting in the back of the neck only seconds later.

"_Oh, mah deeya sweet chaild."_ Shinigami grinned as the insect returned to her, _"Mama's so prowd a yew!"

* * *

_

"**OKAY KNOW YOUR STARS FANNNNNNNS! IT'S THAT TAAAAAAAAHME AGAIN! OUR NEWEST SACRIFICE ISSSSS…**_**TAKESHI! COME ONNNNNNN DOWN!**_"

The Pokémon breeder swaggered down the stairs, head whipping around wildly to take in all the woman surrounding him in the audience on both sides before taking a seat, head reeling, on the new stool.

"_Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"_

"_Takeshi…he's a sick reprobate who enjoys chopping off people's feet with a hacksaw!" _

"**What?** No I'm _**not!**_" Takeshi sputtered, "I enjoy learning all I can about Pokémon care! And I don't even **own** a hacksaw!"

"_See? The exact words a twisted degenerate like him would use to lull you into a false sense of security!"_

"I don't cut people's feet of with a hacksaw!" Takeshi fumed, "That's Kasumi! Not me!"

"**You TRAITOR!**" Kasumi screamed from the audience, blue eyes flashing, "_**YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL!**_"

"Bite me." Takeshi replied dully.

"_Takeshi…he has a bite-fetish!"_

"**WHAT?** No I _**don't!**_" Takeshi cried, attempting to leap off the stool…only to be struck by ten tons of Jell-O brand gelatin.

"_Of all things to turn your crank – isn't that just sick?"_

"Ish jush an eshpreshin!" he blubbered through the gelatinous orange mass.

A bolt of lightning then struck the Jell-O, flooding the stage with the stick, gloopy mess and sending Takeshi tumbling back onto the stool.

"_Takeshi…his obsessive behavior surrounding women is just a cover up to hide his true feelings for Satoshi!"_

"Wh-what?" Takeshi squeaked, turning the color of day old oatmeal.

"D-d-dya mind…repeating that?" Satoshi sad warily, edging his way towards the exit where five M.I.W.'s were waiting just in case.

"_Takeshi…is in love with Satoshi!"_

Satoshi went white and bolted for the exit only to be hauled on stage by the M.I.W.'s.

"_Awww…init that kyoot? They're so shy!"_

Yaoi fangirls in the audience squealed in sheer delight and held up banners of "LONG LIVE YAOI!", "YAOI FOREVER!" and "YAOI IS LIFE!"

"T-T-T-Takeshi…_**please**_ tell me she's lying." Satoshi begged, struggling against the burly M.I.W.'s with all his might.

"…not…in this case." Takeshi mumbled, staring at the floor.

"**HA! I **_**KNEW**_** IT!**" Kasumi cried victoriously, "**NO **_**WONDER**_** PROFESSOR TSUTA TOSSED YOU OUT ON YOUR ASS!**"

"I…let you…share a bath with me…_**YOU SAW ME NAKED!**_" Satoshi cried in horror, "**GET A-**_**WAY**_** FROM ME YOU ****_FREAK!_**"

"Oh come on honey, don't be like that." Takeshi said with a smile, "We can make this work."

"**NO WE CANT!**" Satoshi shrieked, breaking free of the M.I.W.'S

"_Now you know…Takeshi. Wow, lookat that lil' man ruh-oop, my mistake. The M.I.W.'s got him. GO FOR IT TAKESHI! GOGOGO!"

* * *

_

(A/N: Who's up nect? R&R to find out! Til later dudes!)


End file.
